Expert: Dr Tim Gladu - 11/13/2008

Question
QUESTION: My son just turned 13. He has always been a fun kid and had lots of friends. Right before summer, a friend of his started to turn the two other boys in their close-nit group against my son. This friend has done this type of thing years before to another kid. (We didn't live in the area at that time.) This boy seemed to be very jealous when my son made the football team last year and he didn't. My son made the team again this year. These kids have been so close for a few years, but now they leave my son out of everything and do not call him. They also seem to delight in having him find out that he has been left out of get togethers and outings. This was how our entire summer went this year. It is so difficult to watch. I have been concentrating on the verse, "Be still, and know that I am God." I just don't know what to tell my son to help him through this terrible experience. He can't understand why these friends suddenly hate him. He has finally stopped calling these boys and is hanging around some other kids at school. When at home, though, he just sits around and doesn't seem to be trying to get close to anyone like he had been with those three boys.
My son is very forgiving. I just know that he is still hurting. He doesn't want to talk about it and I don't know how he's really feeling inside.
Thanks for any advice you can give me.


ANSWER: I have seen this many a time with teenagers. They get hurt very easy because of the changes they are going through. Many times young boys find it very hard to deal with feelings because the hormones that are being pumped into their bodies. They handle it different ways some retract and some lash out. The best thing you can do is what he is already doing. Find new friends and concentrate on what is important. His future is more important that anything happening now. He will not be able to see that so much right now. He is living in the present and it is sometime hard to see that this is such a short time and will not really mean much in the future. Keeping him involved in his activities and schoold work will help. You can encourage him to focus on the fact that those boys are just dealing with the same changes in a negative way. Teenage boys are sometimes the most difficult just because they are going through so many changes in their own bodies that sometimes it is just hard to focus. Keep him focused on God and what is important and he will get through this.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: My follow-up question is this: How can my husband and I deal with the way these boys treated/are treating our son? The parents of the three boys were supposedly our friends. We brought the trouble to their attention, but they just let it continue. If the tables had been turned, we would have let our son know that it wasn't nice to treat people like that. My husband and I are feeling very resentful toward the other boys' parents. They seem oblivious to what our son has been going through - and it is because of their children! We are working on forgiveness and have prayed about it many times, but so far we can't seem to let the hurt go. We're protective of our son. I keep feeling that God may be using this situation to remove our son from that group -- possibly to protect him from anything they might get into in high school (next year). My heart is very hard when it comes to those three families - two of which live in our neighborhood. I'm afraid my husband is even more upset with the other parents than I am. I'm sure with time our resentment will subside, especially as our son finds new friends. As parents, though, we're supposed to be good examples. My husband and I don't speak about it in front of the kids, but I know they can see that we're not close to the other parents anymore. I just would like to know how we, as Christians, are supposed to deal with this.

ANSWER: It would be a very easy world if we could just forgive and forget. Well we are not God so that is just very hard. You make some very valid points and you have thought about this a great deal. You may have just put this in perspective. These boys may be in the path to destruction and your son is not on the same path. I know that my children were removed from certain peoples lives and we did not understand why. Then later in life and school we saw why. Your son will find new and most likely better friends. He will find people that are his friends no matter what he does. These will be the ones that he may even keep in contact well into later life. The ability to look at a situation and see what could be good about it will serve you well. You may even be the ones who are being removed from the lives of the other parents. Sometimes when God is preparing us for a major change he takes things away and removes bad influence. We sometimes miss this because we want these things to remain in our live even though we know they are bad for us. Look at this and grow from it, and try to help your son also grow from it. He will not be able to see things as clearly as you but with the power of the Holy Spirit we are are better able to deal with both the good and the bad that we are given. You can even forgive these other people and just take them out of your life. If they can not see that they bare some of the responsibility for their children then maybe it is time to find some new friends and let these ones be a part of your past.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Dr. Gladu,

I do have one additional follow-up question, since this is fresh in your mind. I failed to mention, when speaking of the difficulty my husband and I have with the parents of the other boys, that our youngest son (he is 11) is best friends with the boy's brother that caused most of the trouble with our 13 year old son. We are forced into contact with the parents when taking our youngest son to their house or picking him up from sleepovers, etc. It is very stressful, though most times they (the parents) do not even come to the door when we drop off our youngest son or pick him up. We try to make a point to greet them when they bring their son over to our house. I guess our hands are tied (as far as moving on from that family) until their youngest son no longer wants to play with our youngest son. That actually happened last January for a two week period for reasons they never explained to us. If you have any advice for the rest of this situation, we would love to hear it. We have tried to handle all of this difficulty in a Christian way. Without our faith (and its necessary restraint) we might have made things even worse (if that is even possible).

Thank you, again, for your time and insight. You are such a blessing to us as we deal with this issue.

Answer
The best thing you can do is to just be the bigger person as you are doing. They are the ones with the problem and your 11 year old would just have to many questions if you said he could no longer have contact. If this family is as you say they are then the chances are they may pull contact from your family. The nicer you are the harder it will be for them. When the Christian takes the high path and shows love when hate is presented then we honor God. I know that you want to just not have any contact and move forward with your life. This would even be the easy solution for you. Think of it this way by your 11 year old son being friends with these people he is showing Jesus to this family. We are to be a reflection of what Jesus is to the lost of this world. If they see hate in us then they see hate in Jesus. We all know that the only thing Jesus hates is sin and so why would we want to show that to others. I also realize that I am not have to deal with these people face to face so these is easy for me to say but you have to do the action. I have prayed for your situation and will continue to pray for you all.