Expert: Susan Milillo - 11/4/2008

Question
QUESTION: I've been going out with my boyfriend for 6 years now and we are already in our late 20's. He's given me an ultimatum, and i have a week to choose to either be just friends or fulfill his sexual needs. Not actual sex (because we agreed not until marriage), but other things that would cause him to ejaculate. He says he gets really stressed out thinking about it because he feels as though I am rejecting him (which is completely not true). I really love him a lot, and would love to marry him. But he wants to see that i can make him feel good first before even considering marriage. I don't feel we could just be friends because I love him too much.  I want to serve the Lord and I don't want to go against God's word. We been through this struggle so many times within the last year, and he says this is the last time. It's now or never...I don't know what to do. Should I stay or risk losing someone I really love? MOST IMPORTANTLY: Is fondling ok as long as we don't have sex?

ANSWER: Dear Daniela,

Hang on to your purity.   It sounds so hard right now, you really love this guy.  But he is wrong to not marry you till he knows if you will fulfill him sexually.  He is not trusting the Lord or submitting to God's will for his life.  And it is unloving of him to give you such an ultimatum.  
Yes, Daniela, as hard as it is, risk losing someone you love.
Show God the extent of your love for HIM.
He knows what you really need, and what will really make you happy.
Trust Him with the results that may come from obeying Him.
And no, fondling IS wrong outside of marriage.
Remember that verse, 'Make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill the lusts thereof.'   Why turn yourselves on like that? You'd only be setting yourselves up for being 'tempted beyond what you are able'.  (This is a quote from I Cor. 10:13-14, which in the context, it's actually that 'God will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but will with the temptation also provide a way of escape, so that you can stand up under it'.  He wouldn't approve of something that would be so stimulating to both of you, and tempt you.   God does not tempt anybody (James 1), but each person is tempted when drawn away by his own / her own lusts.  (not exact quote, but almost; take a look )
God wants us to PURSUE purity.

Do the right thing, and God will reward you immensely!!
And by the way, if this is his condition for marrying you, how much does he really truly love you?  Maybe he needs to hear that YOU feel rejected by his selfish stance.  Love is not defined by sexual gratification; that's a byproduct of true, lifelong committed love.
If you were to fulfill his immediate request, what would that really prove, to either of you?  You know what I mean?

Is he a Christian himself?  A committed one?

Don't sell yourself short.   You are way precious and valuable.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for your answer. It really assured me that I am doing the right thing. Doing the right thing, although I am really hurting badly inside because he broke up with me yesterday because of my decision. I feel so hurt, and deserted, and abandonned after 6 whole years. If he asked me to marry him now, I would, just to put all this behind us, and to have a clear conscience like Paul said in the Bible. But he has made up his mind already. I did so much for him, more than I was getting in return. But I have to trust God that God will be there for me, even though its really hard to believe. And yes, he was a Christian, which makes me feel even worse because that decreases my immediate sight of hope for good Christian guys out there for me, and I dont want to see him getting punished by God. Thanks for reassuring me of what I am doing...even though this is extremely hard.

Answer
Dear Daniela,

Oh, I'm SO sorry..... I wish you didn't have to go through the pain.
'Hard' just doesn't do it justice.  But I believe you really did the right thing, and it will only strengthen your relationship with the Lord.   I have been praying for you since getting your question yesterday.
I hope you have some good Christian friend or two you can gather around you to hold you up during this time.
Remember, while the 'perspective Christian guys' may be slim in your immediate surroundings, I always say, "It only takes one if he's the right one" -- It's going to take time for you to heal.  In the meantime, who knows what could happen!  
Even if he were to return to you now, and say, 'I should have married you right away', I would still be cautious.

Hang in there, lady.   I will pray for you. And pray that you will heal, and be able to grieve, and that you could become open to seeing what all else God has for you to pursue in your life.    

Love,
SM