Expert: Susan Milillo - 11/18/2008

Question
I met this girl and we became really good friends. Ive know her for 3 years, and this past summer, started to get closer. We were never in a relationship, but what I thought was getting close to one. She live 3 hours away from me, so we dont get to see each other often. we both work at the same camp so we get to see each other in the summer. But when we left this summer, we talked a lot, but lately it seems like she lost interest of if maybe I did, but we dont talk that often now. Then this new girl showed up at church. Shes really cool, and have fun around her. we're both interested in each other to.  The problem is, I dont want to start a relationship with someone until I figured out whats going on with the girl from camp. My main question is that I'm not really sure how to tell her that im not interested in her anymore without hurting her. and during the summer, we both agreed that we would stay friends even if our relationship didnt turn out.  Is that even possible. I really need help, and any advice would be great.

Answer
Hi Nathan,

Relationships are always tricky, and never cut and dry, but I'll give it my best shot! :-)

Since you only see the one girl in the summertime, and she lives so far away, it's hard to know where she's coming from, and why you and she stopped talking as much.  Once you see her in the summer again, the feelings might surprisingly still be there.   In which case it would be even more complicated that you had started a relationship with this girl at your church.  

Have you lost interest in the camp friend, or is it just that she isn't around, and maybe for some reason has stopped communicating with you as much.    Even if you don't pursue a romantic relationship, you did agree to be friends, right? And friends care about what's going on in each others' lives. So maybe she's going through something right now, and you could as a friend if nothing else, be there for her.    But you know, sometimes with things like this unfortunately, until things get deeper, it's 'out of sight out of mind', you know?

On the other hand, if she has drifted away in communication, it's also possible that she has faded in HER feelings for you, in which case you wouldn't need to worry as much about hurting her feelings.   But I think it would be good if you got things sorted through with her before you pursue another potential dating relationship.
Oh, and even if she does want to be just friends, it might be less offensive to her if you checked out where her feelings are before you start something with another girl.  We girls are funny and sensitive like that :-)  --  Believe me, I've been there.  

I think one of the best things you could do is (do you drive?) go visit her - or as it's three hours away, have her come meet you at some halfway point.   

Be open and honest with each other. And most of all, don't lose sight of the 'long term'.    A relationship with someone nearby may be appealing, but don't forget you will be around the 'camp' girl before too long.  

So treat both with dignity and respect, as you would want to be treated.  That way, whether 'just' friendship is sustained, or something deeper, you can't lose out.

You agree  ?????

Best Regards,
SM