Expert: Carl Fuglein - 11/21/2008

Question
I really need help. I have to admitt i have habit of lieng, i sometimes lie without even realizing it. It  started when i was a little kid and it has been almost impossible to stop. On the outside i am not a bad person people have said i am the nicest most caring person they know. I am involved in a lot of stuff including tennis which i hope to turn pro in soon. I dont mean any harm to anyone. But deep down i know i have problem with lieing its ruined my life, its weird i sometimes lie about random things without realizing it. I know its wrong. I cant stop. I've realized i have the exact same traits of an Narssissist, it hurts. My best friend has completely shut me out of her life because ive lied to her. She trusted me enough to tell me some of her deepest secrets. I never meant to hurt her. I know i am the person who would never talk about her behind her back or tell her secrets i care for her to much.  In fact i really care about her. I genualliy feel really bad, I have apolgized a million times. She doesnt know what to believe because since i come off so believable when i talk. I dont know what to do. She says she forgives me and said let it go. But wants nothing to do with me. She works over at the fitness center and i have to work out in the mornining, I have trouble facing her after all thats happend, she refuses to talk to me. Words cant describe how sorry i am, is there any way of her giving me a second chance? I have prayed about it and so far i haven't lied in weeks. I need help please. What should i do? Is this friendship over should i just move on? What can i do to help my lying.
Please help!

Answer
Hi Danielle-

The first thing we need to talk about is your lying.  Compulsive lying generally starts with a person with low self-esteem - you want to be as good as or better than someone else, so you lie about things.  Just ask God to help you with this problem and try not to lie - God loves you just the way you are, and there are a lot of other peoplke out there that will, too.  There's no reason to lie, just be yourself.  You may want to talk to your pastor or a trusted teacher or counselor and tell them about your problem.

As for this friendship, I think unfortunately that it is over.  I would try one more time, then move on and find new friends.  If you can do it it in person might be better, but if you don't think you can focus or remain unemotional, perhaps you need to do it in a letter.  Tell your friend again how sorry you are that you hurt her and that you want to be her friend and will do better next time.  She either says yes or no, and you have to live with that and move on.

hope this helps,

carl