Expert: Susan Milillo - 11/21/2008

Question
I am 17 and under a really pressure situation i lied to my best friend who trusted me enough to share with me all her personal secrets. I apologized a million times i even cried. It only seemed to make it worse. She says she forgives me since i had i really really good reason to and it had nothing to do with her personally like backstabbing.But she has completely shut me out of her life. She doesn't want anything to do with me. she told me to let it go and forget about it. She pretends like shes not mad but you can tell she hides it inside. Is there any chance? Its been 2 months. We havent hung out at all, so its like we went even friends. She works at the fitness center and we say hi and that's it. please help I dont know what to do?. I really cherish her friendship. Words cant express how sorry i am. I made a bad mistake.  

Answer
Dear Jarelle,

    My heart aches for you, it must hurt so much.   Good friends are definitely not easy things to lose -- especially when you know it was because of something you did and can't take back.       
    I'm not totally sure what to say, but I've prayed for wisdom, so I'm just going to tell you a few things that I'm thinking here.
    You said she forgives you because you had a good reason for doing what you did.  Well, I think it needs to go deeper than that - if it was wrong to do, despite any good reasons, etc., she needs to know that you are asking her forgiveness for doing something that was actually terribly wrong, and not just 'unfortunately necessary' -- do you know what I mean?  I don't know, but maybe she doesn't believe that you actually think you were wrong to do what you did - if you tried to explain yourself to her, the good reason you had for doing it.   Maybe she needs to hear still that you know that no reason could have made what you did towards her, okay.   She needs to know that that's something you are very unlikely to ever do again.   Even if there do seem to be good reasons.     Does it sound on target to you, the things I'm saying? It's hard to say for sure, since I don't know the details of the situation, but this is what I'm thinking.
     Also, it takes time to rebuild trust; the more deep the hurt, the more time needed to mend.   But if you two use that time apart from each other - like you said it's been 2 months and you haven't even hung out -- you will grow apart.   So, they say 'time changes things' - but time never changes anything on it's own.  Every relationship needs work.
And you know this instinctively, right?   So, ask her to do something with you, or go somewhere with you. Or even help you with something - so she knows there are needs in your life that she still can fill.   You might need to take some initiative to have some more meaningful contact with her, like maybe once a week - if you both want to rebuild the friendship.   
        However, if she truly doesn't want anything to do with you, there may be little you can do - It's hard for me to imagine that she has wholly forgiven you if that is her attitude - But if she has made it clear that she doesn't want to be involved in your life anymore, then initiating more contact might actually push her further away.
        I think the most important thing is to make sure you are really repentant towards her.  Tell her, in one way or another, that you know there was no justifiable reason for your lying to her, and you are not making any excuses.  I think that there is never a good reason to lie.  Perhaps in the face of great evil, to protect the innocent or something (for example, in the Old Testament, Rahab lied to the guards who came to ask her if the Israelite spies were with her still, and she sent them off in another direction to look for them because she was protecting their lives).   Got wants us to 'Speak the Truth in Love'. The Bible also says, 'Faithful are the wounds of the friend (and truth sometimes is a little painful to hear), but an enemy multiplies kisses' (tells you anything you want to hear).    
       Honesty is very important in friendships.  So set aside a time to meet with her and talk, or in some way communicate with her on a deeper level, to tell her that you really know that what you did was wronging her, betraying your friendship, and that it breaks your heart and you will never do it again.    Tell her that you want to rebuild your friendship.  But then it is her choice.  Another thing about friendship is that it can never be forced.    Be vulnerable with her - let her know you care, and want her in your life - and if it so happens that she doesn't 'accept you back', allow yourself to grieve but respect her right to make that choice.
        This is very hard, I know. I'm praying for you, Jarelle.

Love in JESUS,
SM