Expert: Susan Milillo - 11/13/2008

Question
QUESTION: This is all really confusing, and I'm still trying to figure it out.
I had a friend come to me the other day and just totally spill out her life. She
had a real problem with her sister (still at home) who smokes, drinks, her
boyfriend wanted to have sex...
But then her aunt and uncle are getting a divorce, she feels attracted to her
cousin, and she hates that her grandma remarried (Which I don't understand
because I know her new grandpa, and hes a great guy, but I know there are
more to people than others see)
I told her that she should think about telling someone. I know she told me,
but there is so much I can tell her. She knows who she wants to tell, but shes
just (understandably) really scared.
What bothers me is the way she said she hadn't prayed in months because
God couldn't love her. How there was no way God would taker her back. I
think there might be something more going on, but I don't know how to ask.
I know what it means to live a secret life, because I was addicted to
masturbation and pornography, but I am getting the help I need and will
probably be starting counseling next week. I just remember being in her
shoes and having this huge secret but thinking everyone I told would freak
out (they didn't, they loved and supported me!)
I feel like there is something I should do to help, but I don't really know what.
julia

ANSWER: Julia,
It's so wonderful that you are letting God use you through your own struggles, to help a friend, and I'm happy you are going for counseling soon. I hope this will really help you put things into their proper perspective! I'm sure it will (it's a Christian counselor?)

My thought is, maybe you could offer to go with her to talk to whomever she needs to talk with . That way maybe it would be less scary for her.

Maybe there is something more going on, as you sense.  It might take time for her to be ready to 'out with it'.

Just speak truth to her.  Tell her what the Bible says about how God feels about her.  Has she ever asked Jesus to be her Savior? Then her sins are all already covered!  If she acknowledges her sin to God, He doesn't even think about it anymore!  Tell her to read Psalm 103.
It's always a mistake to 'disagree' with the way God says things are, even if the topic is His feelings towards you!  I once read a book called 'Faith is not a Feeling'.   We have to believe God because He said it, and because of who He is, not because we necessarily FEEL it.
This is hard, but so important .   

Just keep being her friend, remind her God's Word - tell her that she wants to move CLOSER to God, not further away so it would be very important that she not go her own way to deal with her feelings.  (For example, she shouldn't put herself in any situation where she'd be tempted to be inappropriate with her cousin, or with her boyfriend - don't be ALONE together, etc.)

So, but I will pray for you and for her.   Encourage your friend to start out small - read one psalm every day and pray for just five minutes -- just to get that communication between herself and God going again.

And, I think maybe offer to go with her to talk to someone, since she obviously trusts you and maybe it would be less scary to her that way.

By the way, are you the Julia who wrote to me before? :-)

Love,
SM

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Yep... it is me again. I guess its one of those 'success stories' that should be
told... But my parents actually went to talk to the counselor for the first
meeting this morning! Pretty much she just told them that everything i told
her would stay on confidence and they set up an appointmet for me next
week sometime... Yes shes a Christian counselor! but its kind of awkward
because I go to school with her daughter.. but its all starting to work out.

Its hard because she (my friend) has told a few people parts of this... so I
don't want to pretend like she should talk to ME over anyone else, but I guess
I feel like I know what it is to be really alone and afraid!
And I don't want to pretend like I've got it all figured out either, because I
really don't. There are still days where I feel like she does... that Im just a
messed up sinner! When I have to write bible verses on my hands, feet, and
wherever else to just remember that Im loved and that its OK.
Whats hard is that her parent dont know about her sister. Like, her sister
steals cigarettes from her dad and she has to lie every time. Before I wouldn't
have said that the two of us were really that close! so I don't want to come
across that I know it all!

But thanks very much! AllExperts changed my life, so I figured it could be
worth a try for her.
julia

ANSWER: Dear Julie,

I'm so glad it's working for you to go to a good counselor!  I'm so glad for you.    And I'm proud of you for telling the stuff to your mom, so she could help you find help.  Sometimes that's exactly what we all need.  

Have you confided in this friend about your own story?   If so, I would imagine she feels quite comfortable sharing her struggles with you.  
Don't feel awkward offering to go with her to talk to someone. Of course she could ask any of these other friends, but for all you know, maybe none of them are offering to walk beside her in quite the same way.   It never hurts to offer -- not demand an answer right away, or anything.   But it's always good to put it out there, be available.
We are all messed up sinners! Myself included, believe me!!  But we are in Christ, if we have believed on Him, and His righteousness is what God sees. Cool, huh?
Well, I don't think you'll come across like you've got it all figured out; tell her you are starting a counseling relationship with a professional. I'm sure she won't think you think that you think you've got it all together.
Look at Galatians 6:1 -- Make sure your heart is humble in prayer, but don't let FEAR of pride/conceit keep you from reaching out to help.  None of us is perfectly pure in our motives ever, but it seems that God is reaching out to her, so it could just be that He has put you in this place 'for such a time as this' (What Esther's uncle told her in the book of Esther when she was facing a really scary situation)
If we waited to serve God till our motives were perfect, we'd never do anything!!  (or we'd be arrogantly deluded, one or the other!)
Probably, for the time being she should just focus on her own life in God (does she know Jesus), and wait on God to use her in her sisters' life.  
Thanks so much for writing to me again!  I'll always be glad to hear from you.
God bless,
Sincerely~
SM
p.s. Have you had your first counseling session yet?  How did it go?

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you SO much! Everything really has made sense... i am blessed to
know a huge group of amazing people (who know about all of my life) who
can say stuff that really makes sense to me!

I haven't told her yet... maybe I will. But its just really hard! Coming from a
really small Christian school stuff like this comes as a real shock... but I guess
so does her situation (as her sister went here also)

m just really scared for her because of some of the things she has said... how
she feels like no one loves her, how she wrote "no one loves me" over and
over and then tore up the paper, how she said she feels like there isn't really
a reason for her to live
It was really freaky as a friend to hear all of that! I keep looking for what to
tell her, but I don't feel like (maybe...) shes ready to hear it.
I actually have another friend who I told very little (that i had messed up really
bad and would be going to counseling for awhile) and she is still not getting
over the fact that I messed up because Im the 'perfect kid.'

counseling hasn't started yet... theres a little more than a week of waiting
here yet, the the first meeting (but my parents already talked to her) so now
its just wait and pray...

THANK YOU!
julia

Answer
Hey Julia,

You don't have to tell her the nitty-gritty details of your sin struggle.   You can just generally say that you've been in some pretty bad places yourself, and nothing shocks you - or something like that.

Your other friend who is still trying to get over your not being perfect, ask her 'Why would Jesus have to die if I basically had it together?'  

Just some ideas.

:-)
SM