Expert: Brenda Martin - 12/29/2008

Question
Hey Brenda,
My name is Sam and ive just completely highschool this year. Im currently dating a Pastor's daughter and we've been going out for a month now. We're both taking our relationship very seriously and have agreed to remain focused on God as well. But lately, we've been considering what having a relationship that has God as the head really means. I think maybe we're over complicating things, but im not sure what im suppose to do. Being the pastor's daughter shes more spiritually mature than i am, and ive started to adopt the 'following' role rather than the 'leading' person in the relationship which i know according to the Bible isnt what God wants. She thinks we're spending too much time and effort in making this relationship work which in effect has caused us to be distracted from God. I personally believe that its because we've only just started going out and no one (including friends at church) really supported us and therefore we were occupied with sorting out our relationship. We really want to be with each other, and we can both see ourselves marrying each other, but we're not sure if our relationship is distracting us from God. We both know the boundaries and have made it clear before dating, so this relationship isnt ungodly, but it still doesnt feel right. What does it really mean to have a Godly relationship? A relationship that focuses on God? She suggested maybe we should break-up because itll be easier to focus on our relationship with God without being overly concerned with our feeligns for each other. But its never possible to have a perfect relationship with God, we're humans we will ALWAYS have doubts at some point, and that is why we're not perfect. With that said, WHEN are we absolutely ready to date?

Answer
HI Sam, you asked--"WHAT DOES HAVING A RELATIONSHIP THAT HAS GOD AS THE HEAD REALLY MEAN? WHAT DOES IT REALLY MEAN TO HAVE A GODLY RELATIONSHIP? WHEN ARE WE ABSOLUTELY READY TO DATE?"

I enclose this bible based article as it will help answer some of your questions—

““A Time to Embrace and a Time to Keep Away From Embracing”

Christians should be selective about whom they embrace in friendship. They keep in mind Paul’s warning: “Do not be misled. Bad associations spoil useful habits.” (1 Corinthians 15:33) And wise King Solomon noted: “He that is walking with wise persons will become wise, but he that is having dealings with the stupid ones will fare badly.”—Proverbs 13:20.

Servants of Jehovah choose as friends individuals who have the same love for Jehovah and his righteousness that they do. While they appreciate and enjoy the companionship of their friends, they wisely avoid the permissive, overly liberal view of dating that is prevalent in some countries today. Rather than indulging in it as harmless fun, they view dating as a serious step toward marriage that should be taken only when one is physically, mentally, and spiritually ready—as well as Scripturally free—to enter into a permanent partnership.—1 Corinthians 7:36.

Some may feel that it is old-fashioned to take such a view of dating and marriage. But Jehovah’s Witnesses do not allow peer pressure to influence their choice of friends or their decisions as regards dating and marriage. They know that “wisdom is proved righteous by its works.” (Matthew 11:19) Jehovah always knows best, so they take seriously his counsel to marry “only in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 7:39; 2 Corinthians 6:14) They avoid rushing into marriage with the mistaken thought that divorce or separation are acceptable options should the relationship falter. They take their time to seek out a suitable partner, realizing that once marriage vows are taken, Jehovah’s law applies: “So that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has yoked together let no man put apart.”—Matthew 19:6; Mark 10:9.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment that deserves careful planning. A man will logically ask himself, ‘Is she really the right person for me?’ But equally important, he should ask, ‘Am I really the right person for her? Am I a mature Christian who can care for her spiritual needs?’ Both prospective partners have an obligation before Jehovah to be spiritually strong, capable of forming a solid marriage union that merits divine approval. Thousands of Christian couples can testify that because of its emphasis on giving rather than on receiving, the full-time ministry is an excellent starting point for a happy marriage.

Some Christians “keep away from embracing” by choosing to remain single for the sake of the good news. (Ecclesiastes 3:5) Others postpone marriage until they feel that they are spiritually qualified to attract a fitting mate. But let us also remember those single Christians who yearn for the intimacies and benefits of marriage and yet fail to find a partner. We can be sure that Jehovah rejoices over their refusal to compromise divine principles in their pursuit of marriage. We also do well to appreciate their loyalty and to offer them the appropriate support that they deserve.”   

End of article.

1. So a relationship that has “God as its head” is called a “threefold cord”, although it is referring to marriage, the principle is the same—

We read: “A threefold cord cannot quickly be torn in two.” (Eccl. 4:12) Marriage becomes a threefold cord by bringing God into it. How is that done? By making the marriage vows in the presence of God and recognizing one’s obligation at all times to be pleasing Him, the originator of marriage.

To bring God into one’s marriage by pleasing him means to keep his commandments as found in his Word, the Bible. It commands, “Love your neighbour as yourself.” For married folks their closest neighbour is their own mate. They must also apply to their relations with each other Jesus’ further words: “Just as you want men to do to you, do the same way to them.” —Mark 12:31; Luke 6:31.

The role of the husband is that of exercising loving headship: “The head of a woman [wife] is the man.” (1 Cor. 11:3) But this in no way authorizes the husband to be a selfish, independent dictator. By no means! That would be sidestepping God, for he counsels: “Husbands, continue loving your wives, just as the Christ also loved the congregation and delivered up himself for it . . . In this way husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it.” One of the greatest examples of unselfish love is this one of Christ, the one that husbands are to follow.—Eph. 5:25-29.

In wisdom and love the Creator has ordained that the wife should be in subjection to the husband and father. In fact, only by her being submissive can her husband love her as he loves his own body, for his own flesh is submissive to him. That is why the Word of God commands: “Let wives be in subjection to their husbands as to the Lord.” And again, “The wife should have deep respect for her husband.” By both husband and wife playing their God-ordained roles the marriage is strengthened.—Eph. 5:22-33.

Women, by seeking to compete with men and occupy and play man’s role, are actually working against their own interests. They are denying their own femininity.

There is yet another way in which God can be in your marriage so as to strengthen it, and that is by both husband and wife ‘walking with God.’ (Mic. 6:8) What does this mean? It means to have a meaningful relationship with God. This is shown by one’s looking to God at all times for wisdom and strength, and in particular by frequently talking to him in prayer. It means to be like Moses, who “continued steadfast as seeing the One who is invisible.” It means not to “be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving let your petitions be made known to God.”—Heb. 11:27; Phil. 4:6.”

I think that takes in your first 2 questions. so now I will answer; when is a person ready to date?

Again I enclose a bible based article written by Jehovah’s Witnesses

“Young People Ask . . .
Young Dating—What’s the Harm?

When to Date

This does not mean that you will never be able to date. But if you are a teenager, you are probably in what the Bible calls “the bloom of youth.” (1 Corinthians 7:36) You are just beginning to blossom into the man or the woman that you will eventually be. During this period of time, you begin to mature physically, emotionally, and sexually. Your feelings—including sexual desires—may be as strong as they will ever be. However, those feelings may also be subject to rapid changes. For this reason, teen romances tend to be very short-lived. “When I’d date,” recalls one teenage girl, “it was usually on one week and off the next.”

Clearly, it doesn’t make sense to date during “the bloom of youth.” It is best to wait until you know who you are, what your likes and dislikes are, and what goals you wish to pursue. Also, you should be old enough to carry out the responsibilities of marriage. For example, Jehovah expects a husband to provide for his family—physically, materially, and spiritually. If you are a teenage boy, are you prepared to get a job and care for a wife and possibly children? Are you in a position to assist them in maintaining their spirituality? And what if you are a young girl? A wife is required to love and respect her husband; she must support the decisions he makes. Are you really prepared to do so on a long-term basis? Also, are you ready to manage a household day in and day out—to prepare meals and take care of children?—Ephesians 5:22-25, 28-31; 1 Timothy 5:8.

To illustrate: In Western lands young people dream of driving the family car. But what does a youth have to do before he or she is allowed to do so? In most lands you have to get some training and take a test before you are given that license. Why? Because driving is a serious responsibility. Your life and the lives of others will be in your hands when you get behind the steering wheel. Well, marriage is also a very serious responsibility! As a teenager, you may simply not be ready for it yet. In that case, you would be wise to resist the temptation to date, since dating is a step toward finding a marriage mate. Put simply: If you are not ready for marriage, you shouldn’t date.

To make a wise decision in this regard, you need what the Bible calls “knowledge and thinking ability.” (Proverbs 1:4) It might be a good idea, then, to take advantage of the knowledge and experience of someone older. Christian parents are usually in the best position to help you assess your readiness for marriage. And you may also want to get some advice from mature members of the Christian congregation. If your parents do not want you to date, you do well to cooperate with them. Their desire is to help you “ward off calamity.”—Ecclesiastes 11:10.

If they feel that you are not ready to date, they may recommend that in the meantime, rather than restricting your attention to one person, you widen out your circle of friends. Associating with people single and married, old and young, as well as with those your own age, can help you to round out your personality and get a more realistic view of life and marriage.

Waiting until you are ready to date will not be easy. But it is worth the wait. By using “the bloom of youth” to grow up into a mature, responsible adult, you will spare yourself a host of problems. You will give yourself the time to develop into the kind of person who can handle the pressures and responsibilities of marriage. You will also allow yourself time to grow into a spiritual person. That way, when you are finally ready to date, others may very well see you as someone really worth getting to know better.”

End of article.

All the best
Brenda