Expert: Susan Milillo - 12/8/2008

Question
QUESTION: I'm 13.I'm a girl.I feel that I'm overeffactuated with breasts.I searched on the internet about lesbianism and it said that if you are in any way attracted to a girl,then you are one.So that means that I'm bisexual!I can't deal with this.I want to kill myself.I won't accept myself this way because I want to be straight.If I am bisexual,I don't want to ever see another girl again,literally.I am sort of a homophobe.I'm homophobic in other words.I wouldn't say that I have feelings for girls,but it's something different.If I had feelings for them,then I would be asking them out and as far as I know,I'm addicted to boys.I'm attracted to guys but I don't know if I am with girls though.It is hard to say.I watch pornography.It's like an addiction now.The thought of girls licking me turns me on.I probably won't try it because I'm afraid that I might like it and I think that I might like it.Do I like it because it's so taboo?I don't want to be a bisexual either!I just want to be straight!Does this make me a lesbian or something?When I think about having sex with a guy,I get really turned on.I want to marry a guy.I want to have a relationship with a guy.Now something is telling me that I wish a girl would come onto me.Does this also mean that I'm a lesbian?There's this girl at my school that I feel attracted to but I don't think it's not a strong attraction.Like some days,I'll say she's pretty and other days,I think that I'm attracted to her so it's really confusing.I don't think that I would ask her out.If I really was attracted to her then I would think about her a lot and ask her out.I don't do that.Even if she was a lesbian,no.Does this mean that I'm not straight?I sometimes feel like I want to be with a girl because of sex.But I know that I want to be with a guy.Sometimes,I want a girl to lick me.I've always wanted to be with a guy,all of my life.It's just now,I'm getting all of these strange feelings.Will these feelings go away?I was thinking about how hot it would be to have sex with a girl and how it would feel.Like one minute,I'll ask myself do I want to be want a man.I'm really confused on what I want but I would be happier with a guy.I love guys.I wasn't actually thinking about having a actual relationship with a girl until someone mentioned it.I'm wondering if I want a girlfriend,does it sound like it?I want to be straight!I don't want to be bi sexual either!I can't stop worrying about this and if I'm unstraight then I might as well go ahead and kill myself!I can't say that I want to be in a relationship with a girl.I just don't find it that interesting.It's not for me.If I'm sexually and physically attracted girls,what does that mean?I don't know what I want and don't want.I was watching lesbian porn and I was wishing that was me.Maybe I didn't.All I know is that I thought it was hot and maybe I would had liked to had given it a try but still my morals don't approve.I'm pretty sure that my love for boys is greater than my love for girls.I always think about guys!If a girl offered to have sex with me,I don't know what I would say.I haven't tried to have sex with a girl nor do I intend to have sex with a girl.I'm comfortable with the idea of being with a girl.I think that majority of the stuff that turns me on,I mistaken actually liking it for wanting it.Is that the problem then?

I won't be happy with my life if I am bi sexual or a lesbian,I won't!

When I was six,I had a crush on my gym teacher.I thought about sex with him.It wasn't real sex at the time,it was mostly like him kissing me and doing bad things to me sexually.This went on for about a couple of years.I didn't really have a sexually active mind at nine and ten but when eleven hit!Wow!I started thinking about any kind of sex and by the time of twelve,it got a lot worse.I think the first time I had watched porn was when I was probably around nine or ten or maybe a little bit older.Then when I turned twelve and thirteen,I started watching it more and reading incest stories and also rape stories.I don't know if I was molested.I even remember trying to make my barbie dolls have sex.And then I would make them sexually and physically abuse one another.I have thoughts about being raped.I do however remember when I was about five or six,I remember on Christmas night,I had a rash down there and my mom of course had to put the ointment on down there.So when she did I all of a sudden said "I hope someone touches me right there one day."

Now one of my fears is that if I get married to a man,what if I start to have feelings for women?
I don't want that to happen,I want to be married to a man but what if in the mist of being married to a man,I start to have feelings for women?Please answer this question especially!
Me and my friend are close.I was thinking about how pretty she is and she's so nice to me or at least most of the time she is.Then I started to imagine sex with her and think about how nice and gentle it would be and how her body would be and how hot it would be.I want to be straight and I want to have sex with guys when I grow up and get married and I don't want this to stop it.I have a much more deeper love for guys than girls though.What does that mean though?I hope that I'm not emotionally attracted to her because if I'm then that means that I'm bi sexual or something.Does it sound like I am?Do we just have a truly good friendship?

I like girls' bodies but I feel that I want to have sex with them because it looks very inviting and fun but I won't.

I was just masturbating a few days ago and I thought to myself "I want to be a lesbian because it was be so hot to have sex with a girl."I was really horny.Does it sound like I really meant that?

This is why I won't experiment with a girl.

It against my beliefs and my religious beliefs.

I don't want to regret it.

It would ruin my chances of getting married to a man.

I want my first time to be with a boy.

I'm afraid that I might like it.

I don't think it's a lifestyle that I would want to lead.

If it is going to make me a lesbian by experimenting then I definitely don't want to.

I believe that man is for woman as woman is for man.

I don't want to deal with the shame.

I know that guys are right for me.

Is this how you know that you do not want to experiment with a girl?

This is how I know that I don't want to be a lesbian though.-

I don't want to live with the shame.

I want to marry a guy.

I don't want to live the lifestyle.

I most likely wouldn't be happy with a girl.

It's against my beliefs.

I haven't dated a girl and if I wanted to,I would have already done it.

I don't think that I would have sex with a girl.

The only time that I think about sex with girls is when someone mentions it or when I masturabte or when I am worried about it.

I want to be straight because I know that I would be a lot happier that way.

I love guys.

Is that how you know?

This is how I know that I want to be with a guy.-

I'm happy with guys.

If I didn't want to be with guys,I wouldn't be so worried about all of this.

I imagine myself with them daily.

I love guys.

I want to marry a guy.

When I grow up,I want to have sex with a guy.

I want to date guys.

I want to be with guys.

It's not an ambomination of GOD to be with a guy when you are a girl.

I like the firmness and strongness and aggressiveness that guys have.

Is that how you know?

I asked myself if I had the chance to marry a guy and a girl,would I do it?I said maybe.I want to marry guys.Just because I said that I probably woud marry both,does that mean that I am bisexual?Am I thinking too much?I don't know if I would have sex with a girl.One part says yes and another says no!I might kiss a girl but I doubt anything else.Okay,to be honest,I probably wouldn't even kiss a girl,I don't know why,but I jsust probably wouldn't!Is wanting to have sex with a girl just curiousity or does it mean that I'm a lesbian?Nevertheless,I was thinking what if I really want to have sex with a girl.That makes me a lesbian,doesn't it?Does it sound like I want to have sex with a girl?What if I want to go farther than experimenting?Am I mistaking wanting to experiment with it turning me on?

Now something is questioning me of if I would try something with a girl even though I keep telling myself that I wouldn't.All this time up until today,I kept saying that I wouldn't try anything with a girl,now something is telling me that I would.But the thing is that no matter how much that voice speaks,I won't act on it because I'll regret it.I think the real reason of why I'm feeling all of this is because I questioned myself.I havent't ever really thought about this stuff this bad before until I asked myself was I straight.The more I question myself,the more I start to come up with things such as "I might like her".It's because it's on my mind at the time.Is that why?

I'm so worried right now.I don't know if I'm sexually attracted to women.Being sexually attracted to women means that you want to have sex with them and if I want to have sex with one then that makes me a lesbian even though it's experimenting,doesn't it?BUT I DON'T KNOW IF ALL I WANT TO DO IS EXPERIMENT,WHAT IF I WANT TO GO FURTHER?

I've been thinking about sex since I was 6.So now in my mind,I am married to a guy named Eric and I have three kids,Riley,Aurora,and Nicolette.This is all in my imagination by the way.But I think about bondage sex,hardcore sex,gentle sex,regular sex,and kinky sex.I'm still a virgin and I plan to be a virgin until I get married.I'm sticking to that definitely.So the other day,I was thinking about a guy licking me and since I have been depressed about my sexuality,the thought of a girl licking me popped up in my head.Is it because I've been thinking about this so much for the last couple of days or so?I like lesbian porn more than I do any other kind.Also when I masturbate,I think about girls licking me or licking each other.I don't want to be a lesbian.I haven't dated or had sex with a girl.I think girls are pretty.I love boys.I have only dated boys.I'm turned on by lesbian porn.I want to be straight.I've always wanted to marry a man when I grow up.I'm not even supporting gay or lesbian beliefs.I haven't had sex and don't plan to until I am married (to a man of course.)All I think about is sex though.I only think about sex with girls when I mas*urba*e or when someone mentions it or because I'm worried about it.If I want a girl to lick me and have sex with me then that means that I am a lesbian,right?

I can't get married now!No man will want to marry me if I'm unstraight.I don't want to be a lesbian.I want to be with guys but a part of me tells me that I want to have sex with a girl but I won't do it.At least I don't think I would.I'm happy with guys.Does it sound like I am straight or bi-cuirous?

I know that I wouldn't do it because-

It is wrong or at least to me.

I would not want to carry the shame of it.

It would ruin my chances with a guy when I grow up.

I wouldn't want to be considered bi or a lesbian for doing it.

I would regret it because I am already regretting just the thought of it.

Is that how you know that you wouldn't do it?

I don't know if I want to have sex with a girl but I think I want to experiment but I do not know.I'm curious to what it would be like and I think that it would feel good,I think that I would rather not.Something tells me that I want to be intimate with a girl but I think I want to experiment but I probably wouldn't try anything with girls.People are telling me to do what makes me happy,being with guys makes me happy.So does it sound like I am a lesbian?If I liked girls then I would be dating them.If I find out that I'm unstraight,I might kill myself.Being a lesbian or bisexual is an abomination in the sight of GOD.I know that I'm attracted to guys.Sometimes my mind tells me that I want to have sex with a girl.I don't want to be bisexual or a lesbian.I want to be straight.I really don't think that I'm going to date or have sex with a girl even though my mind sometimes tells me that I want to.

I want to be straight.

Guys make me very happy.

I haven't dated a girl.

I love guys.

I just have thoughts about it.

My mind sometimes tells me that I want to have sex with a girl but I wouldn't do it,at least I don't think that I would.

To me it's wrong and I don't want to be a lesbian or bisexual.

I'm worried about this.

I've always imagined myself with guys and marrying guys.

I don't want to live with the shame of being a lesbian or being bi.

I went to the doctor once and the doctor touched me in a "place" and I was eleven or getting ready to turn twelve.When she touched me,I kind of liked it but I felt uncomfortable.Even after she did it,I felt uncomfortable,it was a woman doctor.Am I a lesbian?Also when my mom tickles me or touches me on my shoulders,I get sexually excited.I'm very ticklesh.I want to be straight.Am I a lesbian?

My biggest fear is that when I meet a guy and want to get married,he might not want to marry me if he thinks that I'm not straight.I don't want to know what is wrong and what is right because I still believe what I believe.Am I straight?Is it my horomones telling that I want to be with girls?I don't know if I want to have sex with girl,does it sound like I do?

Being with a guy makes me very happy.No man will like me!When I masturbate,I get more turned on by thinking girls are licking me than I do guys.So what does this mean?

One thing tells me that I want to be with a girl and another part of me says that I don't.I've always wanted to be with a guy and no one is going to tell me that I don't. I wouldn't have sex with a girl for a lot of reasons.I don't know if I want to have sex with a girl.I think that I want to experiment when I get older but I most likely won't.

There's a lot of things holding me back including myself.I don't know what is telling me that I want to experiment but I am trying to ignore that voice.I know that I most likely wouldn't but I'm just curious as to what it would be like and would I like it.Does that mean that I am a lesbian?I can't marry a guy now!He won't want to marry me if he thinks that I am a lesbian or bisexual?Am I just somewhat curious?

There's this girl at my school.Then I thought "Maybe I'm attracted to her."I tried to visualize what it would be like to be with her.I don't know if I would go out with her because that's a little too far for me and I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't.80% that I wouldn't.I have always imagined myself with a guy.Did I just admire her and her body?Or am I lesbian for thinking this about her and feeling this way about her?Am I sexually or physically attracted to her?I did want to touch her breasts or one of her other body parts but I don't think that I would do it.

Is all of this just my horomones acting up?Is this why I can't make up my mind about anything?

I always think about guys.When I masturbate,I get into the heat of the moment and I just think about anything that would turn me on.When my mom was touching my shoulder,I was hoping that she would go farther.I'm really ticklesh on my shoulder.I would probably be unhappy with a girl.I always think about guys daily,everyday,I think about them daily.Am I a lesbian for wanting my mom to go further for that moment?

My mind tells me one thing and my heart tells me different things.I want to kill myself over this because I just want to be straight.I think that girls are attractive.I want to be with a guy for the rest of my life.What am I?I can't get a husband or boyfriend now!

Something tells me that I want to try it one day.I taught that it is wrong but if that makes me a lesbian then I don't want to try it.Nevertheless,I always pictured myself with guys.I'm reluctant with doing it when I get older because I don't want to be a lesbian.Even if it doesn't make me a lesbian,it's still the point of the thing.The fact that I might want to try it later on in life scares me.I'm NOT sure if I am going to try it anywhere in the future but I'm 75% sure that I wouldn't because that's not who I am or at least I don't think that I would try it.Would trying it make me a lesbian or something?

I think that I want to try something with a girl or at least something tells me that I do,there's some things holding me back.It's against my beliefs and if it makes me a lesbian or bisexual if I do it,I definitely don't want to do it.I want to be with guys but I wonder what it would be like with girls.I know that no matter how much these urges come to me to try it,that I won't give in.Does it make me a lesbian becase I wanted to try it?I'm not going to experiment.I truly want to just really kill myself over this!I only think about sex with girls when someone mentions it and when I masturbate.Other than that,I always think about sex with guys.I want to be with a guy.I'm happy with guys.Does it sound like I'm straight?
Someone just told me that if I had to ask if I am Saved then obviously I am not.   I go to an Apostolic church but I am really Pentocostal.MY beliefs are that if you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Saviour and ask Him for forgiveness from your sins then you are saved.But of course different denominations have different beliefs on what actually makes you saved so if I went to a non denominational church it might make me confused. So if you don't mind,I will ask my question again.- Well when I was about 8,I asked for God's forgiveness but at the time,I did it because I didn't want to go to hell.I didn't really love GOD because I didn't really know Him that well.So then like 2 years later,I got the Holy Ghost but then I felt that my church was trying to really push me into it so I just all of a sudden shut down.About a year ago or a couple of months ago,I just decided that I didn't want to go to church anymore.I go once in a while but not every Sunday and I feel that if I am just going to make people happy and just to be there then that's a vain reason to go.If you're not there for GOD then there's no point in goingI tried reading my Bible and I started from the first chapter and tried to read the whole book in order.Well that got boring and I didn't understand anything so I stopped that too.So now,the only thing that I will do is pray and majority of the time,it's to ask for things.I'm not really sure if I love GOD because I haven't really got to know Him nor hae I really tried anymore.I know I have really backslided in that area.Does this mean that I am not saved?Or at least anymore now?So now I am not saved?!?!?!?!?!?!?!Now I might as well kill myself.The thing is that I don't know if my heart was into when I was eight,at the time,I Was a little willing to get to know GOD better but now I am hearing this?What are you saying now.Now I am not saved?Yes I do believe that He is the son of GOD and that He died for our sins so that we can be forgiven.I asked Him for forgiveness.At the time,I didn't want to go to hell but at the time,I was young and I wanted to I guess know Him better.But after that,I just drifted off.But now I don't even know if I am saved.Does it sound like I am saved?If I didn't ove GOD when I got saved then does this mean that I am not saved?Do I need to get saved again?   I know this is terribly off subject.But now I am in even worse trouble if I am not saved.I feel even worse.They told me that I have to accept Jesus as my master which is what I thought accepting Him as my Saviour meant.It make sme want to commit suicide even more than before.Maybe my life is just going down the drain.I mean,I have everything academically and school-wise going for me.But everything else is just terrible.   I live with my mom and she is on welfare and medical cards but yet my dad is rich.I don't live with my dad.But I live with my mom in an apartment building that my dad owns,he owns a lot. I guess you could say that my mom is middle class because we aren't poor.My dad always gives us the money to pay our bills and buy food and all of that stuff. So does this mean that I am poor? There are days when my mom doesn't have money.But we don't starve or don't have clothes but there are some days that there is nothing to eat (which is rare)because I eat up everything and she doesn't have time to go to the store or my dad hasn't given her the money.   I am stuggling with my sexuality.I'm not pretty.I have bad thoughts and can not seem to get my mind together.And now I might not be saved?Please respond!

I don't feel good.I'm not alright.This makes me want to do something drastic.Like suicide!I asked Him into my heart but at the time,it was because I didn't want to go to hell or anything.Am I not saved then?Do I need to get saved again or something?

Also I am wondering if I have blaspemed.Sometimes when I say the word gay or something similar,I suddenly look at a picture of Jesus even though I wasn't tlakign about Him.And sometimes I think about blaspemy.I also wonder if I have sold my soul.I sometimes think about selling it.And sometimes I say "If I don't do this then my soul is....."
I don't want to say the rest.I don't know if I have bet on my soul but yet I think that I have but I ask for forgiveness after it.I ask God to forgive me for it.But I don't want to sell my soul.Does this mean that I have?Please answer all of these questions!

ANSWER: Dear Corrina,

        You sound so full of anxious questions.   I want to know, how can I best pray for you?    
        I've written to you a couple times before. Have you gotten my responses?  
        But please, I need to know how to pray for you.

Sincerely,
S.M.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: What do you mean?I thought there was only one way to pray.I guess you could just pray and thank you.I have so many problems and issues.And no,I don't think that I have talked to you before,what were the messages that you sent to me.

ANSWER: Dear Corrina,
I have prayed for you and certainly will again. I will 'redouble' my prayers on your behalf.
I think it's usually good to keep things simple.   Purue your relationship with God, and in that pursue a life of PURITY.  This will mean cutting out some things from your habit.  But it also means positively pursuing so many other Godly things!
I don't remember if I said this before, but I have had occasional thoughts related to finding women attractive. I remember dealing with that at one point in my life, and someone reaffirming to me that,
it wasn't that I wanted to be sexual with a woman, but that I'm excited to be discovering my own beauty as a woman, so recognizing that in other women is validating to my own sense of being a woman.
Seek God ; Get His view on things.  
And I'll be praying for you!

Love,
SM

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I learned about sex at a very eary age.When I was six,I had a crush on my gym teacher and I thought about sex with him.It wasn't real sex at the time,it was mostly like him kissing me and doing really bad things to me sexually.Well this went on for about a couple of years.I didn't really have a sexually active mind at nine and ten but when eleven hit!Wow!I started thinking about any kind of sex and by the time of twelve,it got a lot worse.I think the first time I had watched porn was when I was probably around seven or eight or maybe a little bit older.Then when I was about twelve or thirteen,I started watching it more and reading incest stories and also rape stories.I don't know if I was molested when I was a litte girl.I even remember trying to make my barbie dolls have sex.I used to have thoughts about being raped.I do however remember when I was about five or six,I distinctly remember on Christmas night,I had a rash down there and my mom of course had to put the ointment on down there.So when she did I all of a sudden said "I hope someone touches me right there one day." She just looked at me and told me not to say that. and the part about OCD were true. I am 13 and I am a girl,and unfortunately,I am wondering if I was molested. An dmy psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD but it's not a severe case. The reason why I posted the question isn't to trick people,it's becaus eI am scared to death of it happening if I get married and have kids when I am older. But when I was little,about 4 or 5,it was thunderstorming,and as a little as I was,I was frightened to death of thunderstorms and I still am at age 13.And my dad had came over.And every time he comes over,him and my mom,well.....let's not go there.But I remember going into their room with them and it was dark and I remember trying to get away and something grabbing my leg. I still wonder if it was a dream but it is ironic how after it,I became very sexualized a year later.I'm a very sexual kid but the thing is that I haven't had sex unless I was raped when I was little.I am practicing abstienecne and a lot of people think that people who think of sex constantly like I do would be sexualy active but I am not at all.104% not. Do you want to know all of the things that I have thought about in the last couple of years? At six,it was my gym teacher,I had a huge crush on him.I would think of him kissing me to dragging me on the floor naked or abusing me sexually,the only thing that I did not think of was him having intercouse with me. At seven it was stil the same thing and eight too. At nine,I kind of got over the crush because I found a little boy that was my age that I liked.And even then,I didn't think of sex too much but I did think of having sex with him. The same thing happened at ten. At eleven,the whole thing got worse.I mean WORSE. There was this boy that I liked at middle school and I started thinking of sex with him too.An dI finally got over him and then I started imagining what my marriage would be like.Pure sex. I know or sure that my marriage qill be more than sex but for the time,I think about sex a lot.Eveyr single day.There isn't 1,not 1 day taht goes by that I don't think of it and now it is to the point where I imagine that I am married to a guy named Eric and that we have three kids name Riley,Aurora,and Nicolette.And I imagine me and him doing hardcore sex,to romantic sex,to bondage sex,to anal sex,to vaginal sex.I don't imagine threesomes or orgy sex simply because if I get married,I don't want different people trying to have sex with us. I know more things that what my parents know about sex,I could tell them things about it.I could probably even tell you things about it.lol. I watched porn at a young age.I would give an estimate at about nine or ten maybe eleven.But now I have a computer so I Can watch it a lot and read porn stories which I do.I used to watch it on tv.I would stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning watching it. And a lot of people would think that I am sexually active because of this,but I am 104% not.I am being abstienent.Unless I was raped then I am still a virgin because I haven't had sex.But rape and molestation are different. I remember trying to make my dolls have sex ad the weird thing is that when I got a tad bit older,I even made one of the dolls sexually abuse the other and physically abuse it.On Christmas,I told my mom,while she was rubbing ointment down there because I was too little to do it myself,but I told her,distinctly that I hoped someone would touch me there someday.I know that kids shouldn't say things like that.I practically have a porn addiction at 13.I watch it,I read it and the weird thing is that I am not afraid to admit it which could either work in my favor or not. Do you think that I was molested when I was young?But when I was little,about 4 or 5,it was thunderstorming,and as a little as I was,I was frightened to death of thunderstorms and I still am at age 13.And my dad had came over.And every time he comes over,him and my mom,well.....let's not go there.But I remember going into their room with them and it was dark and I remember trying to get away and something grabbing my leg. I still wonder if it was a dream but it is ironic how after it,I became very sexualized a year later.I'm a very sexual kid but the thing is that I haven't had sex unless I was raped when I was little.I am practicing abstienecne and a lot of people think that people who think of sex constantly like I do would be sexualy active but I am not at all.104% not. Do you want to know all of the things that I have thought about in the last couple of years? At six,it was my gym teacher,I had a huge crush on him.I would think of him kissing me to dragging me on the floor naked or abusing me sexually,the only thing that I did not think of was him having intercouse with me. At seven it was stil the same thing and eight too. At nine,I kind of got over the crush because I found a little boy that was my age that I liked.And even then,I didn't think of sex too much but I did think of having sex with him. The same thing happened at ten. At eleven,the whole thing got worse.I mean WORSE. There was this boy that I liked at middle school and I started thinking of sex with him too.An dI finally got over him and then I started imagining what my marriage would be like.Pure sex. I know or sure that my marriage qill be more than sex but for the time,I think about sex a lot.Eveyr single day.There isn't 1,not 1 day taht goes by that I don't think of it and now it is to the point where I imagine that I am married to a guy named Eric and that we have three kids name Riley,Aurora,and Nicolette.And I imagine me and him doing hardcore sex,to romantic sex,to bondage sex,to anal sex,to vaginal sex.I don't imagine threesomes or orgy sex simply because if I get married,I don't want different people trying to have sex with us. I know more things that what my parents know about sex,I could tell them things about it.I could probably even tell you things about it.lol. I watched porn at a young age.I would give an estimate at about nine or ten maybe eleven.But now I have a computer so I Can watch it a lot and read porn stories which I do.I used to watch it on tv.I would stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning watching it. And a lot of people would think that I am sexually active because of this,but I am 104% not.I am being abstienent.Unless I was raped then I am still a virgin because I haven't had sex.But rape and molestation are different. I remember trying to make my dolls have sex ad the weird thing is that when I got a tad bit older,I even made one of the dolls sexually abuse the other and physically abuse it.On Christmas,I told my mom,while she was rubbing ointment down there because I was too little to do it myself,but I told her,distinctly that I hoped someone would touch me there someday.I know that kids shouldn't say things like that.I practically hav e aporn addiction at 13.I watch it,I read it and the weird thing is that I am not afraid to admit it which could either work in my favor or not. Do you think that I was molested when I was young?

Answer
Dear Corrina,

  Well, I think it's _possible_ that you were either raped or molested when you were young - that memory of someone grabbing your leg and not being able to get away.   When you say your dad came over... was he divorced from your mom, or living somewhere else?  And when you said, '....I don't wanna go there', can you just say did it have to do with sexual activity with your mom, or domestic violence?
   I don't know that much about what the 'signs' are if you've been sexually mistreated, but I will look into it for you.
    The porn you watched when you were real little -- did you find it in your home, on a tape, or something like that?

Remember this,
We cannot control what happened to us (or what may have possibly happened to us)
But we can control how we respond to it.

I don't know what the cause of it all is, but I do know that it's important for you to stop feeding the thoughts by watching and reading porn. related things.  Please, think seriously about this.   
Oh, and if you want to, look up a website settingcaptivesfree.com -- There is an online Bible study, where you get an accountability partner and everything, called Pure Freedom.  Honestly I don't know if it's just for guys or not. But I'll see what I can find out for you.

Love and prayers,
SM