Expert: Carl Fuglein - 3/9/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi I recently had a baby, at the end of last year. I just turned 19 and I am trying to get back on track. Religion has always been apart of me. I slipped up and got caught up in the "teenage" hood. The father of my baby isn't Christian he is also 19, and we are not together anymore. I am scared for my child because he is going to be raised in two homes. My ex drinks, he goes out he still lives with his mom and their isn't any real stability or foundation. I may of made a few mistakes and I try to forgive my self but I don't want my son to go threw what I did. My ex's side of the family has already made problems because they want him over there more often, and he is just going to grow up seeing two different worlds. I just don't know how to cope with it anymore.

ANSWER: Tanisha-

Well, the news isn't all bad.  The fact that your ex is taking any responsibility for your child is a good thing.  The downside, of course, is as you mention it - they want to have the baby as much as you do.

You have to understand one thing - that baby is not exclusively yours - it is your ex's as well, and always will be.  I know it may not seem like a good thing right now, but it's normally better for both parents to be involved in a child's life.  If the situation in the other home is a really, really, bad influence, and you can prove it, then you can go to court and try to get sole custody, but it doesn't sound like you'd win that right now.  All too often, guys from the hood just don't take any responsibility at all for their children - I'm sure you know girls in that situation.

Ask yourself this - do you really want to be totally responsible for your child for the next 18 years, or do you want help?  If your ex is not contributing to you financially by means of child support, then again you have an argument with the court.  But if he is giving you child support and caring for the baby at all, the court is not going to give sole custody to you.  Someday, you will be on your own, and he will be on his own.  Will he want to take the baby then?  When the baby isn't a baby, but a child?

Tanisha, the best thing that I think you can do right now is love that baby with all of your heart.  Take him to church, introduce him to God.  You be the "good" parent.  Eventually, the child will be able to tell the difference.  The worst thing you can do is bad mouth your ex.  That serves no purpose and will get you nowhere, and while the baby is still a baby, he won't know the difference.

Tanisha, you made a mistake, and you're working your way out of it.  God has already forgiven you, and it's time for you to forgive yourself and move on with your life.  Love the baby as you love God, and things will work out.

blessings.

carl




---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi I have taken allot of things you said into consideration and surprising things have gotten better between my ex and I. I told him about my concerns about his home life (the drinking, the smoking etc..) and he told me that he is willing to change. He said that he will start coming to church and hes going to try and become a better person. He also told me that he only wants to be with me and he want to work on our relationship and hopefully get married, if I take him back and I want to believe him but I feel like hes only saying that so that I can take him back. We were on good terms then I found out that a little after my baby was born he was having sex with someone else. It was a week after we had broken up but then we got back together a few   weeks later and broke up for good. Even though it was a week after we broke up I still feel like hes cheated on me. I mean its not just like were dating we have a child together  it just changes everything. I think if you really love someone your not able to do that.

My questions are
1.) How do I know if what we have is really true love. I mean I thought we loved each other but for him to have sex with someone after just a week feels like its just lust.

2.) Is it wrong for him just to say that he is going to become a better person just to be with me again'? He said hes going to go to church, and read his bible more but is that like cheating? or does it count? hes basically saying that If i don't take him back hes not going to go to church. (the church that I go to)

3.) I tried to talk to a friend who is old catholic and she told me that If I found someone else that would be the same as adultery because we have a connection together, but were not married so I don't understand how that works.

Answer
Tanisha-

Thanks for the update.  I'm glad to see that things are a little better.

Only time will tell you if it is true love.  There's no real way to tell, just that you "know".  The sex he had with the other girl is obviously just lust, but since you had broken up, you can't really hold that against him.  If you're not willing to forgive him for that, you'll not ever truly get back together.

I believe that any way you can get someone to act better is valid, i.e., the end does justify the means.  It's not a game, and whether or not "it counts" is not the issue.  The issue is that he said that he's willing to do most anything to get you back.  If church is in that mix, then be happy he's going to church regardless of the reason.  Maybe some "good" will rib off on him.

As for the adultery comment, the strict Catholic interpretation is that since you had sex with him, he is your husband, and if you were to have sex with anyone else ever, it would be adultery.  I don't believe that.  My interpretation of adultery is having sex with someone other than your spouse while you are still married is adultery.  There are a lot of good reasons for divorce, but the important thing is not to take marriage lightly - make sure you know you're going to spend the rest of your life with that person.


Tanisha - take it slowly with your ex.  Don't jump back into bed with him.  If he's willing to go to church with you and willing to share the burden of raising a child without the promise of sex, then I'd say he's a keeper.  If all he's trying to do is get back in bed with you, then dump him.  Tell him that you'll try to work on your relationship with him, but absolutely no sex.  If he's willing to try that, then great.  But if he says sex is that important, I'd consider him to be only out for one thing.

Good luck, and pleasae writ back in 30 days.

hugs,
carl