Expert: Carl Fuglein - 2/5/2008

Question
* I was very specific on mine. Thank you for having this service*

Is it allright to be pleased sexually before marriage?

I ask this because,

I think it's kind of weird the Bible said nothing about private masturbation, mutual masturbation, and other forms of relieving sexual tension before marriage (that aren't sex).

The only 3 things we can use against them, is when they become foreplay, addiction and lust.

Pre-marital foreplay is a problem, because it prepare's for your body to have sex when it's not ready. Also, desiring "pre"-marital sex is a sin. But foreplay, is a determined by mindset. For example, kissing can be foreplay for a couple, does that mean kissing is wrong? No. Tickling can be foreplay for a couple, does that mean tickling is wrong? No, but it is wrong if an unmarried couple is using it as a way to feel or desire having pre-marital sex. Masturbation with yourself, without lust, is simply for the reason of calming your sexual tension. Mutual masturbation, without lust, can simply be for the reason of calming each others sexual tension. It doesn't always have to be foreplay, some do it with their friends so the sexual attraction is not present. Actually, mutual
masturbation, without lust, is less selfish than private.

It's a contradiction when people say mutual is wrong and private is right. People say private is right because you only affect yourself. That's like saying kissing is wrong, because the other person MIGHT lust. If there is a probability to do it without lusting, it's exactly like masturbation. Because the Bible is silent about both and they can be justified the same.

It's either we should save releasing sexual tension for it's purpose (marriage) or be open to other forms of it. The arguments we use for masturbation, works well with justifying other forms of releasing sexual tension. Because NONE are spoken against clearly in the Bible. Christians that support masturbation are forgetting this.

So, this is why I ask, Is it allright to be pleased sexually before marriage? That is the core of the problem.

I am 14.

Answer
Jasmine-

It seems to me that you answered your question before you asked it.  You make some very valid points, but I disagree with some of your thinking.

The simple, direct, answer to your question is that it is NOT okay to be sexually pleased before marriage.  But that leads to the question, what, exactly, IS sexually pleased?  You obviously understand more than the typical 14 year old.  So you must understand that this is not a simple black or white, yes or no, this is a sin and that is not, type of question.  I get asked a question like yours all the time - the question is normally asked as "how far is too far?"  But the REAL question is, "What is sex?"  Some people think kissing is sex.  Some people think oral sex or anal sex is NOT sex. Some people think being naked together is okay, others think it is a big no no. Some people, maybe like yourself, think touching and stimulating one another is not really sex.  Others, like myself, think it is.

Jasmine, there is no line.  No one can definitively say where the line is.  But most experts agree that ANY genital contact constitutes sex.  If you buy into that (and I do), then mutual masturbation would be wrong.

I think that God gave us sex and sexual feelings as a gift, and I think that gift should not be opened until you are married.  I think this because sex and sexual intimacy is about far more than a physical act, far more than just an orgasm or, as you put it, "being sexually pleased."  Sex and orgasm as a purely physical act is not that much different than getting high on alcohol or pot or other drugs, legal or illegal.  It just makes you feel good.  But the spiritual aspect of sex is deeper, more meaningful, and closer to what God intended.  The Bible talks about the church as being the bride of Christ.  If all that meant was sex, that would be pretty weird, don't you think?  It means so much more - mainly the spiritual & emotional intimacy of a married couple, which is closer to the love that God wants us to enjoy with him.  The complexity of sex is probably best described by the Greek language - Greek has 3 words for love: Eros, sexual love; filios, brotherly love; and agapos, or agape, spiritual love or the love of God.  True sexual intimacy between a man and a woman comprises all 3.  The physical act of sex outside of marriage experiences only eros.

You're absolutely correct - the Bible does not mention masturbation or mutual masturbation.  Is that a reason why we should?  I don't think so.  I think the Bible is clear about adultery, as even the adultery of the heart, lust, is clearly described as a sin.  Masturbation without lust is difficult, but not impossible - but then again, without the lust, it becomes merely eros and "feeling good".

Because I've been asked this question so frequently, I've written an essay about it which I will include at the end of this answer.  As for you, I think you need to rethink your position a little - I think kissing is fine, but mutual masturbation is way over that mythical line.  When you become a couple, you need to determine between the two of you where that line is, and don't cross it to maintain sexual purity.  When your body starts getting ready physically for sex- i.e., an erection for a guy, getting "wet" for a girl, then you've probably gone too far.  Save something for marriage - you won't regret it.

I hope this, and the essay below, assist you in answering your question.  Please let me know, and don't hesitate to write again with more questions.  Please take the time to rate my answer.

hugs (in a non-erotic fashion only),

Carl
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How Far is Too Far?

By Carl Fuglein
Do you remember the first time you rode a roller coaster?  What emotions went through your mind?  Maybe fear and excitement.  As you got onto the ride, your heart started pumping faster and faster.  The seatbelt was fastened and the bar was lowered.  The ride started and you realized that you were committed to this experience.  As you went up the first hill, you became even more excited and more scared.  Maybe you screamed, "Let me off this ride!" because you lost your nerve. Too late.  You hit the top of the first hill and think, "Omigosh, I'm gonna die!”  Then you rush down that first hill and think, "Wow, what a rush!  That wasn't so bad; in fact, it was kind of fun."  There you go--up and down all the hills.
And when the ride’s over, you want to find a bigger, faster, scarier roller coaster.  Maybe even one that turns you upside down.  If you're like me, you just can't stop riding roller coasters.  You figure out that you're not going to die and that you like the feeling of exhilaration it gives you.  You will find that the first roller coaster just won’t feel the same, once you’re ridden on that bigger, faster, scarier coaster.  Having sex for the first time is a lot like riding a roller coaster—the anticipation, the fear, the expectations, and the feeling that you could die.  However, one you make it through the first time ago, you’re ready to do it again and again and again. You want bigger, higher, faster, and scarier sex just to get the adrenaline rush you felt the first time you gave your virginity away.  Except when you have sex, you give pieces of yourself away—some of your emotions, some of your heart, and some of the purity that God gave you.   
God gave us the beautiful gift of sex.  He intended it to be used for creating intimacy between a husband and wife as well as for procreation.  (See Gen. 2:21-23, 3:16, and 4:1)  Instead, humans have exploited sex by committing adultery, which includes pre-marital and extra-marital sex, (Exodus 20:14) and even thinking about committing adultery.  (Exodus 20:17)  But what constitutes sex?  This is the actual question that you are asking when you ask “How far is too far?”
There are many reasons why you may be asking this question.  One, you're looking for someone to give you a specific limit.  Two, you're looking for permission to do certain "things" without feeling guilt.  Third, you really don’t know what, in God's eyes, constitutes sex.  Look up these words in the dictionary:  sex; sexual intercourse; coitus.  Still not very clear, is it?  In my dictionary, sexual intercourse has two definitions - one is coitus, the other is "sexual union involving genital contact, but without penile penetration".  But human sexuality is not just physical; it’s also an intellectual, social, ethical and spiritual act with social consequences.

Human sexuality is complex.  It’s been said that women have sex to get love while men give love to get sex.  A commodity traded between two individuals who are using each other as a means to an end.  Women are turned on by emotional intimacy, while men are more aroused by a woman’s appearance.   Does that mean a woman should refrain from intimacy on all levels?  Should a man never look at a woman? It's all part of the human sexuality "dance" leading to sexual union. Humans do all sorts of strange things prior to having sex. When you're older and in a committed marriage relationship, merely "talking" and "cuddling" can constitute sex or foreplay.

So, we come back to the question again, what is sex?  A couple’s physical relationship might go like this.  
1. He sees a pretty girl or she sees a cute guy.  She smiles at him, he smiles at her.
2. They talk, nervously. They both laugh.
3. She tells a friend to tell a friend to tell him that she likes him.
4. He tells a friend to tell a friend to tell her that he likes her back.
5. They talk some more.
6. They go to the library to "study".
7. On the way home, they hold hands.
8. They go out on their first "date".
9. They hold hands, and at the door when he drops her off, he gives her a hug, and maybe even kisses her, once, quickly.
10. They go out again, and maybe kiss twice or nibble on one another’s ear.
11. After they've been going out for a while, they “experiment”, and French kiss.
12. Wow, that was fun, what's next?  Lying down on a couch perhaps, but "just kissing".
13. While still fully clothed, but lying on a bed, he touches her and she touches him.
14. Step 14 is the same as 13, only with buttons unbuttoned and zippers unzipped.
15. Ditto, only maybe without some clothes
16. Ditto again, only with no clothes.  
17. Mutual masturbation. (this might start occurring in step 13)
18. Oral sex. (Could happen as early as step 15)
19.  Protected sexual intercourse.
20.  Unprotected sexual intercourse.

So, at which step is a sin committed?  What is the definition of sex?  Where does being friends end and “sex” begin?  The difference between 1 and 2 is tiny.  The difference between steps 9 and 10 is tiny.  The difference between steps 17 and 18 is tiny.  The difference between steps 1 and 20 is huge.  A couple must consider the step that they together think is a sin, and agree upon it. Pretend that step is a cliff.  If you go that far, you're going to fall off the cliff. Every step after that one will be tiny; but hey, it doesn't matter, because you already fell off the cliff.   

Where should a couple place their cliff?  That's pretty much up to them based on their experience and their morals.  Ninety percent of adults, if they're honest, will tell you that sex is downright fun.  But there is a LOT more to sex than just the physical part.  Sex inside marriage is guilt free.  Outside marriage, it's guilt laden.  Remember that everything you do, along with everyone you do it with, will be in your mind on your wedding night.  If you truly love your bride or groom, wouldn't you want to wait to give it all to them instead of only part of you?  Going all the way will give you emotional baggage that will be extremely hard to empty when you get married, especially if one partner is a virgin, and the other isn't.

Unfortunately, the Bible does not directly mention French kissing; it doesn't mention oral sex.  Any genital contact, even with clothes on is sex.  Most clinical definitions of sex are just that – any genital contact constitutes sex.  Anything that could lead to the act of making a baby outside of marriage could be a sin. Let me explain, if a step would prepare your body for the act of intercourse, (specifically, causing the male to have an erection or the female’s vagina to become wet) it probably should be considered a sin.  For most people, that point would be step 11, French kissing.  For some, it might not happen until step 12 or 13, for others it might start as early as 9 or 10.  Once you get to that point, i.e., real sexual arousal, any labels become meaningless and it becomes more and more difficult to stop – remember those raging hormones. And if you've already stepped off the cliff, don't despair.   

There is grace - God loves you and will forgive you.  But you must try very hard not to go there again.  Trust me, there is so much more to marriage than sex.  Sure, sex is great, but being married to your best friend, even without sex, is better.

Finally, consider this.  Pledge to not have sex until marriage.  Write it down.  Sign it. Something like this on an index card:   

“On __________, 2008, I made a pledge to myself and before God to not have sex until my wedding night.  Here’s my signature to prove it.  This card is my wedding gift to you.”

Put that card in your wallet and carry it with you.  Let it get crumpled and bent and worn out.  And on your wedding night, pull it out of your wallet and hand it to your husband or wife.  It’ll be the best present you will ever give your spouse.


Links:

http://www.intervarsity.org/studentsoul/item/why-wait

http://www.unification.net/tfv/tenreasons.html