Expert: Jaycie - 2/22/2008

Question
Hello My name is Joyce and I am a 40 yr old mom desperately in need of some input and guidence..GOD help me

I was having a sit down talk with my 15 yr old daughter about rules and feelings and she ended up telling me she actually has already had sex with the boy. Not in My House or His. In the Hallway where we live. I was very dumbfounded cause she said she was saving herself for Marriage, and I took her word for it. I told her I know all about 15 yr old girls & boys hormones and being in love and she goes on to tell me she is in Love and will Marry this boy eventually. I expressed I was kinda disappointed in her and that I would prefer she didn't do it anymore and that there will be little to no chance because I would make every effort to make sure she wasn't left alone again with the boy. She said if I broke it
off or try to stop them from seeing each other she would be deeply depressed and hate me. I mean I don't know how this happened , she is allways monitored. She says it was her first time, but she said she didn't bleed ( i thought you bleed some when you lose your virginity, i did ) she wasn't scared and she seems really Ok about it. Now what do I do ? She's gonna be 16 yrs in October.If I don't break them up, things could escalate and if I break them up its gonna turn into a ugly war. Her real dad doesn't even know and she asked me not to tell him. And should I call the Boys parents and talk to them about this ? or will it make things worse? I know if I don't handle this with care , she will never confide in me again.
Please help me,what should I do with this ?

Thank you & God Bless

Answer
Hello Joyce,
This had to be a shock to you. I know that if I told my parents something like this, they would go crazy. I am so sorry that this happened to you.

First of all, you are right. Don't be too harsh at first. She needs to think that you aren't going to go insane because she told you this. Be happy that you were told. I know way too many cases where the parents don't find out until they are grandparents.

But you also have a right to what she does. In some places there are laws that say that you can't have sex until you are a certain age. Look into that. If you really are desperate, get a restraining order put on the guy.

I'm going to let you in on a secret of teens, we can do almost anything without getting caught. Watching her 24/7 might help but there's always a way to get what you want. It might be the very hard way but there's a way.

When girls lose their virginity, they don't always bleed. It totally depends on how ready/relaxed she is and how rough the guy is. They might have planned the whole thing out too so they were ready. If she seems okay with it, I think they had planned it. This didn't just happen on a whim.

You can talk to the boy's parents and see what they have to say but they are in the same spot you are in. You might be able to work out a plan with his parents to keep this from happening again if it is what you both want.

Try talking to her more. Find out as much as you can about what happened and why she did it. Give her the talk. I don't mean the "this is where babies come from" talk. I mean the "this is what happens when you have sex" talk. Really tell her how it is. I can't really help you with this because I am a virgin but you know what goes on. Tell her everything.

Be honest with her and she will tell you things. Eventually she will be able to find that this was a mistake. Most of the time people don't even associate with people after high school so I don't think she will marry this kid. If you want, you can have her write to me and I can talk to her as a friend and not as a parent. Sometimes teens hide things from parents because they don't believe that you have gone through the same things but she might tell me things and maybe in more detail. I would be happy to do that for you.

Just be calm when you talk to her. She needs to know that you love her and that you aren't mad even if you are.