Expert: Carl Fuglein - 2/22/2008

Question
I was having a sit down talk with my 15 yr old daughter about rules and feelings and she ended up telling me she actually has already had sex with the boy. Not in My House or His. In the Hallway where we live. I was very dumbfounded cause she said she was saving herself for Marriage, and I took her word for it. I told her I know all about 15 yr old girls & boys hormones and being in love and she goes on to tell me she is in Love and will Marry this boy eventually. I expressed I was kinda disappointed in her and that I would prefer she didn't do it anymore and that there will be little to no chance because I would make every effort to make sure she wasn't left alone again with the boy. She said if I broke it
off or try to stop them from seeing each other she would be deeply depressed and hate me. I mean I don't know how this happened , she is allways monitored. She says it was her first time, but she said she didn't bleed ( i thought you bleed some when you lose your virginity, i did ) she wasn't scared and she seems really Ok about it. Now what do I do ? She's gonna be 16 yrs in October.If I don't break them up, things could escalate and if I break them up its gonna turn into a ugly war. Her real dad doesn't even know and she asked me not to tell him. And should I call the Boys parents and talk to them about this ? or will it make things worse? I know if I don't handle this with care , she will never confide in me again.
Please help me,what should I do with this ?

Thank you & God Bless

Answer
Hi Joyce-

I promised you a longer answer.  After pondering this for a couple days, not having had this conversation with anyone but my daughter (which is actually quite amazing since I really do have 30 years of youth ministry experience), I realized that I don’t have THE answer, but I do have a lot of thoughts as to cause and effect, and possible solutions for you to pursue.  You have to pick and choose what's right for you.  I hope my thoughts are helpful.

Looking back on the conversation I had with my daughter 20 years ago, I don’t think I’d change a thing.  I’d listen and try to determine what were her reasons for having sex, and address them, while at the same time trying to reach a middle ground and a goal that we both could be happy with.  I’m not sure we did that, but we should have.

Be happy that she talked to you, and continue to build on that.  And remember that this is not just about sex, it’s about a broken trust and concerns about risky behavior.

No, she can't get her virginity back, but she can start over fresh.  But understand this – if she doesn’t see any reasons to NOT continue having sex, all the “Don’t do it because I said so” just isn’t going to work.  When we teach sex education in our youth group, we take the approach of informing the teens what happens when you have sex.  Without being judgmental, you have to do that now.  Talk about STD’s that are mostly painful for the girl and some are deadly.  Talk about the emotional fact that you can’t give your sexuality away but once.  Talk about her body, although she thinks it is ready for sex, it’s not really, and early and frequent sexual activity raises her chances for cervical cancer.  Talk to her about holiness and how God gave her the gift of her sexuality, but only to share with a husband.  Talk to her about self respect, especially for her body – it belongs to her, not you, not her boyfriend.  Just be frank and tell her what emotional baggage she may carry for the rest of her life, especially if she never marries this boy.  And remind her that the odds of a freshman romance ending in marriage are slim to none, but the odds of pregnancy are a lot higher than that.  Tell her about pregnancy and how it affected you.  Tell her how much attention her baby will need and that her chances of finishing school are nil if she gets pregnant.  Tell her how hard it is to raise a child with two parents, much less one.  Tell her that condoms are only 85% effective with common teen usage, in that they don’t really know how to use them effectively.  And after you tell her all that, realize that the motivation to not be sexually active has to come from her, not you.  If she decides that she still wants to have sex despite what you said, she will find an opportunity.

What type of second chance/"do over" are we talking about?  Is it just your goal, or hers, too?  What are going to be the standards of both her behavior and yours. How will each of you know the other is keeping them?  It will be a lot easier if your daughter really wants to make a decision to live a holy life.  If she doesn't see the value in that, then I think you are going to be beating your head against a brick wall for the next several years until your daughter moves out on her own or you learns to accept that your daughter has chosen a different life style for her than what you would have wanted.

What you have is a situation where you are trying to assert your power from a postion something like, "Well, I'm your mom and you have to listen to what I say."  and your daughter responds out of the power that she has, "Well, it's my body not yours and you can't tell me what I get to do with it."  The conversation after that doesn't get any prettier.  This is why the discussion you have with her, laying out the facts of the emotional, spiritual, and physical consequences of having sex so early is so important.  You cannot just snap your fingers and say “because I said so” – as much as we want it to, it won’t work with teenagers.  We need to convict them of the reasons why, and guide their decisions to be what we desire.

It’s not going to be easy, but you’re going to have to start where you are, not where you want your daughter to be. If your daughter isn't interested in pursuing holiness as a part of her lifestyle, then no amount of saying "these are our expectations" on your part stands a chance of making any difference.  And even if holiness and religion is not going to play a part, she still needs to make the decision that NOT having sex is preferable to HAVING sex, based on whatever reason she can think of.

If, on the other hand, she actually cares about the things of God and desires to please Him (because it appears she has no desire to please you), then she has to ask herself if her present behaviors conform or not to what God would choose for her?  

God made us man to complement women, and vice versa.  If her sex act was more than just physical, she probably had at least an inkling of emotional and spiritual feelings as well

Is she ready to give herself so completely to someone, to become one with someone to such an extent that she loses her own identity in the process of creating a new couple and ultimately a child?  Is her boyfriend ready?  If both really are, then why wait for marriage?  Yes, I know you don’t want this.  Neither do I for them.  But if you can say this with a straight face, my guess is that your daughter will say “No way, not yet.”  If one isn't ready for that, then one isn't ready for sharing the type of intimacy that has that as a result.  Because it isn't just for a moment, but forever you have given a part of yourself to another, so much so that the Bible talks of this as becoming one flesh, i.e. one person.

If she wishes to be treated as an adult, not a child, then she needs to behave in a manner which you feel is both dependable and trustworthy.  She needs to re-earn the trust level you had with her before, and it’s about more than sex.  It is about every other assumption that you made as to what you could expect or trust her to do in a given situation.  With that trust broken, you may feel like going back to the days of infancy when you was always there just in case.  But that doesn’t work, and shouldn’t work, with a teenager.  They need to learn to act responsibly on their own.  Hopefully it won't take 16 years to get back to the present level, but it isn't going to pass in 16 minutes, 16 hours, 16 days, not even likely 16 weeks.  Broken trust, whatever the reason, is a big thing.


I’m going to suggest that you try role-playing – you become her, and she becomes you.  Really get into it, and think of all the reasons why she wants to have sex, and tell her that if she wants to act like an adult, that she needs to think of all the reasons why you DON’T want her to have sex and to behave responsibily.


Should you tell the other parents?  Absolutely, but  I think the boy needs to have the chance to tell his own parents for himself.  I would tell your daughter that because having sex outside of marriage qualifies as risky behavior (I'm assuming they either didn't talk about it or simply took each other's word on not having STDs) and that as a responsible parent you need to let another parent know when you have knowledge that his/her minor child is engaged in risky behavior.  But give the boy 48 hours to find his own way to share that with his parents before you mention anything.  But you can't just say nothing.


One thing that we haven’t talked about is her dad.  I think you need to take the same approach with her dad – give her the opportunity to tell him in her own way, and that you will tell him or be with her when she does.  Give her 48 hours.  She’ll resist, but her dad needs to know (both her step-dad and biological dad).

Teenagers are dealing with questions of who I am, what type of relationships, character and I going to have as an adult?  They don't know that they are dealing with these things, but they are searching for their identity, there sense of self, it is a wholistic issue, it isn't just about sex, it is about the whole package of their lives.  So, is she trying to isolate this sexual experience as just something that stands on its own, that doesn't matter and effect who she is?  Where did she learn to compartmentalize her life?  Or is she seeking to become an adult, no longer be a child pressed down by you, her controlling mother?  Is she just acting out as she seeks her own identity?  Or, is she emotionally spent, starving for relationships and her was some young man that she liked who was willing to offer her love in exchange for sex?  And where did she learn that such bargining was worth doing?  Boys will offer love to get sex, girls will offer sex to get love.  It’s possible that the reason she did this was because she felt unloved by her dad.

I know some time has passed, and you’ve probably both calmed down some.  With that in mind, you need to start having long and frequent talks with each other about what your goals are for yourself and for each other.  You have to reach compromise.  There are some issues that are worth fighting for, but you, as the adult, need to make the decision as a parent as to what your non-negotiables are.  Unfortunately, you may say that having sex is one of them, but if she’s not convinced of the consequences, she’ll find a way to have sex anyway, that’s just what happens with teens.

Ending on a positive note, be thankful that she told you.  Far too many teens don’t.  That gives you an opportunity to be a parent and impart your wisdom.  And be aware of a statistic that too many parents are unaware of – the single biggest influence on a teenager is their parents:  it’s not their peers, not their teachers, not the media, not their youth ministers.

Please take the time to rate my answer, and please write back to me in 30 days and let me know how things are going, I care about you, your daughter and all teenagers.

Blessings,

Carl