Expert: Daniel Kimbril Date: 3/25/2008 Subject: Help I have a way too Overprotective mama
Question QUESTION: My mother has always been very overprotective of me. You would figure that as I got older she would realize that I am an adult and she would let go, but instead she continues to see me as a teen in need of her guidance. No matter what I do or say she refuses to loosen her grip. Her overprotectiveness has kept me from experiencing things and knowing how to do things other ppl my age or even younger know how to do. For example I do not know how to swim to this day because she said the people at the recreational center where free lessons were being held might let me drown. I was never allowed to host or attend slumber party bc I might be molested if I go to one and our house was too old looking to host one. I do not know how to drive on the interstate because she wont teach me how because she said the best way to learn is to drive your own car because its how she learned (wouldn’t it be safer if she just taught me I could die learning on my own but whatever). I was not allowed to date even at 18 (she didn’t like my bf at the time and yes he was an ass but that helped me learn so now I can tell when a guy is trying to put one over on me) one day I just got fed up with her telling me I couldn’t go out with him so I just left(again 18 so I was an adult mostly lol). She would smell my hands and breath to see if I had been smoking (pot or cigarettes) all the time even tho she had no reason to suspect drug use. I was never allowed to join after school clubs and once when I asked her could I join the Spanish club she asked if I was just joining to sneak off and have sex (yes I’m not kidding) again she had no reason to think that I was using drugs. I was also not allowed over to friend’s houses and rarely ever was allowed to have friends over.
A more recent example of her over protectiveness is this spring break my friend Kayla wanted to visit mutual friends of our catelyn and lily. It was to be a 3 day trip and we would be back in time for school. My mother refused to allow me to go because she said something might happen to me and Kayla Florida is dangerous. Now I could see her saying this to her 16 maybe her 18 yr old daughter but I am in my mid 20s. She is under the impression that I am naive and am unable to take care of myself and to be cautious of my surroundings. That could be farther from the truth. I am a college senior (transferring from one school to another messes you up lol) who during the year lives on campus. While away at school I have to make these same decisions (how late to stay out, what to make to eat, whether not the party being thrown is in a safe environment) in fact I have been making these choices since I started college. My point is I am not a child anymore I'm in my mid 20s about to graduate from college with a BS in psychology so obviously I have made and continue to make good choices about my life. She needs to realize that our relationship has to change I’m not 15 yrs old anymore she should continue to treat me like a child constantly telling me what to do. I live with her when im not at school and I am a struggling college student who cannot afford to move out so that is not an option at this time. She says that as long as live with her that she’s responsible for me and what I do. My question is how do I get her to see that I am a responsible adult capable of making good decisions and that she can relax because she raised a good daughter?
ANSWER: Kia, Parents get over protective because they are scared. It is called E.N.S.. Empty nest syndrome. They are afraid of being left alone. I had to ask my parents this question, Did you train me right? Then I responded to their answer with the please trust your training. Over protection is hard on kids but so is under-production. Yes there is a balance but trying to find that balance is difficult and is sometimes a "hit or miss" ordeal. When you get to be a parent you will understand more of what I'm talking about. You are asking your mom your not be so hard on you try your best to remember not to be so hard on her. Secondly if you are having so much trouble at save up to move out. To answer the last question. Take 10% out of every pay check and invest it into a money market account. As you show her your smart planning for the future that might help her ease up. Second get an organizer and leave it open one day showing times and events including times like "bedtime @ 10:00 PM" (or whatever time you set) That way she will see that you are actually being responsible. Hopefully this all helps you out girl.
Daniel
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QUESTION: Thats the issue i am unable to move until i graduate in may (god willing) then i do plan on moving as soon as possible ( im tired of being told i have to clean the kitchen SHE messed up bc i "i live here too" even tho i actually live in my college apt most of the yr but whatever)my question was how to make things more pleasent until i can move permantly.
Answer The only other way that you can do it is to sit down with her and tell her how you feel. Explain to her that you feel that she is doing what she is doing. At no time do you need to raise your voice or get heated as that will complicate things. All you can do at this point is be open. If nothing happens then there is nothing else you can do except just do it and act like nothing is wrong, because you can't "make" her do anything nor treat you any different. I wish you all the best.
