Expert: Carl Fuglein - 3/24/2008

Question
QUESTION: My mother has always been very overprotective of me. You would figure that as I got older she would realize that I am an adult and she would let go, but instead she continues to see me as a teen  in need of her  guidance.  No matter what I do or say she refuses to loosen her grip. Her overprotectiveness has  kept me from experiencing things and knowing how to do things other ppl my age or even younger know how to do. For example I do not know how to swim to this day because she said the people at the recreational center where free lessons were being held might let me drown. I was never allowed to host or attend   slumber party bc I might be molested if I go to one and our house was too old looking to host one. I do not know how to drive on the interstate because she wont teach me how because she said the best way to learn is to drive your own car because its how she learned (wouldn’t it be safer if she just taught me I could die learning on my own but whatever). I was not allowed to date even at 18 (she didn’t like my bf at the time and yes he was an ass but that helped me learn so now I can tell when a guy is trying to put one over on me) one day I just got fed up with her telling me I couldn’t go out with him so I just left(again 18 so I was an adult mostly lol). She would smell my hands and breath to see if I had been smoking (pot or cigarettes) all the time even tho she had no reason to suspect drug use. I was never allowed to join after school clubs and once when I asked her could I join the Spanish club she asked if I was just joining to sneak off and have sex (yes I’m not kidding) again she had no reason to think that I was using drugs. I was also not allowed over to friend’s houses and rarely ever was allowed to have friends over.
A more recent example of her over protectiveness is this spring break my friend Kayla wanted to visit mutual friends of our catelyn and lily. It was to be a 3 day trip and we would be back in time for school. My mother refused to allow me to go because she said something might happen to me and Kayla Florida is dangerous. Now I could see her saying this to her 16 maybe her 18 yr old daughter but I am in my mid 20s. She is under the impression that I am naive and am unable to take care of myself and to be cautious of my surroundings. That could be farther from the truth. I am a college senior (transferring from one school to another messes you up lol) who during the year lives on campus. While away at school I have to make these same decisions (how late to stay out, what to make to eat, whether not the party being thrown is in a safe environment) in fact I have been making these choices since I started college. My point is I am not a child anymore I'm in my mid 20s about to graduate from college with a BS in psychology so obviously I have made and continue to make good choices about my life. She needs to realize that our relationship has to change I’m not 15 yrs old anymore she should continue to treat me like a child constantly telling me what to do. I live with her when im not at school and I am a struggling college student who cannot afford to move out  so that is not an option at this time. She says that as long as live with her  that she’s responsible for me and what I do. My question is how do I get her to see that I am a responsible adult capable of making good decisions and that she can relax because she raised a good daughter?
     


ANSWER: Hi Kia-

Unfortunately, I don't think you're going to get your mother to change, ever.  Use some of your education to try to figure her out, and you'll probably see some of her problems.  My guess is that her childhood was one of two things - either 1) her mother was overprotective, too and she doesn't know how to act differently, or 2) her mother paid no attention to her and she got in a lot of troubling situations.  In any event, no matter what the cause of her overbearing attitude is, you're not going to change her.

So, the bottom line is, if you can't change her, you have to change yourself.  You either have to deal with it, or do anything and everything possible to move out on your own.  Contrary to popular opinion, you CAN make it on your own.  It's not easy, but it can be done.  As long as you're living at home, your mom is going to have her thumb on you.  When you become independent and live on your own is going to be when she realizes that you've grown up. It's not going to happen until then.

One other thing you need to look at - with your psychology degree, you should know what co-dependence is - it's possible that you allow your mom some of her overprotectiveness because you want it - that may be the reason why you haven't moved out.  The freedom you have at college should have convinced you that moving out will set you free.

I pray that you can find a way to move out.  If not, you're just going to have to live with it, and be prepared to take care of your mom for the rest of your life.

hope this helps,
carl


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I am unable to move out until  graduate (hopefully in about 2 months yahhhh :)  ) then i plan on moving out ....i assure you i am not co dependent i have always wanted independence but when ever id try (joining a club) id get shut down and its kinda hard 4 a 16 yr old to move out....when i got to college i did realize i needed to move out but can you tell could you afford to move out with no job (a part time minimum wage job doesnt exactly pay the bills id b moved back in with in a month)or a car to get to the job or an apt set up to live. I have to graduate to get a car( graduation present) so i can get to my job (any job lol) ? Trust me id rather be a stripper to make ends meet rather than to live with her for the rest of my life lol.

Answer
Well, I'd highly recommend you NOT go the stripper route.  Just be patient, graduate, get your car, get a job and move out.  Hopefully mom will then realize what she's missed by being so over-protective, because you won't be so willing to come back to visit.

Good luck.

hugs,
carl