Expert: Pastor Don Carpenter - 3/4/2008

Question
First off thank you for listening to my problems, or just my conserns. I was wondering if you could just give your advice, and if it's coming out of the bible then I know it's something I can confort in.
I've been with my boyfriend for three years now, I love him dearly and we talk of getting married and plan on it as soon as we both feel we are ready for that step. He is a member of his church, that hes attended since he was 5, and comes from a family that goes on a regular basis. I attended church when I was younger and my family made the choice to quit attending that church for whatever reasons, with the intention to find another church to attend, but has not, we are all saved and try to live our lives right and read our bibles and watch preaching on tv every wen. and sun. I have got used to that, so much so that im comfy with not attending a church. With that said, I do wish to find a church i could attend that I feel as if is the Right church for me and stands up for what i believe in. It's something I do wish to have in my future, and with my family and something i wish to give to my children one day also. The thing is, I attended my boyfriends church for about 7 months and there's nothing wrong with his church as far as what they believe and preach, but i just feel as if it's not the church for me, the type of preaching yelling, ect. i feel as if he in a way talks about ppl, even if thats not what he intends by it. I dont feel very welcomed there, or that ppl that dont go to church all the time cant be saved. I personally dont feel this way, cause I know better. You can feel God in this church, but even with that said it's just not my first choice of churches, I went at the time cause I dont drive and i do want to attend a church and that was the only choice I had. The thing is, my boyfriend has attended this church since he was 5, and loves it there, he says he feels as if God makes one right person for you in this world and that he truly feels that gods made me for him, but at the same time he feels like God has put him into this church for a reason and that this is where he belongs at least until other wized told. That you aren't suppose to marry someone that is un equaly yoked then you. He doesnt know what he's suppose to do if he feels this way but yet I dont feel as if this church is right for me? Am I suppose to attend this church even if I feel this way. I really dont know, Maybe Im not suppose to marry this man, i dont know.... this is the first time ive ever second thought it. I just dont know what to do.

Answer
Hi Amanda,

Thank you for this great question.  I am sorry for my late response.  I have been very sick for a week, I am just now feeling a bit better.  

Let me start by giving you some general principles then some specific truths.

1.  Jesus Christ established the local church.  The New Testament Christian is not complete without it.

Matthew 16:18
18 And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.  
The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

Church= "called out assembly".  Jesus built the first local assembly of baptized believers.  This was His plan for people once they were saved.  We find that in Jerusalem on the Day of Pentecost, when folks were saved, they immediatly were baptized and joined the church.

Acts 2:41
41 Then they that gladly received his word were baptized: and the same day there were added unto them about three thousand souls.

The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

THis is not a requirement for salvation, but it is a good evidence that true salvation has taken place.  Remember, one of the first things that a believer experiences after salvation is a love for the brethren.

1 John 3:14
14 We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren. He that loveth not his brother abideth in death.
The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

It is basic New Testament Christianity to fellowship with the assembly of the Believers.  To not do that is to be saved, yes, but to be out of the will of God.

3.  Church is for more than preaching and praying.  You can hear preaching on TV... you can pray at home.  You had better be reading the Bible everyday... yes you can do all these things at home, but you cannot ASSEMBLE with believers without being in the ASSEMBLY, the local church.

Hebrews 10:24-25
24 And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: 25 Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.
The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

This is a command!  Do not forsake the assembling!


Please pardon my preaching, it is just that I have seen so many Christians fail to live victorious lives because some petty thing has taken them out of the local church which is the Body of Christ.

OK... now to your situation.  You know you should be in a church.  Your boyfriend's church is doctrinally sound.  You feel called to marry this man.  If you marry this man, you will be bound to follow him to the church he believes God has called him to.  Now you do not FEEL like this is the right church.  The doctrine is fine, the standards are fine, but you think that the preaching is too loud and the people may not have the right motives.  Are you really willing to decide your future mate over preaching styles????  Are you really willing to leave this relationship because you imagine that folks have the wrong motives?  You cannot know the heart!

1 Samuel 16:7
... for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.  
The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

I am sorry, I guess I am preaching too much.  Anyway, think of this.  You are not in church right now, therefore you are not completely in the will of God, therefore you are lacking all the discernment that the Holy Spirit could give.  You are not equipped to make a sane decision about your future until you submit to and embrace church membership and assembly.  Do not do what you feel is right, do what you know from the Bible is right.  Right now you are trusting your heart and your feelings.... bad idea, especially when you are not in complete fellowship with God.

Jeremiah 17:9
9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?
The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

My advice is, if you are really considering marriage, join your future husband's church.  Jump in with both feet!  Get involved in ministry.  Get to know folks.  Don't expect them to serve you, get in and serve others.  I believe that God will then give you both wisdom in your future decisions together.

I hope that this helps you.

In Christ
Pastor Don