Expert: Carl Fuglein - 4/21/2008

Question
QUESTION: I am a teen who has a big problem with trust. I can't seem to trust anybody anymore. I am 19 years old and have been taken advantage of by the people that meant the most to me growing up.  
  When I was only 8 years old, my uncle told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world.  He wanted to get me alone so he could show me how much he loved me.  He led me away from my cousins that I was playing with, and took me into his bedroom and locked the door. He told me that I had to trust him, and that if I did, I would feel really good. He laid me on the bed, told me to close my eyes, relax, and let him make me feel good. I trusted my uncle, even though I had a very nervous feeling in my stomach. He put my skirt up, removed my panties, and performed oral sex on me. The emotions that ran through my head were almost too much for a girl my age to bear. I knew it was wrong, and at the same time was told by my own uncle to trust him. So I did trust him, and I did enjoy the feelings he was giving me. After he finished, he had a big smile on his face. He told me I was such a good girl, and that he would do that to me again, but only if I kept it a secret. I just nodded my head to him, put my bottoms back on, and went back outside to play with my cousins.  My uncle continued as he promised to me, for over a year, everytime he had the chance, he did that to me. I will tell you there is nothing more troubling to figure out what was happening to me, having orgasms at such a young age from someone I trusted so much.  I felt dirty and wonderful at the same time.
  My uncle moved a when I was 9. He never tried anything to me again, even the few times my family visited him. I soon forgot what had happened to me, but that all changed when I was 13 years old.  My family took a trip to Florida for spring break. On the trip back I was laying on the bed in back of the van, sleeping, when my dad pulled over to let my brother drive because he was tired. He laid on the bed with me and I was just about sleeping. I felt my dad's hand on my hips. I was was wearing sweats, and before I knew it he put his hand underneath my pants and was rubbing my vagina. He kept it there for about 10 minutes. I didn't know what to do. I was both scared and embarrassed at the same time. This was my body, I wouldn't even let my dad see me naked, much less touch me. I was just thinking over and over what to do. I didn't want to scream because everybody was sleeping in there chairs, or on the floor. I was afraid of what my mom would say if she found out my dad was touching me. Finally I decided to turn on my back and act like I was waking up, and maybe he would move his hand. So I did that, and my dad moved his hand up a little bid towards my stomach, and then put it right back where it was. I looked at him, and he whispered the same thing my uncle did about 6 years before. "Relax." He kept at it for a while, I just tried to move my mind away from my body. My dad moved down on me and in a van carrying my 5 brothers and sisters, as well as my mom. He  performed oral sex on me. Nobody could see him, there were curtains between the bed and the chairs. I was totally under his control.  All the emotions that I had faced with my uncle came back.  The person I trusted the most in the whole world had molested me. He acted like nothing happened after the trip, but then I woke up a few times in the next 2 years or so to find him down there.
  I have had 3 boyfriends in the past 3 years. I can't seem to keep a relationship because I can't trust people. They want to take the relationship farther. I think they just want to have sex with me and move on. I can't trust any male. My dad and my uncle betrayed me in a way that can't be taken back.  When I see them, I think about what happened. Even though I get along with my dad, I can't trust him anymore. I never will trust him again.  I need to get on with my life, but don't know how that will happen without trust.

ANSWER: Lindsey-

I have a note in my file to contact you - did my advice help?  Did you contact those websites?  Did you seek professional help?  Please write and let me know how and what you're doing.

blessings,
carl




I am so sorry that all this has happened to you.  You should know that you did nothing wrong, your father and uncle are unfortunately predators, and if they did it to you, they most likely did it to your siblings and cousins as well.

Lindsey you took a step of faith and trusted me with your secret.  I wish I could help you more, but I can only do so much in an anonymous email.  What you need is therapy, serious therapy.  At the age of 19, you are an adult, and I pray that you are no longer living at home.  

The first thing you need to do is get some professional assistance with the issue.  I am NOT trained to deal with abuse or rape, other than to refer you to someone who is.  You trusted me, you're going to have to trust someone else.

There are two sites that I'm going to send you to - one secular, one Christian.

Secular site:  http://www.rainn.org/  

This organization has an anonymous chat room hotline (see the link on the right of the home page that says: Get Help.  There's a link just beneath it that says Get Information.  I suggest you go to both these places and talk about it some more.  You're not going to do this on your own, you will need help.  Deal with the sexual abuse at this site.

Christian Site:  http://www.thehopeline.com/  

This site offers several options for short term or long term help, by a variety of methods - chats, emails, or live on the phone.  You can call them at 1-800-394-HOPE - they're open from 7PM to midnight Central Time.  I would discuss mostly your trust issues with them.

Another option is to find a psychologist/psychiatrist who specializes in rape or child abuse.  Check your local yellow pages under Therapists, Psychologists, or Psychiatrists.  You may also look locally for a crisis line - most large cities have them and even if they can't offer long term assistance, they can refer you to someone.

Lindsey, I know it was a HUGE step for you to admit what happened, even to me as a stranger.  It was only the first of several other steps that you're going to have to take.  Just know that God loves you very much and will help you through this situation.  My best advice is to encourage you to trust the websites above and the people you find there.  You're going to need help to get through this, but you WILL get through it.  It's not going to happen overnight, but it will happen.

I will pray for you.  Please take the time to write me again in 30 days and tell me what you've done and how you're doing.  I pray that you will get the help you need.

Blessings,
carl


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Yes I have looked at the websites you offered me. Thanks. I don't know if I should talk with my dad about what he did to me or not. Its not a very easy subject to bring up, yet I may do it, I don't know yet. I have trouble with trusting men, and  really would face to face. This is why I am asking online, and not face to face with a psychologist.  Thanks for your help.

Answer
Lindsey-

I strongly recommend that you spend some time with a psychologist before you talk to your dad.  Try to find a female psychologist, that will work better.  If you don't want to see one face to face, be sure to work with one of those websites (you can ask for a female if a male answers) about the specific issues that might come up when confronting your dad- it will not be pretty - he will probably deny it and try to make you think it didn't happen.  Eventually, you will want to confront him, but I think you have some therapy to work through first, if only on-line with one of those websites.  Just remember that it was not your fault, and also remember that what he did was a crime, and he will probably do it again if you have younger siblings or cousins.

thanks for the update.  Please write again in a few weeks.

carl