Expert: Carl Fuglein - 5/25/2008

Question
I am getting back into bdsm. bondage/discipline, sadism/masochism. It's not the sex I am after, it's the sexual thrill I get when flogging a man. I do nothing with women, only men. Now hear me out before you jump to conclusions please.
I am married, we are separated, he knows what I am doing and says it's not wrong to God, that God looks on the heart. He is not interested in sex. I am not doing this to HAVE sex with anyone and I don't have sex with anyone.

I am into this again to fill a void in my sexual life and to have some control over what is going on in my life at this time. It turns me on. Then I will have sex with my husband when he comes over. Or I will masturbate. Husband is asexual.

I'm really having a problem with finding a definitive answer Biblically on what is sexually immoral. ESPECIALLY when my husband knows what is going on, knows the guy's name, where I am, what I'm doing. I am NOT doing anything against husband's will.

the bottom line is on this is a man wants to not have to control his every move, he wants to give it over to a woman he can trust. A woman takes this power he gives her and does whatever she wants with it. For me, it's flogging, it's telling him to do things he wouldn't otherwise do. Rub my feet, weed the yard nude, stuff like that.

Is this wrong? What tells ME it is wrong, is that it consumes a lot of my time. And that I REALLY like doing this and that nothing should take precedence over God. However, as I've been telling God, this Christian life is NOT fun. There's no excitement in it. This adds a bit of excitement to it without going over the top and having intercourse.

Thank you so much for being here online and having this site .

I sometimes do touch sexual parts of the male. Does this constitute sexual immorality? Everything I have been reading online says sexual immorality is sex. This isn't about sex, it's about controlling a male to do my bidding. It's a mind thing.

Here's an example.
He does not have to be nude. He could be at my home doing chores for me, because he wants to be told what to do. No part of his body would be touched. Is THAT sexually immoral???

This is male domination reversed.

Answer
Hi Java-

Thanks for trusting to me to try to answer your question.  I must admit that I've been doing this for many years, and this is the first question that I recall about bdsm.

I think that you're the one that has to answer the question as to whether or not you're sinning.  Normally I get teens that ask me a question like this:  "is such and such activity a sin?", and I respond that if you think you have to ask for permission or ask if a certain activity is a sin, then you've already answered your question - you seem to think that it's a sin and need confirmation that it's not.  I think the same thing applies in your case - if you think it's a sin, or have to ask if it's a sin, then it probably is.

I'm going to give you another answer that you probably wouldn't expect.  If you were participating in bdsm WITH YOUR HUSBAND, and your husband willingly participates, then I don't think it's a sin.  Weird, maybe, but not a sin.  I understand the reasons behind it, and certainly think that light bondage and fantasies can add a lot to a marriage.  But I think that when you start doing something with other men, then I think that borders on being disrespectful to your husband, especially if the bdsm activity involves nudity or sexual touch.  There is a wide variety of answers of what constitutes sex - you'd be surprised at the number of teens that write me and say that they've never had intercourse but have participated in oral sex and wonder if they're still a virgin.  My standard answer (and the answer of most professionals dealing with sexual behavior) is that sex begins when your body gets prepared for intercourse, and that you've definitely crossed the line when touching of genital organs occurs.  So, in your case, the line might be a little fuzzy - controlling a man or flogging him, in your own words, "turns you on."  That phrase means to me that you're getting wet and aroused.  Is that a sin?  Again, I think it MIGHT be, unless it was with your husband in mind.  And when you start touching a man or making him do stuff in the nude, then that pretty much constitutes sexual activity.  But the choice is yours.  It's obviously not a black and white line.  Some people can french kiss and be aroused in a second, for others, they might not even LIKE to french kiss.  So is a french kiss a sin?  I can't answer that.

I think the answer for you has to be decided by you.  I'm not jumping to conclusions, and I'm not condemning your activity - that's not my job, that belongs to God.  I think what needs to be done in your case is to sit down with your husband and explore the reasons why he's asexual, and the reason why you need to control a situation to get turned on.  You might be surprised if the two of you went to a sexual therapist - you might be able to find a middle ground that's acceptable to you both, while also pleasing to God.  I firmly believe that God wants you to have an active and enjoyable sex life, and that you can determine what that is, so long as you remain with your husband.  That's the big hangup I have with your activity - involving other men, not the activity itself, but doing things that border on sexual immorality with men other than your husband.

I hope I've given you some things to think about.  I have no scriptural answer other than the fact that you are to remain faithful to your husband and not commit adultery.  Adultery from a scriptural point of view is "having sex" with someone other than your spouse.  What scripture does NOT answer for us is what constitutes "having sex" - the Bible condemns same sex activity, and sex with animals, but again, there's no real definition of what "sex" is, so we pretty much have to figure that out ourselves.

Please take the time to rate my answer, and fee free to ask again or continue the conversation.

Blessings,

carl