Expert: Susan Milillo - 9/22/2008

Question
Two of the girls in my youth group dress provocative. It is embarassing and inappropriate. What can I say to them to help them understand that as Christians we are to be modest and not try to be a temptation to the guys in our group.

Answer
Dear Lin,

    That is a wonderful question, and one which people should be asking more often!!  I'm assuming 'Lin' is a female name? (I know in some cultures it could be male) I think it's really important for whoever approaches these girls to be of the same sex, which you probably have already realized.
    I think the most important thing perhaps is for this Biblical principle to be followed: 'Speak the truth in love' --  Ask them how THEY think it might be coming across to the guys.  Some girls really don't realize what they are saying by their dress, so be aware of this.  And of course some DO know full well what they are doing, by how they dress.  Ask, 'What message do you think this is giving the male members of the group?' and then, 'Is this how you want to be portraying yourself?'  'Do you think this is really who you are?' 'Is this who you want to be?'   It's really important to come across yourself in a caring and non-judgmental way.  By all means, go talk to them -- I think ideally to one girl at a time, so she doesn't feel the need to save face in front of her friends. -- But earnestly pray beforehand that your heart is not lifted up in pride that YOU'RE not like that (you know what I mean..? It's all too easy for us girls to do - I think I do often myself - think, 'How could she DRESS like that?') -- 'Consider yourself, lest you also be tempted,...' - Galatians 6 --  and that you truly are going to her in love -- seeking to help her value herself the way God values her -- realizing yourself that she IS worth so much and is so priceless to God.   
And then, remind her that the portrait of beauty described in God's word is not always the same as the allure often valued by the world's system, and true beauty must always be PURE.  Share verses like I Peter 3:4. I think there is much in Proverbs about this too.  For example, compare the woman 'Folly' with the woman 'Wisdom' in the early chapters of Proverbs.
       I couldn't tell from your question, are you a youth leader, or are you a member - a peer, of these girls?      Just either way, 'bathe' this in prayer, and then go, and speak kindly, speak tactfully, and be vulnerable with them, yourself.  None of us is above feeling enticed by the 'sexy' images displayed in the media.    And just a note, of course don't mention if you are aware of any particular individual guys who have been affected.  There would be nothing more awkward than for the girls to know which guys may be 'thinking things' - I'm sure you know what I mean.   
       Get together, one at a time, and make sure you do more listening than talking, and more asking questions than teaching.  Who knows what you could learn yourself about the heart and motives of teen girls 'today'.  It will speak more 'volumes' than you know even for you to be taking the time and showing you really care.  
And trust God, He is using you! Don't be afraid.  'Perfect love casts out fear'. (I John)
           I am praying for you, and please tell me how things go!
Love in Jesus,
SM
p.s. Make sure to keep your thoughts/feelings between yourself and God, don't let yourself be tempted to 'discuss' the issue with others in your group, male or female.  This could only lead to embarrassment for these girls.  The ultimate thing is only that they be led closer to God and Christlike qualities.