Expert: Carl Fuglein - 9/22/2008

Question
I've always loved god and I have always defended him when needed, but I have to admit I do not follow some rules. The rule that is really bothering me is that of fornication. I have sex with my girlfriend and afterwards I feel bad. After the deed I ask god for forgiveness, but there i go again and have sex once more. Right now its been 6 weeks since my last intercourse, but i did masturbate. I told myself i was going to try and stop slowly. I would give it up for a week, then two, then 3, then 4,and so on until my desires fled me, I am thinking at about 2-3 months i would stop completely. I don't know if this is what i should do and even if i come off slowly i feel god will punish me for committing a sin. I really want to know how to stop. My biggest fear is not going to heaven because i had premarital sex. What steps can i take. Are the steps i am taking correct or do i just stop completely, which i think will be harder than what i am currently doing. God knows i have a good heart but i have to show it not just keep it inside.

Answer
Edgar-

The question you're asking I normally get from girls, not guys.  For example, "my boyfriend wants to have sex all the time and I don't and I think it's wrong and feel bad when I do it."

Welcome to reality.  Sex feels good, and it sometimes feels bad, too, especially when it is illicit sex outside marriage.  Once you've become sexually active, it's extremely difficult to stop, but stopping is what I think God wants you to do.  God wants you to remain pure for your future spouse.

So, I have a couple questions for you.  Does your girlfriend enjoy sex, or is she having "bad" feelings about it, too?  If she doesn't want to stop, and you obviously do, then the answer is simply find another girlfriend because you're not compatible - compatibility has to be in every part of your relationship, especially including sex.

So, if your girlfriend wants to stop, too, then the two of you together need to start making some decisions as to "how far" to go before you stop.  And if you've been all the way, all the time, that's going to be a really difficult thing to do, but it can be done.  In order to do so, you need to change your lifestyle - don't put yourself in a position where you can have sex without getting caught.  If either of you lives alone, don't go there; if necessary, don't go there at all.  Spend more time expanding your horizons and find different things to do - go to movies, art museums, the zoo, football games, the gym, join a book club or bridge club.  The secret is to eliminate the things that bring up desire or just being alone together.

Stopping for 2 weeks, then 4, then 6 isn't going to work.  Cold turkey, and truly repenting of your sin with a commitment to not go there again is what you need.   Will God forgive you?  Sure.  Each and every time you ask for forgiveness, but doing the act and thinking to yourself, "oh well, I guess God will just have to forgive me again" doesn't really live up to the purity God wants.  Will it keep you out of heaven?  No, no more than any other sin.  As humans, we just want to sin and continue to do so, but the more mature as a Christian you become, the less will be your desire to sin.  It's an ongoing process, and a LONG process.

I've written an essay about sex, which I've included below.  Read it WITH your girlfriend, then the two of you decide "how far" you can go without it becoming a sin IN YOUR OWN eyes.  You may decide to kiss and nothing more, or maybe more, or maybe even less.  It's your bodies, and you have to make the decision.  When you're done choosing, I serious recommend signing the abstinence card in the presence of each other - promising to be celibate from today until you get married.  It will be a great present for your future spouses, even if it is each other.

Hope this helps, please let me know.

blessings,
carl

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Far is Too Far?

By Carl Fuglein
Do you remember the first time you rode a roller coaster?  What emotions went through your mind?  Maybe fear and excitement.  As you got onto the ride, your heart started pumping faster and faster.  The seatbelt was fastened and the bar was lowered.  The ride started and you realized that you were committed to this experience.  As you went up the first hill, you became even more excited and more scared.  Maybe you screamed, "Let me off this ride!" because you lost your nerve. Too late.  You hit the top of the first hill and think, "Omigosh, I'm gonna die!”  Then you rush down that first hill and think, "Wow, what a rush!  That wasn't so bad; in fact, it was kind of fun."  There you go--up and down all the hills.

And when the ride’s over, you want to find a bigger, faster, scarier roller coaster.  Maybe even one that turns you upside down.  If you're like me, you just can't stop riding roller coasters.  You figure out that you're not going to die and that you like the feeling of exhilaration it gives you.  You will find that the first roller coaster just won’t feel the same, once you’re ridden on that bigger, faster, scarier coaster.  Having sex for the first time is a lot like riding a roller coaster—the anticipation, the fear, the expectations, and the feeling that you could die.  However, once you make it through the first time, you’re ready to do it again and again and again. You want bigger, higher, faster, and scarier sex just to get the adrenaline rush you felt the first time you gave your virginity away.  Except when you have sex, you give pieces of yourself away—some of your emotions, some of your heart, and some of the purity that God gave you.   

God gave us the beautiful gift of sex.  He intended it to be used for creating intimacy between a husband and wife as well as for procreation.  (See Gen. 2:21-23, 3:16, and 4:1)  Instead, humans have exploited sex by committing adultery, which includes pre-marital and extra-marital sex, (Exodus 20:14) and even thinking about committing adultery.  (Exodus 20:17)  But what constitutes sex?  This is the actual question that you are asking when you ask “How far is too far?”

There are many reasons why you may be asking this question.  One, you're looking for someone to give you a specific limit.  Two, you're looking for permission to do certain "things" without feeling guilt.  Third, you really don’t know what, in God's eyes, constitutes sex.  Look up these words in the dictionary:  sex; sexual intercourse; coitus.  Still not very clear, is it?  In my dictionary, sexual intercourse has two definitions - one is coitus, the other is "sexual union involving genital contact, but without penile penetration".  But human sexuality is not just physical; it’s also an intellectual, social, ethical and spiritual act with social consequences.

Human sexuality is complex.  It’s been said that women have sex to get love while men give love to get sex.  A commodity traded between two individuals who are using each other as a means to an end.  Women are turned on by emotional intimacy, while men are more aroused by a woman’s appearance.   Does that mean a woman should refrain from intimacy on all levels?  Should a man never look at a woman? It's all part of the human sexuality "dance" leading to sexual union. Humans do all sorts of strange things prior to having sex. When you're older and in a committed marriage relationship, merely "talking" and "cuddling" can constitute sex or at the least, foreplay.

So, we come back to the question again, what is sex?  A couple’s physical relationship might go like this.

1. He sees a pretty girl or she sees a cute guy.  She smiles at him, he smiles at her.
2. They talk, nervously. They both laugh.
3. She tells a friend to tell a friend to tell him that she likes him.
4. He tells a friend to tell a friend to tell her that he likes her back.
5. They talk some more.
6. They go to the library to "study".
7. On the way home, they hold hands.
8. They go out on their first "date".
9. They hold hands, and at the door when he drops her off, he gives her a hug, and maybe even kisses her, once, quickly.
10. They go out again, and maybe kiss twice or nibble on one another’s ear.
11. After they've been going out for a while, they “experiment”, and French kiss.
12. Wow, that was fun, what's next?  Lying down on a couch perhaps, but "just kissing".
13. While still fully clothed, but lying on a bed, he touches her and she touches him.
14. Step 14 is the same as 13, only with buttons unbuttoned and zippers unzipped.
15. Ditto, only maybe without some clothes
16. Ditto again, only with no clothes.  
17. Mutual masturbation. (this might start occurring in step 13)
18. Oral sex. (Could happen as early as step 15)
19.  Protected sexual intercourse.
20.  Unprotected sexual intercourse and perhaps “kinky” sex.

So, at which step is a sin committed?  What is the definition of sex?  Where does being friends end and “friends with benefits” or “sex” begin?  The difference between 1 and 2 is tiny.  The difference between steps 9 and 10 is tiny.  The difference between steps 17 and 18 is tiny.  The difference between steps 1 and 20 is huge.  A couple must consider the step that they together think is a sin, and agree upon it. Pretend that step is a cliff.  If you go that far, you're going to fall off the cliff. Every step after that one will be tiny; but hey, it doesn't matter, because you already fell off the cliff.   

Where should a couple place their cliff?  That's pretty much up to them based on their experience and their morals.  Ninety percent of adults, if they're honest, will tell you that sex is downright fun.  But there is a LOT more to sex than just the physical part.  Sex inside marriage is guilt free.  Outside marriage, it's guilt laden.  Remember that everything you do, along with everyone you do it with, will be in your mind on your wedding night.  If you truly love your bride or groom, wouldn't you want to wait to give it all to them instead of only part of you?  Going all the way will give you emotional baggage that will be extremely hard to empty when you get married, especially if one partner is a virgin, and the other isn't.

Unfortunately, the Bible does not directly mention French kissing; it doesn't mention oral sex, it doesn’t mention masturbation.  Any genital contact, even with clothes on is sex.  Most clinical definitions of sex are just that – any genital contact constitutes sex.  Anything that could lead to the act of making a baby outside of marriage could be a sin. Let me explain, if a step would prepare your body for the act of intercourse, (specifically, causing the male to have an erection and/or the female’s vagina to become wet) it probably should be considered a sin.  For most people, that point would be step 11, French kissing.  For some, it might not happen until step 12 or 13, for others it might start as early as 9 or 10.  Once you get to that point, i.e., real sexual arousal, any labels become meaningless and it becomes more and more difficult to stop – remember those raging hormones.  Your body will be saying “More, More”, and your brain will be saying, “Stop, stop!”  

If you've already stepped off the cliff, don't despair.  There is grace - God loves you and will forgive you.  But you must try very hard not to go there again.  Trust me, there is so much more to marriage than sex.  Sure, sex is great, but being married to your best friend, even without sex, is better.

Finally, consider this.  Pledge to not have sex until marriage.  Write it down.  Sign it. Something like this on an index card:   

“On __________, 2008, I made a pledge to myself and before God to not have sex until my wedding night.  Here’s my signature to prove it.  This card is my wedding gift to you.”

Put that card in your wallet and carry it with you.  Let it get crumpled and bent and worn out.  And on your wedding night, pull it out of your wallet and hand it to your husband or wife.  It’ll be the best present you will ever give your spouse up to that point.  What comes next will be THE best.


Links:

http://www.intervarsity.org/studentsoul/item/why-wait

http://www.unification.net/tfv/tenreasons.html