Expert: Susan Milillo - 9/10/2008

Question
my question is that im engaged to a man who has been living in USA for about 28 years, he is 36 now and im in pakistan and im 29. we r engaged becoz my parents chose him but he says yes only because he thought he wont find a girl of these qualities which i have, but he does not like my complexion as im dusky. i accepted him because i think he is from God as i have been praying for 8-9 yrs for a good husband and i was surprised to see that he was 6 ft and dark, talkative and all the things which i have prayed for. but the thing is i also prayed that he should be spiritual and likes me as i am but these things are missing. plus he also flirt too much and meet and visit girls who he says are his friend, but im not sure. i do feel jealous and dont know what to do. he is not spiritual, he is a flirt and these are the things that irritate me.im depressed, what should i do.

Answer
Dear Tania,

I'm so sorry it has taken me a couple days to respond.   I have been mostly away from my computer.   But your question does stir my heart.

From the way you described things in your question, I personally believe that this guy is probably not from God.  You prayed for a good husband;  right after that, you also said that he is tall, and good looking basically (right?), and has personality traits that you like.    But what is most important in a good husband?   What kind of man would be truly from God??     

God wants for you to be as close to Himself as possible.   So, you want a man who will encourage you to walk closely to God, right?   I think life can be hard enough, without a spouse who does not have his heart in the same place as you.

So it's most important for him to love God, which you said is lacking.

Also, for him to like you (even love you!) as you are -- This is so important, I cannot stress it enough.  If you feel unacceptable to him now, while he is supposedly trying to 'woo' you, you will certainly not feel more valued and cherished as time goes along.  On a personal note, I am married, and my husband really cherishes me and loves me for who I am.  If there were a physical trait he didn't particularly like, I wouldn't know, because he cares for me too much to risk my being insecure about anything.   God gives me what I need in life, but many times it is through my husband's love and gracious, total acceptance.   

Then I guess last but not least, these other girls he is spending time with.  Whether or not they are 'just friends', the point really is that he is investing himself strongly in the lives of other women.  In marriage, 'having an affair' is not just sexual.  Any real intimate relationship with one other than your spouse, of the opposite sex, is a kind of 'emotional adultery'.  

Now, some people are just real friendly with everyone.  And some women are better made to cope with real sociable husbands than other women.  I personally would not like it, even if I knew that my husband's motives were genuinely to do what's right.  I think most women want to feel like they are 'the only one' in their husband's eyes, and I believe that is as it should be.   

If this guy is not spiritually minded, is there anything to keep him from having an affair?  It's hard enough for guys who do know Jesus Christ personally, to guard their eyes and hearts.  I'm amazed sometimes that those who don't know Christ can every even basically keep themselves true.

So, I guess you know my advice.   Pray and ask God to give you the courage to do what you know you need to do.  I believe you will know in your heart that you did the right thing for your relationship with Jesus Christ, and for your own future.  (And the future of your children too! Fathers are commanded, in the Bible, to teach God's laws to their children!  If a father isn't spiritual himself, how will he do this? You know??)

Ending the relationship would inevitably be hard, but nothing is as hard as trying to live your life day in and day out, with someone who doesn't share your heart for God, and who doesn't really love YOU (meaning all that you are), and who you don't feel you can trust around other women.

Trust God, Tania. He has someone for you, someone who WILL love you for who you are -- because of who you are -- and will be a good spiritual leader for you and your family some day.    Believe Him on this. I know you have been waiting and praying for years now.  But He is always faithful to His children, and always good!!!    Don't let the devil lead you into a lie that will trap you.

God has a bright future for you.  Take heart, and take hope!!

Please write again, I'd love to hear how things turn out. -- Whichever way you decide.    I know I don't exactly know you, but I feel like I do, or like I am sitting across a table from you having a cup of coffee.

I have prayed for you Tania.

Love in Jesus,
SM