Expert: Susan Milillo - 1/5/2009

Question
I am currently engaged to the man that I have been with on and off for around 6 or 7 years, we are both Christians and in college. Because we go to a collge in a diffrent town it is hard for us to get to church on Sunday, and I was wondering if you have any suggestions about how to keep God in our relationship. I have felt like something was missing for a little while now and I feel that it is God. I will admit that we have had sex, but, we stopped once we figured out that we were missing God in our relationship. Any advice?

Answer
Dear Courtney,

    I'm so sorry I have taken this long to get back to you!  How are things going??

     First of all, it's really good that you've made the choice to stop having premarital sex.    Besides other reasons, it really gets the focus off of building the relationship itself.  Within marriage, it's more of a 'holistic' thing - you can focus equally on all aspects. But I think in a dating relationship or engagement, it becomes an obsession. I'm not sure of all the reasons for the difference.

     How is this going? I know it can be (IS) extremely hard to stick to these kinds of committments, especially when you've already had sexual experience together.

     As for keeping God in your relationship, a couple ideas:
Could you both go to separate churches Sun. morning? I know it would be disappointing to be separate like that for an experience that is good to have in common. But it's better to go to two separate churches, just as a temporary thing , than to not go to church at all because you can't go together... right?   I think so.   MAYBE, this would even be a good way for each of you to really focus on God alone right now, for a couple of hours a week, as you get ready to join your lives permanently.
What do you think?

      Also, there are Bible study groups you can join.  Or even do one just together.   Have you ever heard of Family Life? It's a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.  Well, they put on a seminar which I think is every year, called 'A Weekend to Remember'.  My husband and I went there a couple years ago, and it was fantastic. Now, I remember they had a track for engaged couples, as well.  I really would highly recommend it.   Look it up online, if you wish.
There are different conferences all over, at different times of the year.  The one we went to was in February. It was cool to get to go to meetings, and then go to a nice restaurant for Valentine's dinner -- and there would be no pressure to 'room together' just because there are mostly married couples there. Because it is for engaged couples too, and I know there would be many others rooming alone for this purpose.  Please check into it.

       And then, most importantly, each of you needs to remember to keep God first in your own individual selves.... You know what I mean?
It's impossible to incorporate God into a joint relationship, with all the other complicated dynamics that come with a relationship, UNLESS you are first cultivating your relationship with God privately, and having your OWN heart and mind - thoughts and affections -- given up to Him, every day, as you go throughout your day.    How would you say your personal relationship with Jesus is right now?   Your fiance needs to consider this too, but for now _take ownership_ of how YOU respond.   If YOU aren't where you need to be with God, you won't be able to offer anything of lasting value to your fiance, in your joint relationship with God.

    I hope I've helped in some small way!!  Remember, small changes can make big differences.    God bless you, and I am praying for you and your fiance!
Please keep in touch. I'll try to make sure to respond much more quickly next time.

Love,
SM