Expert: Carl Fuglein - 5/13/2009

Question
QUESTION: Dear Dr. Carl,

Thanks for the opportunity to ask you and you are the teen expert. I desperately need your help and advice concerning my 2 kids.

Lately, my husband caught them together naked, my son is 14 and my daughter is 13. We were shocked, the girl confessed and said she doesn't know why she do this and it seems that they were doing it for years. My son at first lied but then he confessed.

I tried to call a priest we know on the phone to talk to them and make them confess to God so that God can forgive them.

I tried talking to each one of them about how they will lose eternity life with God and how it is a big crime...etc.

I need to confess that we caught them when they were at the age of 6 and 7 as they used to watch a porn movie from sattelite but we didn't give much attention as they were too young, we just told them that this was so wrong but we did not hit them or anything...

I am so worried now and I want to make sure that they will no longer do it again. How can I be sure of that?

Please help me

Thanks a lot.

ANSWER: Dr. Hala-

First of all, I am not a Dr., merely a youth minister with a heart for teens and a good bit of experience.  I have not, however, ever had this particular case on a first hand basis.

This is what I know - it is not at all unusual for siblings close in age to explore their bodies and even have sex with one another.  It happens a lot more often than most people would admit.  So, although it might not help, it's sometimes nice to know that you're not alone.

I think you probably acted appropriately when they were 6 or 7. They were just playing "doctor" at that age, and that's normal, too.  If you caught them more than once watching porn, you should have taken steps to remove access to it.

You need to explain to your kids that what they did was wrong - in God's eyes, and in society's eyes.  If they were caught by someone other than you, they could be removed from your home, probably separated, and you, the parents, could conceivably go to jail.  Your kids don't want that, and you need them to know that you're not kidding.

There is no way you can know if they are continuing with this behavior, but I would seriously limit their opportunity to be alone together.  I might even institute a doors open policy (one thing teens HATE) until they have proven themselves to you.

Continue to talk to them to see if you get any hints.  If you have the really serious talk with them, the behavior will probably stop.

God bless you for seeking advice.  I would continue to seek advice from a professional therapist as well - they may recommend some family counseling which would help a lot.

Blessings,

carl


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Carl,

First, I'd like to thank you for your prompt reply. Also letting me know that it's not so unusual helped a lot.

They have been seriously taught about the harmness of the act already and we received their assurance about not pursuing it again. In addition, that we talk to them more often about ethics & morals & christianity.

They used to be good kids and that's why it is pretty much shocking to us to be aware about it. They go to Sunday school and they know well about Jesus, so I'm sure they knew about the guilt but maybe not to its real extent!

Unfortuantely, the fact of not being alone cannot be guaranteed due to circumstances so we have no other way than trusting them while preaching them.

Maybe this incident will act as a reason for making them more christians as it draws our attention for raising them with great care & caution because eventually we will be asked in Heaven concerning them.

Please feedback me of any more useful advice and thanks a lot.

God bless you

Hala

Answer
Hala-

I think you have the situation under control, and there's not much more that you can do.  Ultimately, they are old enough to make their own choices and be responsible for them.

As parents, the best thing we can do is educate our kids as to what the consequences are.  When  you do that, the responsibility becomes theirs.  When we teach sex education to the youth group, we tell them that our purpose is to inform them so that they cannot come back to us and say, "I didn't know."

Blessings

Carl