Expert: Carl Fuglein - 5/1/2009

Question
I am currently on staff at a mega church and am in a leadership role but I don't want to ask advice at the church because people know the child.  

I was approached several weeks ago by the daughter of a friend of my mine.  She told me she had a testimony that was in the making.  The entire family has come into the church in the last two years and prior to that never attended church.  They are all very active in volunteering.  

The daughter told me she had been molested by a family member (not in her immediately family# for 7 years and it was now over.  She had told her mom #who was also molested as a child) and one or two other people about the "M" thing too (her words).  I think she has also told her counselor at school too.  BUT if that is the case then I would think there would have been an investigation and/or an arrest of the family member and I have not heard of this action.  The other day she said she feels disgusted and is upset at her mom that her mom has not talked more to her about it.  I told her Mom may not know what to say.  I advised the teen to tell her counselor at school she wants to talk more about this.

My friend told me months ago before the daughter approached me, that the child had contacted a Christian author who is well-known for her testimony as a recovering sexual molestation victim.  Mom was concerned because this author was e-mailing her daughter and neither the author nor the daughter was talking about what was in the messages.  

I don't know if the story is even real.  I am worried that the teen is so desperate for a testimony she is willing to borrow her mother's history.   I don’t want it to seem like I don’t believe her because what if it’s true?  I asked the teen if I could talk to her mom about this and she got upset and said no.   I really think she is embarrassed but I don’t know if it is because of her lies or because of the molestation that happened to her.

I have prayed over this but am not sure what to say to the daughter or my friend.  I have told the daughter I can listen but I am not the one to advise her.  I have no history in this type of situation nor am I a counselor.  I am honored that she would share this secret and pain that she is experiencing but I can only pray for her.

Should I not listen to the daughter and talk to my friend about this?  Should I call a meeting with the two of them together and the other two people who know?  Any advice would be appreciated.  Thanks for you time.


Answer
Alyce-

I'm assuming that your friend is the girl's father?  He would have to be, as you also talk about her mom, and how she doesn't want you to talk to her mom.

Regardless, you are in way over your head, and you were right to ask advice, although you're probably not going to like it.  Bottom line is, in most states, if you even SUSPECT child abuse or sexual abuse, you are required by law to report it to child protective services, the police, or both, even if you think it's over, or may not even have happened.  Since you don't seem to be the girl's youth minister or counselor, I would recommend that you tell your immediate supervisor everything you've told me.  You may want to protect the girl, but this is way beyond that.  Her best protection is to get her some help, and your supervisor at church should know what to do.  If he or she does not, then the two of you go to the senior pastor.

This is a serious situation.  It's possible that there is no abuse, but there's something wrong here if the girl won't let you talk to her mom.  And where's her dad with all this?  He just passed it on to you?  That's a cop-out.  You say she's the daughter of a friend - if so then if it's her dad or step-mom, then they have a responsibility here.

I'd pass it up the chain of command.  There's no shame in not knowing what to do.  And I've been involved in these situations before - you have got to tell somebody about it.

Hope this helps.

Carl