Expert: Carl Fuglein - 5/20/2009

Question
I am a 18 yr old Christian. I have engaged in some "heavy petting" only once with my 19 yr boyfriend who is also a virgin. He respects my virginity and even though he is not a christian we both want to save sex for marriage. I asked him if he felt ok on how far we were going and he told me that as long as we dont have sex he thinks its ok to go as far as we want to that we can control ourselves and that we wont end up having sex if we engage in heavy petting. I know that sex before marriage is wrong in God's eyes but what if we dont have sex but do other things such as heavy petting is it wrong?? ive heard that it is wrong because it can lead to sex but is there any other reasons why i shouldnt do it? does the Bible say anything about this?

Thank you for your time and help.  

Answer
Tessa

I like your name, it's unusual, but has a certain ring.

Good question.  I don't have time at the moment to answer since I'm at work, but I promise I'll answer by midnight tonight.

hugs,
carl


Tessa-

Hi again.  I am frequently asked the same question;  "How Far is Too Far?"  I've written an essay about it that you may have seen if you looked at my past answers, but I've included it below just in case.

One of the lies about premarital sex and sexual experimentation is that it leads to intimacy.  That's actually a lie.  Intimacy begins with the brain and building a sound and spiritual relationship with another person.  Praying with one another is intimate.  Sex before marriage isn't, it's just hormones.  Because you asked the question indicates to me that you desire purity before God, and you desire intimacy with your boyfriend without crossing the infamous "line".  You can do both without ever touching each other except maybe holding hands or hugging.

The "line" is difficult to define.  Actually, the line is impossible to define, in my opinion, because there are so many layers to sex from merely looking at one another with desire to actual intercourse to kinky sex.

The Bible says nothing about heavy petting.  But the term heavy petting may include mutual masturbation to some people, and just a routine make out session to others.  But is it sex? Depends on your definition of sex.  Some definitions of sex include merely touching genitals without penetration.  Some people think oral sex isn't sex because of a) President Clinton and b) because it's not actual sexual intercourse.  But in my opinion at least (and most other adults'), oral sex most certainly IS sex.  So the question really is, what constitutes sex?

The Bible is fairly clear, no sex until marriage.  Okay, we know that.  But are their other sins involved?  How about lust?  Lust refers to mere thoughts; "intense sexual desire or appetite" according to one dictionary definition.  The Bible calls lust a sin:

Jesus says in Matthew 5:28  but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Janes 1:14  But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.
15  Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.

1 John 2:16  For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.
17  The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever.


That's pretty powerful stuff there.  Let me ask you a serious question:  can your boyfriend look at you, and then engage in heavy petting with you without lust in his heart?  Can you look at him?

That's probably not the answer you wanted, but I'm in the business of telling the truth as I see it, besides, you asked.  And in my opinion, the truth is:  if you are engaging in heavy petting, you are treading on dangerous territory, as you are only 1 or 2 steps away from oral sex and sexual intercourse.  If you honestly don't have a problem with that, and seriously think you can stop, then that's your business, not mine.  Part of growing up and becoming an adult is making good decisions on your own.  I think that you are probably feeling perhaps a little guilty for the heavy petting.  If you weren't, you wouldn't be writing to me.  Perhaps you were writing to me to get permission to heavy pet.  Not here. I'm not going to tell you when you should stop - that is between you and your boyfriend.

Read my essay below WITH your boyfriend.  Do it together - don't you read it first.  Parts of it may make you laugh.  Parts of it may embarrass you, but it's important to read it together.  It's good that you're talking about sex - most people just start making out on the couch then go jump in bed when they can't stop.

There are some links at the bottom of the essay that have some good reasons not to have sex.  The best reason I can think of is that God said no.  Don't despair.  Sex is made out to be a really huge sin, but I'm of the opinion that sin is sin.  Anything we do wrong separates us from Our Father.  As I grow older, I sin less and less, but I still sin.  It's a good thing that we have a savior.

God bless you and your boyfriend for thinking about this. You should know that the most important sex organ is actually your brain.  I hope my answer including the essay below is helpful to you.

Please take the time to rate my answer.

hugs,

carl

Essay below \/

How Far is Too Far?

By Carl Fuglein
Do you remember the first time you rode a roller coaster?  What emotions went through your mind?  Maybe fear and excitement.  As you got onto the ride, your heart started pumping faster and faster.  The seatbelt was fastened and the bar was lowered.  The ride started and you realized that you were committed to this experience.  As you went up the first hill, you became even more excited and more scared.  Maybe you screamed, "Let me off this ride!" because you lost your nerve. Too late.  You hit the top of the first hill and think, "Omigosh, I'm gonna die!”  Then you rush down that first hill and think, "Wow, what a rush!  That wasn't so bad; in fact, it was kind of fun."  There you go--up and down all the hills.

And when the ride’s over, you want to find a bigger, faster, scarier roller coaster.  Maybe even one that turns you upside down.  If you're like me, you just can't stop riding roller coasters.  You figure out that you're not going to die and that you like the feeling of exhilaration it gives you.  You will find that the first roller coaster just won’t feel the same, once you’re ridden on that bigger, faster, scarier coaster.  Having sex for the first time is a lot like riding a roller coaster—the anticipation, the fear, the expectations, and the feeling that you could die.  However, once you make it through the first time, you’re ready to do it again and again and again. You want bigger, higher, faster, and scarier sex just to get the adrenaline rush you felt the first time you gave your virginity away.  Except when you have sex, you give pieces of yourself away—some of your emotions, some of your heart, and some of the purity that God gave you.   

God gave us the beautiful gift of sex.  He intended it to be used for creating intimacy between a husband and wife as well as for procreation.  (See Gen. 2:21-23, 3:16, and 4:1)  Instead, humans have exploited sex by committing adultery, which includes pre-marital and extra-marital sex, (Exodus 20:14) and even thinking about committing adultery.  (Exodus 20:17)  But what constitutes sex?  This is the actual question that you are asking when you ask “How far is too far?”

There are many reasons why you may be asking this question.  One, you're looking for someone to give you a specific limit.  Two, you're looking for permission to do certain "things" without feeling guilt.  Third, you really don’t know what, in God's eyes, constitutes sex.  Look up these words in the dictionary:  sex; sexual intercourse; coitus.  Still not very clear, is it?  In my dictionary, sexual intercourse has two definitions - one is coitus, the other is "sexual union involving genital contact, but without penile penetration".  But human sexuality is not just physical; it’s also an intellectual, social, ethical and spiritual act with social consequences.

Human sexuality is complex.  It’s been said that women have sex to get love while men give love to get sex.  A commodity traded between two individuals who are using each other as a means to an end.  Women are turned on by emotional intimacy, while men are more aroused by a woman’s appearance.   Does that mean a woman should refrain from intimacy on all levels?  Should a man never look at a woman? It's all part of the human sexuality "dance" leading to sexual union. Humans do all sorts of strange things prior to having sex. When you're older and in a committed marriage relationship, merely "talking" and "cuddling" can constitute sex or at the least, foreplay.

So, we come back to the question again, what is sex?  A couple’s physical relationship might go like this.

1. He sees a pretty girl or she sees a cute guy.  She smiles at him, he smiles at her.
2. They talk, nervously. They both laugh.
3. She tells a friend to tell a friend to tell him that she likes him.
4. He tells a friend to tell a friend to tell her that he likes her back.
5. They talk some more.
6. They go to the library to "study".
7. On the way home, they hold hands.
8. They go out on their first "date".
9. They hold hands, and at the door when he drops her off, he gives her a hug, and maybe even kisses her, once, quickly.
10. They go out again, and maybe kiss twice or nibble on one another’s ear.
11. After they've been going out for a while, they “experiment”, and French kiss.
12. Wow, that was fun, what's next?  Lying down on a couch perhaps, but "just kissing".
13. While still fully clothed, but lying on a bed, he touches her and she touches him.
14. Step 14 is the same as 13, only with buttons unbuttoned and zippers unzipped.
15. Ditto, only maybe without some clothes
16. Ditto again, only with no clothes.  
17. Mutual masturbation. (this might start occurring in step 13)
18. Oral sex. (Could happen as early as step 15)
19.  Protected sexual intercourse.
20.  Unprotected sexual intercourse and perhaps “kinky” sex.

So, at which step is a sin committed?  What is the definition of sex?  Where does being friends end and “friends with benefits” or “sex” begin?  The difference between 1 and 2 is tiny.  The difference between steps 9 and 10 is tiny.  The difference between steps 17 and 18 is tiny.  The difference between steps 1 and 20 is huge.  A couple must consider the step that they together think is a sin, and agree upon it. Pretend that step is a cliff.  If you go that far, you're going to fall off the cliff. Every step after that one will be tiny; but hey, it doesn't matter, because you already fell off the cliff.   

Where should a couple place their cliff?  That's pretty much up to them based on their experience and their morals.  Ninety percent of adults, if they're honest, will tell you that sex is downright fun.  But there is a LOT more to sex than just the physical part.  Sex inside marriage is guilt free.  Outside marriage, it's guilt laden.  Remember that everything you do, along with everyone you do it with, will be in your mind on your wedding night.  If you truly love your bride or groom, wouldn't you want to wait to give it all to them instead of only part of you?  Going all the way will give you emotional baggage that will be extremely hard to empty when you get married, especially if one partner is a virgin, and the other isn't.

Unfortunately, the Bible does not directly mention French kissing; it doesn't mention oral sex, it doesn’t mention masturbation.  Any genital contact, even with clothes on is sex.  Most clinical definitions of sex are just that – any genital contact constitutes sex.  Anything that could lead to the act of making a baby outside of marriage could be a sin. Let me explain, if a step would prepare your body for the act of intercourse, (specifically, causing the male to have an erection and/or the female’s vagina to become wet) it probably should be considered a sin.  For most people, that point would be step 11, French kissing.  For some, it might not happen until step 12 or 13, for others it might start as early as 9 or 10.  Once you get to that point, i.e., real sexual arousal, any labels become meaningless and it becomes more and more difficult to stop – remember those raging hormones.  Your body will be saying “More, More”, and your brain will be saying, “Stop, stop!”  

If you've already stepped off the cliff, don't despair.  There is grace - God loves you and will forgive you.  But you must try very hard not to go there again.  Trust me, there is so much more to marriage than sex.  Sure, sex is great, but being married to your best friend, even without sex, is better.

Finally, consider this.  Pledge to not have sex until marriage.  Write it down.  Sign it. Something like this on an index card:   

“On __________, 2009, I made a pledge to myself and before God to not have sex until my wedding night.  Here’s my signature to prove it.  This card is my wedding gift to you.”

Put that card in your wallet and carry it with you.  Let it get crumpled and bent and worn out.  And on your wedding night, pull it out of your wallet and hand it to your husband or wife.  It’ll be the best present you will ever give your spouse up to that point.  What comes next will be THE best.


Links:

http://www.intervarsity.org/studentsoul/item/why-wait

http://www.unification.net/tfv/tenreasons.html