Expert: Pastor Don Carpenter - 6/9/2009

Question
Hi, I'm 19 years old, And I am ready to leave my home. I am ready for reasons such as I want to have my own life, and my parents are verbally abusive to me in many areas of my life. I love them, and they love me, but arguments are too much to handle anymore. Its gotten to the point where I've become bitter (working on that) about the way they treat me. My father is a pastor. I told them tonight that I was leaving my home, and they went ballistic. I am moving up north where my girlfriend is...I am not moving there for her, just because I have a place to live there and a job making MUCH better money than I am now.I do not want to leave my family under bad pretences, yet my parents, who have called many family members already and have had them call me to tell me how wrong I am for leaving when my parents dont want me to,seem intent on making this a bad experience. My father, a fundamental baptist preacher, told me he would get up in the pulpit on sunday, and preach a sermon about rebellious children, point out my name, and make an example of me...FROM THE PULPIT!!! Does that sound right? I just want to start a new life. I will still be going to the college that my parents had chosen for me. They just cant accept that I'm ready to leave. Am I biblically wrong for leaving my home at 19 when they say no? They say I'm breaking the command of God that says to honor my parents. Can't I honor them if I leave? Are my parents right for acting the way they are? My brother understands, and doesnt blame me...he wishes he could go with me. Shouldnt they be able to understand and support me, or should I just continue to stay somewhere I feel unhappy at?

Answer
Hi Carroll,

Thank you for this very powerful and personal question.  I am so sorry for my late response. I have a 21 and 19 year old daughter.  I am also an independent fundamental Baptist preacher.  I understand exactly where your dad is coming from.  Let me give you a few things to consider from his perspective that he would probably never tell you.

1.  Pastors are often unfairly judged by people and other pastors by what they think their kids should be doing.  If you move our from under the authority of the home before you go off to college, many will view this a rebellion.  Perhaps it is, perhaps not.  Remember that your dad could face severe credibility problems if the public starts buzzing about the tragedy of his poor rebellious daughter...  That stinks!  People should not do that... but they will... that is the reality.  Everything we do effects the lives of others.  You did not choose that, but this comes with being a pastor's kid.

Romans 14:7
7 For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself.
The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

2.  It is a maddening time to watch your precious children become adults and then leave home to make decisions on their own.  You hold your breath hoping that all you taught them and all they submitted to under your roof will be embraced by your child once they are on their own.  It is not a step that a Christian parent looks forward to.  I would guess that you not making the transfer of authority from your parents to a Bible college, but rather completely on your own is very scary.  It is not something I would want my child to do.

3.  Why are you leaving?  Why can't you just wait until fall and go to college?  It seems like that would be a better choice considering the fact that you only need to suck it up through the summer.  You do not want to burn bridges at this point in your life.  Do you want this temporary freedom enough to do damage to your father's ministry and possible future opportunities at other ministries?

Obviously, I have no clue what you are going through, but I wanted to give you another perspective to consider.  There is a lot at stake here.  

I hope that this helps.

In Christ
Pastor Don