Expert: Susan Milillo - 6/9/2009

Question
Hi, I'm 19 years old, And I am ready to leave my home. I am ready for reasons such as I want to have my own life, and my parents are verbally abusive to me in many areas of my life. I love them, and they love me, but arguments are too much to handle anymore. Its gotten to the point where I've become bitter (working on that) about the way they treat me. My father is a pastor. I told them tonight that I was leaving my home, and they went ballistic. I am moving up north where my girlfriend is...I am not moving there for her, just because I have a place to live there and a job making MUCH better money than I am now.I do not want to leave my family under bad pretences, yet my parents, who have called many family members already and have had them call me to tell me how wrong I am for leaving when my parents dont want me to,seem intent on making this a bad experience. My father, a fundamental baptist preacher, told me he would get up in the pulpit on sunday, and preach a sermon about rebellious children, point out my name, and make an example of me...FROM THE PULPIT!!! Does that sound right? I just want to start a new life. I will still be going to the college that my parents had chosen for me. They just cant accept that I'm ready to leave. Am I biblically wrong for leaving my home at 19 when they say no? They say I'm breaking the command of God that says to honor my parents. Can't I honor them if I leave? Are my parents right for acting the way they are? My brother understands, and doesnt blame me...he wishes he could go with me. Shouldnt they be able to understand and support me, or should I just continue to stay somewhere I feel unhappy at?

Answer
Dear Carroll,

   Your situation sounds painful and very difficult.    
Yes, the Bible does say to honor your mother and father, and that goes for no matter what age you are.  But of course your parents are not acting Christlike in their response, for example pointing out your name from the pulpit.   But, I'd say - you can't control their responses, you can only have SELF control through the Spirit (which bitterness can block!! - so yes, keep working on this :-)  -- So make sure your own heart is pleasing to the Lord.  Ask God to show you if you have any prideful or rebellious motives in your heart.    I think there certainly is a time when it's appropriate to move away from your parents authority, but exactly when that is, is more of a blurry thing.
But sometimes, even IF your parents are not mature Christians or people in general, or even if they are not even Christians (for someone else's case, I'm not suggesting that your parents are not), they can still have an 'innate sense' of what is good or not good for you.
For example, I have no idea if this is anywhere on target or not, but let's just say that the friend you want to move in with IS living in rebellion to God's will.  Maybe she is a person who would negatively influence you in one way or another.   Parents can often see things about people or situations that put up red flags in their minds as far as our safety or well-being is concerned.
So, it's possible that your parents are being  completely unreasonable, but it's also very likely that there are some concrete things they see in the potential situation that concerns them.  
So first, make sure your heart attitude is pleasing to the Lord
Second, focus on yourself, on your own actions and reactions, not on your parents and the wrong ways in which they are behaving.
Third, remember that even imperfect or immature parents often see things that we don't see; honor their experience and their knowledge of you, however imperfect it is
Fourth - Go to them with a totally open heart, to try to just understand where they are coming from. Try to detach yourself as much as possible from how personal the whole thing is and ask them questions (not emotionally 'loaded' questions, if you know what I mean) about what they see in you, or in the situation , that gives them concern.  But pray, pray, pray, before you go and talk to them, of course.   Have a Christian friend pray with you and for you.  Ask God to keep in you a humble heart and spirit, and to keep you open and teachable.  And remember, one can learn some very important things from even the least sensible or mature people, just LISTEN - with your mind and with your heart.  Instead of arguing back then, ask yourself, 'What are the implications of what they just said?'
Etc. .. . .  
So anyway, there are many things I could have said or many ways I could have answered this, but God willing He has led me to say the most important things.  
Please keep in touch. I'm concerned for you in  your situation, and understand your desires to be recognized as a capable adult.  
I actually was sorta' there not so long ago myself!
I have you in my prayers!
Love,
S.M.