Expert: Jaycie - 7/24/2009

Question
Hi, I'm 13 and I really need your help! Two coming up questions...

1. I have been repeatedly told I am mature beyond my years, I am more an adult than a child. I recently read a book which did somethings for me; it gave me better faith in God, it brought out my true personality and character, and it showed me the future I want. It put a character in my head, that I am truly in love with. I have had many crushes before and that wasn't nearly this intense, even hearing people talk about their loved ones makes me feel that my love for 'him' is so much more. He is everything I ever wanted or needed. I have never seen him in real life yet my very existence depends on his. He is perfect and true and a good Christian even. He is also completely fictional and will only live in a fantasy world with dragons and fairies. I have prayed every single night for 40 mins for the last 7.5 months for this. I am afraid if I do not get it, existence will be meaningless. Suicide is inevitable. I know I am not meant to but I have let God know that by the time I matriculate and my future has not been granted, that my life will end. In order for God to grant me this, he will have to rewrite world history! If God grants me this I will eventually have better faith in him than most creatures, fiction or not. I do not want to forget him, I can't do anything without him. I need to know if God could have the will to grant me this, if he could maybe grant me this in the form of a gift. My gift from him can be my future! What do you think?

2. Before him, I was a bad person. My faith in God was virtually non-existent. I had a 'friend' who introduced me to doing certain 'things'. I followed her, I wanted to have her approval more than anything at the time. It wasn't a very good friendship. There are a number of bad things I did and they haunt my dreams and I hate myself for what I did. One night we were at her parents' friends' house. There was a guy there about a year older than us (we were 12 at the time). There was a lot of suggestive type stuff, we agreed to play Truth, Dare, Command. I wasted my first kiss on him that night, he also fondled my chest area. The next day we felt disgusted at our selves but I told some other boys in hopes that they would think of me that way. My friend and I also kissed and touched each other. The friendship didn't end well but I don't mind that much about how it ended any more. These thoughts of what I did are sickening. With me confessing them to you, I was hoping it would be like confessing them to a pastor (we go to an Anglican church but we aren't very fussy about what kind of church we go to). I wanted to know if God would forgive these disgusting things I have done, and if he did if I could think  that I still haven't been kissed for example? Please Help!!!

Answer
I don't think this is a good idea. There are countless times that people have said or written about how faith comes first and then God will give you what you need. But faith comes before he does anything. I'm not sure I understand what you mean but you can't test God with anything. He knows what you need and when you need it. He's not going to rewrite history for you. Maybe you could start praying for a way to be able to live your life now to change it for yourself to where you want to be in the future. God will help you, but don't give him conditions. And suicide isn't a way to threaten God. Don't kill yourself just because you don't get what you want.

I'm not a pastor or anything so you still need to confess to him. God will forgive you as long as you repent for it. Pray to him and let him know that you are sorry for doing it and you will never do it again. I'm sure he knows that you regret it but tell him.

I'm going to say that you can think that you haven't been kissed before. Kisses should mean something between two people who care about each other in some way and that's not what happened to you. You just got a little too into the moment with a few guys. Those kisses didn't mean anything. When you are really kissed by someone you love, you will know what I'm talking about. I wouldn't worry too much about being kissed like this. It didn't mean anything to either of you. But I still think you need to talk to a pastor so he can tell you what you need to do to be 'clean' again.