Expert: Susan Milillo - 7/8/2009

Question
I have a couple of questions that have been bothering me lately.

If we truly have Christ in our hearts will we ever need people to say "I love you"?

I got saved November 30,2008...Then I was a bi-sexual and that was actually the first thing I wanted to get rid of,knowing its wrong in Gods eyes,and after a while It was gone,it wasn't even on my mind until I began to get close to a friend,we were close friends,she was someone I truly trusted,but I told her I was bi and had feelings for her,we talked to our youth leader,he said to keep a distance from her,she told me not to talk to her at all.So we didn't talk for a month or two,I was delivered from it June 19 but even when I told her we don't talk.I feel our friendship has just went down the drain,we see one another,maybe speak a word or two but thats it.
I'm also afraid to go and talk to her,I feel like I disgust her,and I feel that even If I did talk to her my youth leader would look at me wrong,and I feel bitter,I'm starting to tell myself I don't need her,I don't need anyone,I'm lonely and angry,I cry in the restroom at night,I'm scared of falling away and I despise myself,I'm starting to think if she doesn't even want to talk to me I must be really jacked up,not good enough for a friend...and all in between I pray,asking God to speak to me,what to do and where to turn but I don't hear him.I feel so hurt,I just didnt think...It was supposed to be different in church but even in the house of God my closest friends ignore me,I cant help but begin to think of suicide,Im so afraid....

And Im constantly trying to treat others with respect,Im always listening to them,when their feeling down I look out for them,whatever they say I respond to wenever evey1 else doesnt,I hug them and tell them I love them cuz I know how it feels when noone tells you those words or does those kinda things for you but still everyone just passes me by.

I dont show that Im hurting cuz when I do they tell me Im sulking in my own sorrow,so when they ask me if Im okay I lie and tell them Im fine,but inside Im not okay,and I feel like when they ask me if Im okay they do cuz they HAVE to,not because they really care.

And Im afraid to talk to my youth leader about this cuz Im afraid,especially about with my friend and I,I feel like he just sees me as some bisexual girl whos just trying to get close to his "right hand man" she helps him with almost everything from watching his baby girl to setting up the youth scedule.

And dont get me wrong,hes a really good man,hes really caring,and she not stuck up,shes sweet and has a good heart,she was the only friend who'd talk to me till 1 in the mornig cuz I was trialing,its me,I feel so lost.

Most of the time I just wanna be alone,nomore church,I just wanna overdose on a drug and never wake up again,I wanna rest,just get away for a while,stay in bed,I just wanna drug,i DONT know why,Ive never done any but I just wanna hit something to make me feel better.

And one other thing,Since Ive been delivered do I use that as a testimony?Cuz honestly if a girl asks my testiomony I wouldnt wanna say that cuz I feel like they'd judge me and turn away...and also cuz If they were to see me Im afraid they'd think "Eww shes getting too close to that girl,shes still bi"and they'll just talk mess about me

Im sorry to write so much,its just that after feeling everyone is against me,I dont have anyone to to fellowship with,except my brother but hes a guy,and he is a little dissapointed that noone in the church is fellowshiping with me,hes always listening but hes had no expirence of being a bi girl,and hes no youth leader or pastor so he cant really help,so will you?at least rry?please...I feel so shunned.  

Answer
Dear, dear girl,

    You are loved. Your father in heaven loves you. And yes, there are people who do/will love you just for who you are, too.
    That's really unfortunate, the whole situation.  I'm thinking it would probably be better not to have told your friend what your feelings were. You did not plan to act on them as you knew it was wrong; I can see it might be awkward for her to know. Honesty is the best policy as they say, but sometimes people don't need to know every little thing, you know ?    I'm thinking, especially since you have been delivered from it, why not just sort of not bring it up anymore, you know ? More than anything, Satan wants to remind you of your past.
    I think, that it's better not to include the whole bi thing in your testimony for now. Maybe some day, when you have really mature godly friends, you can little by little open up to them - Friends who have been many times 'tried and true'. God will show you when it is the right time.  But really I think most people don't know how to handle such knowledge maturely, so I think for now it's best to just keep it between yourself and the Lord, and those you've already told. - but even with them, don't bring it up anymore unless they do first.
    But you said you are delivered, right?  Truly, "if any man (woman) is in Christ he/she is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (John __)  Even if you do still feel tempted sometimes, even if you do still have those feelings come back sometimes, in Jesus you are FREE ! Keep taking that on faith. ROmans 8:1 -"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...."    Jesus totally changes the boundaries and definitions of reality. He is so COOL.
      One more thing for now, YES, even if we truly have Christ in our hearts, we still have need for another human being/other human beings to tell us, 'I love you' as well.  That is not a weakness, that is the way God made us as human beings.  
     Please don't consider drugs or suicide. You are worth so much more than that, to God, and now to me too. I love you, sister!
Please keep in touch, okay?

Love,
SM