Expert: Carl Fuglein - 7/12/2009

Question
Hi Mr. Fuglein. My name is Dee and I'm 19 years old. My boyfriend's the same age as me and we've been dating for 9 months. We are in a very serious relationship and have talked about marriage and have decided to hold off on sex til marriage. We are both Christians. Ever since I began college at the University of Notre Dame, I've been questioning my sexual past. And his. In high school I was very casual sexually. I never had sex (still am a virgin) but did everything else with many different guys (including receiving and giving oral sex). My boyfriend never did anything sexual with anyone in high school, except one girl. He had sex with her after only knowing her for 2 weeks. He says it was the biggest mistake of his life. Everytime we've talked about it he has been very honest with me and I can see that it hurts him so much. It hurts me too. I do my best to not think about it but sometimes it's overwhelming. The thought of him with another girl makes me want to throw up. The thought of him, on top of another girl, doing something that we haven't even shared yet makes me cry at night. I keep telling myself this was before we met and he only did it with her (twice, once in a car ugh kill me), but it doesn't help. I know he regrets it. I know it's not fair of me cause I've done sexual things with many more people than he has, but it doesn't help. I hate it. I can't get over it. No matter how much I cry, how much I pray, how much I try to rationalize, or how much we talk about it, I just can't get over it. I'm insanely in love with him. I want to be with him forever. I refuse to let this get in between us, but I don't know how to get over it. I have no one I'm close to who is spiritually wise enough to talk about this with. My friends don't understand. I don't know what to do. Please help me. Thank you.

Answer
Hi Dee,

I get this question a lot - "How do I forget about all those people I had sex with before I met my soulmate, and moreso, how do I forget all those people that he slept with?"

Dee, I don't know the answer, but because I get asked it a lot, and because in my heart and Biblically speaking premarital sex is a sin (including oral sex), is why I preach abstinence.  Too many people regret their first experiences as a teen for a variety of reasons, and one of the biggest is that whenever you have sex with someone prior to marriage, that person is going to be in your marriage bed with you.

Please know that God has already forgiven you and your boyfriend, and He (and I) are very happy that you have decided not to have sex until marriage.

You said that you're insanely in love with him, and you also said that you have no one who is spritually wise enough to talk to about this.  I think one of the first steps is to realize that you better be close enough to your boyfriend to talk about your fears and unwillingness to forgive and forget - not only do you need to forgive him, you need to forgive yourself for your prior actions.  I think the both of you need to have a serious conversation about it and make plans to pray together about it and ask God to help you forget.  You should be marrying your best friend - and if you can't to talk to him about this, then maybe he's not the right guy.  The bell has been rung, by both of you, and it cannot be unrung, so you need to forgive and forget, and move on.  It's not going to be easy, but it will be easier if you try to do it together.  Talking to your pastor about it together wouldn't be a bad idea either - perhaps he or she could help you some.

Hope this helps,

blessings,
carl

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