Expert: Carl Fuglein - 2/2/2010

Question
QUESTION: im gonna be straight forward....i know there is a god i believe in god and jesus and all the stuff except for some father and some things they say..... my question is ... wat can i do to have fun with my girlfriend....im 15.....can i date? can i make out. can i have somesort of sex?  and stuff like that pls if you can metnion every possiple thing you can...10q franklin grima

ANSWER: Hi Franklin

I've written an essay which I think is a perfect answer to all your questions.  I hope it helps, let me know by taking the time to rate my answer.  And if you have more questions, please write again.

Blessings,

Carl


How Far is Too Far?

By Carl Fuglein
Do you remember the first time you rode a roller coaster?  What emotions went through your mind?  Maybe fear and excitement.  As you got onto the ride, your heart started pumping faster and faster.  The seatbelt was fastened and the bar was lowered.  The ride started and you realized that you were committed to this experience.  As you went up the first hill, you became even more excited and more scared.  Maybe you screamed, "Let me off this ride!" because you lost your nerve. Too late.  You hit the top of the first hill and think, "Omigosh, I'm gonna die!”  Then you rush down that first hill and think, "Wow, what a rush!  That wasn't so bad; in fact, it was kind of fun."  There you go--up and down all the hills.

And when the ride’s over, you want to find a bigger, faster, scarier roller coaster.  Maybe even one that turns you upside down.  If you're like me, you just can't stop riding roller coasters.  You figure out that you're not going to die and that you like the feeling of exhilaration it gives you.  You will find that the first roller coaster just won’t feel the same, once you’re ridden on that bigger, faster, scarier coaster.  Having sex for the first time is a lot like riding a roller coaster—the anticipation, the fear, the expectations, and the feeling that you could die.  However, once you make it through the first time, you’re ready to do it again and again and again. You want bigger, higher, faster, and scarier sex just to get the adrenaline rush you felt the first time you gave your virginity away.  Except when you have sex, you give pieces of yourself away—some of your emotions, some of your heart, and some of the purity that God gave you.   

God gave us the beautiful gift of sex.  He intended it to be used for creating intimacy between a husband and wife as well as for procreation.  (See Gen. 2:21-23, 3:16, and 4:1)  Instead, humans have exploited sex by committing adultery, which includes pre-marital and extra-marital sex, (Exodus 20:14) and even thinking about committing adultery.  (Exodus 20:17)  But what constitutes sex?  This is the actual question that you are asking when you ask “How far is too far?”

There are many reasons why you may be asking this question.  One, you're looking for someone to give you a specific limit.  Two, you're looking for permission to do certain "things" without feeling guilt.  Third, you really don’t know what, in God's eyes, constitutes sex.  Look up these words in the dictionary:  sex; sexual intercourse; coitus.  Still not very clear, is it?  In my dictionary, sexual intercourse has two definitions - one is coitus, the other is "sexual union involving genital contact, but without penile penetration".  But human sexuality is not just physical; it’s also an intellectual, social, ethical and spiritual act with social consequences.

Human sexuality is complex.  It’s been said that women have sex to get love while men give love to get sex.  A commodity traded between two individuals who are using each other as a means to an end.  Women are turned on by emotional intimacy, while men are more aroused by a woman’s appearance.   Does that mean a woman should refrain from intimacy on all levels?  Should a man never look at a woman? It's all part of the human sexuality "dance" leading to sexual union. Humans do all sorts of strange things prior to having sex. When you're older and in a committed marriage relationship, merely "talking" and "cuddling" can constitute sex or at the least, foreplay.

So, we come back to the question again, what is sex?  A couple’s physical relationship might go like this.

1. He sees a pretty girl or she sees a cute guy.  She smiles at him, he smiles at her.
2. They talk, nervously. They both laugh.
3. She tells a friend to tell a friend to tell him that she likes him.
4. He tells a friend to tell a friend to tell her that he likes her back.
5. They talk some more.
6. They go to the library to "study".
7. On the way home, they hold hands.
8. They go out on their first "date".
9. They hold hands, and at the door when he drops her off, he gives her a hug, and maybe even kisses her, once, quickly.
10. They go out again, and maybe kiss twice or nibble on one another’s ear.
11. After they've been going out for a while, they “experiment”, and French kiss.
12. Wow, that was fun, what's next?  Lying down on a couch perhaps, but "just kissing".
13. While still fully clothed, but lying on a bed, he touches her and she touches him.
14. Step 14 is the same as 13, only with buttons unbuttoned and zippers unzipped.
15. Ditto, only maybe without some clothes
16. Ditto again, only with no clothes.  
17. Mutual masturbation. (this might start occurring in step 13)
18. Oral sex. (Could happen as early as step 15)
19.  Protected sexual intercourse.
20.  Unprotected sexual intercourse and perhaps “kinky” sex.

So, at which step is a sin committed?  What is the definition of sex?  Where does being friends end and “friends with benefits” or “sex” begin?  The difference between 1 and 2 is tiny.  The difference between steps 9 and 10 is tiny.  The difference between steps 17 and 18 is tiny.  The difference between steps 1 and 20 is huge.  A couple must consider the step that they together think is a sin, and agree upon it. Pretend that step is a cliff.  If you go that far, you're going to fall off the cliff. Every step after that one will be tiny; but hey, it doesn't matter, because you already fell off the cliff.   

Where should a couple place their cliff?  That's pretty much up to them based on their experience and their morals.  Ninety percent of adults, if they're honest, will tell you that sex is downright fun.  But there is a LOT more to sex than just the physical part.  Sex inside marriage is guilt free.  Outside marriage, it's guilt laden.  Remember that everything you do, along with everyone you do it with, will be in your mind on your wedding night.  If you truly love your bride or groom, wouldn't you want to wait to give it all to them instead of only part of you?  Going all the way will give you emotional baggage that will be extremely hard to empty when you get married, especially if one partner is a virgin, and the other isn't.

Unfortunately, the Bible does not directly mention French kissing; it doesn't mention oral sex, it doesn’t mention masturbation.  Any genital contact, even with clothes on is sex.  Most clinical definitions of sex are just that – any genital contact constitutes sex.  Anything that could lead to the act of making a baby outside of marriage could be a sin. Let me explain, if a step would prepare your body for the act of intercourse, (specifically, causing the male to have an erection and/or the female’s vagina to become wet) it probably should be considered a sin.  For most people, that point would be step 11, French kissing.  For some, it might not happen until step 12 or 13, for others it might start as early as 9 or 10.  Once you get to that point, i.e., real sexual arousal, any labels become meaningless and it becomes more and more difficult to stop – remember those raging hormones.  Your body will be saying “More, More”, and your brain will be saying, “Stop, stop!”  

If you've already stepped off the cliff, don't despair.  There is grace - God loves you and will forgive you.  But you must try very hard not to go there again.  Trust me, there is so much more to marriage than sex.  Sure, sex is great, but being married to your best friend, even without sex, is better.

Finally, consider this.  Pledge to not have sex until marriage.  Write it down.  Sign it. Something like this on an index card:   

“On __________, 2010, I made a pledge to myself and before God to not have sex until my wedding night.  Here’s my signature to prove it.  This card is my wedding gift to you.”

Put that card in your wallet and carry it with you.  Let it get crumpled and bent and worn out.  And on your wedding night, pull it out of your wallet and hand it to your husband or wife.  It’ll be the best present you will ever give your spouse up to that point.  What comes next will be THE best.


Links:

http://www.intervarsity.org/studentsoul/item/why-wait

http://www.unification.net/tfv/tenreasons.html




---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: you ansewred alot of my questions but can u specify which step can i go to----> i no its impossin=ble but if i dont have in erection in oral/anal its not a sin.....imposiible.....but which question can i go to

ANSWER: Franklin

Regardless of what you've heard, oral sex and anal sex are very much a sin, and pretty much impossible to engage in withOUT an erection.

I think what you're trying to ask is permission to engage in sexual activities, and I'm not going to give it to you, because there really is no distinct line, but as I said in my essay, once you get past step 12, I'm pretty sure you're going to be engaging in dangerous behavior, and sinning will come soon after.

Concentrate on getting to know girls and what they like to do and how they feel about things instead of thinking about them as a sex object, which is pretty much what you're asking.

hope this helps

Carl.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: carl ive been hearing teens at school saying `i masturbate``masturbating is bad so i finger myself in the ass` are they doing bad?

Answer
finering yourself isn't any better and is not acceptable just like masturbation.  And masturbation isn't necessarily bad when you engage in it instead of sex.  

Masturbation is not mentioned in the Bible, so we reall don't know if it is a sin or not.  But the activitities that surround masturbation are a sin - normally lust or pornographicc images.

Here's another essay , this one about masturbation.  hope it helps.  Thanks for the good ratings.

carl

Is Masturbation a sin?

Masturbation is not mentioned specifically in the Bible.

Because of that, we don’t really know whether it is a sin or not.  Many people say yes.  Many say no.  It’s one of those issues that is difficult to determine, and you have to make up your own mind.

Some of the emotions that can along with masturbation ARE sins, e.g., lust (coveting someone other than your wife) which will normally occur when you masturbate.  (See Matthew 5:27-28) Masturbation is normally done for selfish pleasure – if all you are focused on is yourself, then how can you be honoring God?  God gave us sex for both pleasure (within marriage) and to procreate the race.  Masturbation does one, not the other.  

But where does lust begin and end?  Is masturbation the beginning of lust or does it end lust?   Steve Gerali, a nationally known speaker and author, in his book, “The Struggle” (about masturbation) says this:
~~~~~~~
“If we’re honest we’d have to agree that the sexual thoughts, desires, arousal and even lust precede the need to masturbate. Once orgasm occurs, all of that is gone. Masturbation is the end of lust, not the beginning of lust. Masturbation isn’t lust nor does it feed lust. It ends lustful episodes. … there are many godly men and women who believe that because masturbation follows the lust and shuts down the process,  it becomes the way out that many people pray for. For these people, this deliverance from lust makes masturbation a gift from God.”
~~~~~~~

You have to understand that God created sex, and that sex is good.  Therefore, how can sexual thoughts necessarily be bad? They’re not.  Sexual desire and physical attraction for the opposite sex are not bad, particularly if they’re towards a spouse or future spouse.  But if thoughts of sex become all you think about, then those thoughts can be lust and be considered a sin.  By the same logic, if all you think about is the next time you can masturbate or the next time you can eat Ben & Jerry’s ice cream or the next time you can play Nintendo, then you may have a problem.  You also have to know that masturbation is far from the best sex you’ll ever have – I don’t think it’s what God created sex for.  God gave us these crazy desires. Maybe He’d rather us lean on Him for strength to avoid this behavior than to grab a magazine and head for our rooms.

Let’s look at the physiological, spiritual, and emotional consequences of masturbation.  Pam Stenzel, a nationally known educator in the area of teenage sexuality, specifically abstinence education, says in her book, “Sex Has a Price Tag,”:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 Plus 7 Dangers Of Masturbation
1. Sex happens in the brain first. The arousal response is the most easily trained response in a human being. What we do to prepare the body for sex¬ual response and arousal becomes what we need in order to be aroused. In other words, masturbation trains your body to respond a specific way to specific stimuli.

2. Because of 1, masturbation often becomes addictive.

3. Addictive behaviors are difficult to change.

4. Because of 3. masturbation tends to control the person rather than the person controlling the masturbation. (In other words, it's a habit that's hard to break.)

5. Once the brain has trained a person's sexual response through masturbation or other self-stimulation, the body will continue to require the same activ¬ity for sexual response even after a sexual partnership (that is, marriage) has begun.

6. The chemicals released in the brain during sexual stimulation are extreme¬ly powerful, and the repeated use of self-stimulation can damage one's ability to respond appropriately to marriage intimacy. (Refer back to 5).

7. It's easier to say no to something before it becomes a habit.

8. Human beings can say no. Masturbation is often encouraged as a way to deal with sexual feelings and drives that cannot be controlled.

9. Contrary to popular belief, the desire to masturbate does not stop after marriage. It is not a cure for temporarily dealing with sexual pressure before marriage.

10. The most common problems for which married men seek counseling today are pornography and masturbation.

11. The same experts who declare that masturbation aren’t addictive, go on to claim that guys and girls who masturbate -are powerless to stop doing so.  So which is it?

12. Saying yes to masturbation (sometimes referred to as "having sex with oneself") in order to say no to having sex with someone else, does not make masturbation a good and positive thing. In other words, something that is "less wrong" is not necessarily right. Something that is less dangerous is not necessarily safe.  And something that is "less false" is not necessarily true.

13, Masturbation takes the mystery of sex and the wonder of "becoming one flesh" with another person and reduces it to something it was never intended to be - a solo activity consisting of a simple biological arousal/release activity rather than something that embraces body, soul, and spirit.

14. Masturbation will not make your hands fall off, your face turn blue, or your brain insane.  But that doesn’t mean you should do it, does it?

15, Hebrews '13;4 says, "Marriage is to be held in honor among all and the marriage bed is to be undefiled, for fornicators and adulterers God will judge." The word fornicators/fornication, pornea, means any sexual behavior, thought, or deed, outside of the sacramental act between a husband and wife. Self-stimulation, or masturbation falls into this category'.  It defiles the marriage bed.

16, Cultivating the self discipline that’s required to say no to masturbation now, before becoming one flesh: with a lifelong mate, will develop the strength of character necessary to continue keeping a marriage pure.

17. And one more thing – God forgives freely.  Never forget that.  At the same time, never use that to justify behavior that goes against God’s desire and will for your life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I agree with Pam on every item but 15 – I’m not so sure that God intended for masturbation to fall into the same category as fornicators.

As to Items 1 & 5-6: A sexual addiction counselor, Dr. Douglass Weiss, agrees. In a presentation he describes how sex and the brain interact:

~~~~~~~~~~~~
“In the center of the brain is the medial preoptic nucleus (MPN). In your brain, when you have a sexual release, your brain experiences a release of chemicals called endorphins and encephalins. This is the highest rush in the human body. It is the same area cocaine affects; this is why cocaine is so addicting.

Because you get the highest reward for this behavior, you want to do it again. Now, here's where it's unique. When you get the reward, whatever you're looking at—it doesn't have to be real—whatever you're looking at [at sexual release] you are bonding to whatever that [object] is. So, if you have a sexual fantasy, you'll start bonding to a fantasy world.

God designed it so that you would bond with one person. [To men:] In a very short period of time, no matter what your wife looks like, you bond to her. She becomes your desire. And when you think about intimacy and sexuality, you think about her. If you [masturbate] and you reward yourself for going to fantasy world, then the fantasy is going to be what you desire. You're going to see women as objects, not people. That's not God's design. God wants you to see someone as His child. As a person.

Your brain doesn't know the difference, between this [object] being appropriate or inappropriate. It just knows it got the rewards. Now, if it gets good stuff [chemical rewards] attached to bad things, what will it want to do? Bad things. [Protect] your brain. This is a holy place. If you start [masturbating] and you go over into fantasy or pornography, you are going to damage your life. It affects your own sexuality."

From: Douglass Weiss, Ph.D., Good Enough To Wait (Fort Worth: Discovery Press Video).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Will masturbation keep you out of heaven?  Well, no more than any other sin, and it, like any other sin can be forgiven. Masturbation among males is very common – 92% of males masturbate at one time or another, even after marriage or during a sexual relationship (and some people say the other 8 % lied when taking the survey).  The female percentage is 55%.  So, don’t feel alone, by any means.  (But just because everyone else does it, doesn’t mean you have to.)

Ask yourself why you do it, and what you get from it.  Certainly if you masturbate INSTEAD of intercourse outside of marriage, that would be preferable, but, as Pam says, something that is “less wrong” is not necessarily right.  

If you become obsessed with it and do it several times a week or even several times a day, and view pornography while doing it, then you may have a serious addiction that can be every bit as powerful and dangerous a disease as alcoholism or drug addiction.  If you do it only once in a while, it’s not going to hurt you.  And yes, it DOES feel good, and wrong, all at the same time.  Much like any other sin.

How do you stop?  Pray, pray, pray – turn your thoughts to something else.  Read your Bible, take a cold shower.  How do you stop other sins?  Gluttony, envy, pride, you name it.  Sin is sin, and ANYthing that takes you away from a closer relationship with God is sin.

Here’s a link to a Christian website that addresses pornography and masturbation.  I strongly recommend you go there and seek some help.

http://xxxchurch.com/07/gethelp/teens.php

Will you ever stop sinning?  Nope, you’re human.  Don’t beat yourself up over it (no pun intended).  Just try to focus on something else.  

Proverbs 6:25 - Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes.

Ephesians 4:19 - Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.

Colossians 3:5 - Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.

1 Thessalonians 4:4-6 - that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you.