Expert: Carl Fuglein - 1/26/2010

Question
Hey Carl

I am a 20 year old European girl I grew up surrounded by unbelievers and I became a Christian when i was 15 God is great, he can turn bad things into good Actually i came to Christ because of my Muslim boyfriend at the time Before the start of my Christian life I already did a lot of sexual things which i think now or not pleasing to god. I turned a lot of my lifestyle around for Christ (stop drinking, gossiping, react better on situations, ..) but my sexual ways are still not right and i know. These subjects are taboo for me and that's why i don't dare asking advice from my pastor. I hope by the grace of god you can be a solution for me.

1. I have a Christian boyfriend right now Just like me he's not a perfect Christian (for example he still got some African beliefs which i think are idol worshipping) Since the beginning we are having sex and i really enjoy it so much I am taking medicines to not get pregnant Things he asked but i was ashamed to do were watching erotic movie, do striptease and phonesex If any true Christian ask me about my sexlife I will lie But i know i can not hide anything for god Okay i now mentioned all this sins but I just don't know how to deal with sex without marriage being a sin because a) me myself i enjoy it, it's like i don't even want to stop it and b) stopping having sex with my boyfriend when we already did it, look more difficult than to never start having sex with each other

2.I read your answers on masturbation. Still i can not find myself in it It will look unreal to you but i think i have been masturbating since the age of 7 when i got to know the word masturbating by the age of 13 i realize i had been doing it all the time Girlmagazines are promoting it as a way to get to know your own body For now when i am studying sometimes i lose concentration and i start daydreaming about my boyfriend sometimes also in a sexual way Than if i masturbate those thoughts go over and i can concentrate again If i masturbate i think about having sex with my boyfriend As a kid it was about things i saw on TV I will never use things like dildo because i think its not safe for my body
As a Christian i started a way of life questioning myself and my acts to see if i am on the right path like: 'what would Jesus do in this situation?' and if my conscience is judging me i know what i am doing might be a sin About both topics my conscience is judging me and i can not imagine Jesus doing it So my question to you is: can you help me telling me how i could stop my sexual sins?

Thanks a lot for your time
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Greetings

Answer
Hi Caro-

Well, I don't really know what to tell you.  It seems like intellectually you know that as a Christian sex before marriage is wrong, but you since you've done it, you also know you like it.

All sin is like that - it feels so wrong, and it feels so good, all at the same time.  The only way you'll quit having sex is to make a decision not to do it again.  No phonesex, no stripteases, no pornography - these are all acceptable inside a marriage, but not before.

What would Jesus do in this situation?  He would love you.  He would also tell you to go and not sin again.  There's a Bible story about your exact situation.  See the story in the Bible 1 John 8:3-11

3  And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst,
4  They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.
5  Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?
6  This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.
7  So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.
8  And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground.
9  And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.
10  When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?
11  She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.


I can't make you stop, only you can.  Are you going to marry this man?  Then go ahead and marry him.  But don't have sex with him until you do.  I wish I could give you hints on how to stop, but I have no idea - you're an adult, presumably living on your own, and it's easy for you to find a place and time to have sex.  Just limit those times and places - if need be, don't even let your boyfriend in your apartment, or you in his.  Just go out on dates and try to get to know each other better.  If your relationship is based purely on sex, and you don't have any, your boyfriend is going to end the relationship soon.  But if what he is interested in is you, and not your body, he'll wait.

As for masturbation, you need to stop that, too, and that's even more difficult.  May I recommend this website:  http://xxxchurch.com/gethelp/  Click on "Women" and they will have some blogs and articles on abstinence, masturbation, pornography and like that.  They are a reputable website (despite their name) run by Christians who struggle with sex addiction.  I've met the two original owners, and they are for real.  I hope they can help you more than I have.

Blessings,

Carl

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