Expert: Carl Fuglein - 1/11/2010

Question
Hi,

I have grown up in my church since nearly birth and once in youth group I became a youth leader. My pastor left when I was a Junior in high school and our worship pastor came on board as the temporary leader until then and she recruited my help. As we searched for a new pastor I helped her "chaperon" the group since it was predominantly filled with lower classmen and jr highers. I grew close to many if not all in our group (of about 30) and have many fond memories with them. As I graduated high school at age 18 a pastor was hired and asked me to join his youth staff. I felt God asking me to do so and happily did. As I continued in this role I realized how much closer I had grown to one of the members in the group that was a year and a half younger then me and how much we flirted and even how much we both strongly desired to date. I had signed a covenant with this pastor to refrain from intimate relationships with the students and have kept that covenant. Due to many mistakes, he has since been let go and the end of last year a new pastor was brought on board. I have not been actively partaking as a sponsor (since last spring)until he asked me to join his team this last week. I am praying and thinking about this and find myself wanting to desperately (since I do feel called to youth ministry and will be transferring to a private university to study it this next fall) but I also feel a yearning and strong desire to be in a relationship with this student. We have a great friendship and clearly both want to date. I honestly love the relationship I have with God and the beauty of the calling He has given me, but cannot shake her from my thoughts (not ones of lust but of relation). I haven't asked/informed the pastor about my "love" of this young woman but am not sure how these two fit into the picture: serving in the ministry God has called me and being with someone who I truly appreciate and have grown to like deeply. Can these go hand in hand? I am seeking advice, thanks for your time.  

Answer
Dear yleader-

Thanks for writing.

Rule # 1 of youth ministry:  Thou Shalt NOT date thy students.

This rule is in stone.  You can't change it.  And if you try to get around it, you're going to ruin both the relationship AND your shot at ministry.

Bottom line is that you have to choose between dating and ministry.  If you choose the relationships, then after you're married or when the relationship ends, then you can start in ministry.  If you choose the ministry, then you must give up the relationship.  But it sounds to me like there is no relationship, yet.  Does this student even know you have thoughts for her?

I think the choice is clear. Continue to concentrate on your studies and get your degree, while delaying the chance to work with the ministry now.  Come clean with the Pastor - say, "I don't feel comfortable working with the group since I might be romantically involved with one of them."  You'll earn points for coming clean, and the Pastor may ask you to work with the younger group.  And ask the girl out on a date - after a few dates you'll know whether or not it's going to work.  If she's marriage material, then marry her after she graduates and come back to the ministry.

To your last question- can these go hand in hand?  NO!  You shall NOT date students.  Do not break this rule or you'll wind up screwing up any chance you'll ever have of doing ministry.

I hope I've made it clear.

Please tke the time to rate my answer

Carl