Expert: Susan Milillo - 1/11/2010

Question
Hi,



I have grown up in my church since nearly birth and once in youth group I became a youth leader. My pastor left when I was a Junior in high school and our worship pastor came on board as the temporary leader until then and she recruited my help. As we searched for a new pastor I helped her "chaperon" the group since it was predominantly filled with lower classmen and jr highers. I grew close to many if not all in our group (of about 30) and have many fond memories with them. As I graduated high school at age 18 a pastor was hired and asked me to join his youth staff. I felt God asking me to do so and happily did. As I continued in this role I realized how much closer I had grown to one of the members in the group that was a year and a half younger then me and how much we flirted and even how much we both strongly desired to date. I had signed a covenant with this pastor to refrain from intimate relationships with the students and have kept that covenant. Due to many mistakes, he has since been let go and the end of last year a new pastor was brought on board. I have not been actively partaking as a sponsor (since last spring)until he asked me to join his team this last week. I am praying and thinking about this and find myself wanting to desperately (since I do feel called to youth ministry and will be transferring to a private university to study it this next fall) but I also feel a yearning and strong desire to be in a relationship with this student. We have a great friendship and clearly both want to date. I honestly love the relationship I have with God and the beauty of the calling He has given me, but cannot shake her from my thoughts (not ones of lust but of relation). I haven't asked/informed the pastor about my "love" of this young woman but am not sure how these two fit into the picture: serving in the ministry God has called me and being with someone who I truly appreciate and have grown to like deeply. Can these go hand in hand? I am seeking advice, thanks for your time.

Answer
Dear yleader,

  Yes, with conditions I believe these things can go hand in hand, however it may be very difficult to keep a single motive in your dealings with the youth group as a whole.   I'm thinking, it's just for a short time that you will have this chance to be youth leader of this group, right ?  You said you are transferring to a private university to study in the fall. I don't know if this means you won't be nearby to lead the youth group or not.. (?).
  I think first of all it would be good and honorable to open up to the current pastor (youth pastor?) about this, and seek his guidance.  The pastor you made the covenant with has moved on, and now you are under the leadership and oversight of this new pastor. So definitely, open up with him about it.    
  You said this girl is only a year and a half younger than you, so I imagine it must not be too long before she herself graduates from the youth program, is this right ?  And it sounds like you have both been pretty open with each other so far as to how you feel ?
  Here is my advice: Talk with your pastor; talk with the girl, make your eventual intentions to date her clear, so she is sure not to misinterpret your waiting - reinforce to her that you are very interested in her, but you need to wait to develop a more intimate relationship with her  until you are no longer leading the group she is a part of. (I do think this would be awkward, and an evident conflict of interests).  Soon, either she will graduate from the group, or you will move on from it. But don't rush it. Remember God has his own timetable. If he has given you this opportunity to use your gifts and heart for this group, as they say, 'Seize the Day'!   But make sure she knows where you are coming from and what your plans are for the near future so she does not get discouraged from waiting for you.
    I trust this has been helpful! You are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing this with me, and for seeking the Lord's will with your whole heart. He will bless you!! (and I think he already is blessing you)- I'm happy for you that the interest seems to be very mutual.
Go with God,
Love in Jesus,
Susan M.