Expert: Brenda Martin - 10/9/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hi,

I am a Christian, 20 yrs. old and I like a guy who is 21, he believes in God and prays but he is not a Christian yet.  What do I do?  Is it okay If I date him?

Your advice will be muchly appreciated!
May God bless you:)

ANSWER: "If you believe in reasoning things out, you will want to consider not just the short-range effects of dating but also the longer-range results. Our Creator helps us to look at matters from this long-range viewpoint. He wants for us what will bring us true and lasting happiness. So he urges in his Word: “Rejoice, young man, in your youth, and let your heart do you good in the days of your young manhood, and walk in the ways of your heart and in the things seen by your eyes. But know that on account of all these the true God will bring you into judgment. So remove vexation from your heart, and ward off calamity from your flesh; for youth and the prime of life are vanity.” (Ecclesiastes 11:9, 10) What does this mean?

It means that the Creator wants you to enjoy your youth, but, at the same time, not to engage in conduct that will adversely affect your life later on. Unfortunately this so often occurs, even as a writer of modern times observed: “The greatest part of mankind employ their first years to make their last miserable.” You don’t want that to happen to you, do you? Neither does God want it to occur. Yet the Bible is also showing here in Ecclesiastes that God holds young persons responsible for what they do. Their youth will not excuse them from facing the consequences of the course they choose.

This all bears directly on the matter of dating. How so? Well, ask yourself: “Why do I want to date? What am I looking for that I couldn’t enjoy, for example, as part of a group? Why do I want to pair off with a person of the opposite sex?” Isn’t the basic reason the growing attraction you feel toward those of the opposite sex? This can be seen from the fact that physical attractiveness usually has a lot to do with one’s being desirable as a “date.”

Many young persons who date are not seriously thinking of marriage at present, or that they necessarily would like the person they date for a marriage partner. In most places where dating is considered to be customary, it is viewed merely as a form of recreation, a way to spend an evening or a weekend. And some persons, not wanting to be viewed as “different,” date because others their own age do. Yet, there is no question that dating can lead to “vexation,” and even “calamity.” Let’s consider why it can.

THE EFFECTS OF PHYSICAL CONTACT

More often than not, dating involves some physical contact—holding hands, kissing, or something beyond that. At first, just touching the other person’s hand may be very pleasurable, causing one to feel a warm glow. But after a while it may lose its thrill and may not have the same effect. Something more, such as kissing, may appeal. But, then, that too may become ordinary, even a little stale. Why is this?

Because where sexual passion is involved it is all part of a chain of events designed to lead to a specific outcome. The first link is the first touch. The last link is sexual relations, which God’s Word shows is reserved for marriage mates. Everything in between can lead up to that last link of the chain. So, then, if you are not married, is it wise to start with the first link, or any of the others? To do so is likely to bring “vexation.” Why? Because your body is going to get itself ready for something it should not receive now, that last link. Stimulating the desire for sexual relations but not fulfilling this desire may lead to frustration and nervous tension.

Fornication will not end the “vexation.” Rather, it can lead to “calamity.” How? In a number of ways. It can result in venereal disease. The girl could become pregnant, and this could pressure a couple into a marriage they really are not prepared for, adversely affecting their future happiness. Or the young man may refuse to marry the young woman, and she is then obliged to bring up the child herself with no husband. Or she may be tempted to undergo an abortion, which the Bible shows to be a form of murder. Is this not “calamity”? You may be determined that dating will not have these consequences for you. But many who were just as determined as you are have wound up facing these troubles. Really, then, the question comes back to whether you are ready for marriage or not.

YOUR PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

Even when dating doesn’t lead directly to “calamity,” it can have other disadvantages. One is the way it tends to narrow your interest down so soon to just one person. This is at a time when, for the development of your own emotional maturity, you can benefit most from association with a wide variety of persons. If you are in your young manhood, why not first concentrate on becoming a real man by having your main friendships with other men who demonstrate regard for what is right? You can learn manly abilities and ways from them. If you are in your young womanhood, why not interest yourself first in developing into a true woman, benefiting from association with those who are and who can help you to develop fine womanly abilities and ways? Dating really interrupts and slows down such development.

Before dating became a popular custom, young people found plenty of things to bring them enjoyment. You can too. You can find real enjoyment in conversing, learning, developing skills, working on projects, playing games, going places and seeing things. And you can find great pleasure in doing these things with someone of your own sex or with a group. You will often find that the wider the range of persons in the group—some your age, some older, some younger—the more enjoyment you will have."

this is advice taken from a bible based publication entitled; "YOUR YOUTH,GETTING THE BEST OUT OF IT"

Dating is not mentioned in the bible as its a modern invention, but it does say to "marry only in the Lord" in other words, to another true Christian, the choice is yours of course.

all the best
Brenda

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Would it be a sin though, to have a relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend knowing that he is not a christian yet?  He does like to party,drink,smoke though and that's what I don't like.  I know he does think about God and prays to Him but I also know that that's not enough.  I do pray to Jesus that he can change him because I know that only God can change people.

Answer
HI there, I can only tell you what the bible says, & it says; dating is only to start when a couple (both Christians) intend on getting married.

So when God says to "marry only in the Lord" he means date "only in the Lord" but its youre choice as I said :¬)