Expert: Susan Milillo - 3/28/2010

Question
Forgive the rather long and complicated question, but it is a weighty issue that won't leave me alone. Please bear with me.

I am in my late teens. Lately I have been wresting with the Lord. I feel distant from Him and distant from the peace He gives. I have sadly ignored the Holy Spirit and indulged in more worldly things, like secular music and even a bit of pornography.

Thanks be to God pornography is no longer an issue. A little while ago, he freed me from that, and the worse part of the secular music. Now I am trying to break away from more milder forms of that music. I feel a bit closer to God too.

But there is still a ravine in my relationship with Him. It is my own fault - I have an independent personality and surrendering is hard. I want to do it my way, go on my own path. Of course I know that this will lead to a miserable life here on earth and eternal damnation after, but it's still the same pattern every time. I gain the resolve to read my Bible everyday, and to pray with repentance and thanksgiving, but it always fails. I start doing what I want and forget all about spending time with God. The results have been a continual storm on the inside, hopelessness, and a lot of fear (of everything).

I am afraid of things like the world, end times and sharing Jesus with non-believers. I have even recently come to doubt my salvation quietly, even though I acknowledge that I am a sinner, even though I know Jesus is the only way to God and that God raised Him from the dead and even though I have confessed Jesus as Lord with my mouth. I feel like I am a wondering sheep, and my dumb strong will keeps going even though I want to return to Jesus' arms. I have been praying to God to help me return to Him - but it never works.

I'm at a loss of what to do now. My own efforts and prayers seem to have no effect. I am good at hiding all of these issues so my parents and friends have no idea. God seems distant and not very real at the moment [in the past He has been very real to me]. Do you have any verses or advice that could help? All I want is to go back to God and to have peace again. All of this is weighing upon me, and I can't take it much longer.

Thanks,
Elizabeth

Answer
Dear Elizabeth,


   Please forgive me for taking so long to write to you.  I feel especially badly as you said that you 'can't take it much longer' - I'm sorry you have had to wait so long, thinking that your heart had gone unheard.
   It has not. Actually, I feel like I could have almost written the note you wrote, myself.   But I've been moving on past that point, so I feel I can help as the Spirit empowers.
   When I was a young-ish teen, I really felt the presence and power of God. I was so intense in my relationship with Him, it was so sweet, almost constantly.  Then, nothing changed obviously, but I became more intellectual - maybe part of it was maturing into adulthood - and so much that I had had faith in and had revelled in the wonder of, came into question, and I hyperanalyzed everything and my relationship with Him started to grow cold.    My quest back towards the point I had been has taken years. But in some ways, I think the Lord has always seen it still in my heart. You know how you said that 'all you want to do is go back to God and have peace again'? Well, I personally think that this means that you are closer to Him than you think you are !   There is something in 'living and learning' - and especially as we experience our sin and feel its consequences - that mars the experience we felt with God.   But we can pray for God to bring the innocence back. I know you are praying for this.   Be patient, and have faith. Mostly , have faith that God is the one who truly sees the reality of where you really are in relation to Himself.    The cross of Christ, which you state your faith is in, is more than sufficient to cover all the sin and backsliding you have experienced.  And it is strong enough to restore you to your proper place in God's life for you.   It really IS all of grace that you stand before God in peace.   "Therefore we HAVE (presently, right now!) peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ." (Romans 5:1)
     Something a professor of mine in college said, someone I'd confided my own struggle to, gave me some very wise advice. He said that he had found that it was not so possible , or worthwhile trying , to 'GO BACK' to where one had been with the Lord.... But to _move forward_.  Believe it or not, God wants to take you right where you are, right now.
You have prayed to be right with God again... you don't feel different, or like you used to feel, yet -- but take it on faith that God HAS made you right with Him again, and just go on, and live your life in light of it ALREADY BEING SETTLED. Does this make sense ??
     There are some other verses I found for you, and pointers that came to me for you:
To counter the worldliness that you have succumbed to, fill your mind with scripture. I find the 'pauline epistles' are especially good to think through, over and over -- and memorize. It's the coolest thing to be able to say a passage of scripture to yourself in your head while you are waiting in line for something, for example, or driving around in the car, etc.... It just adds so much meaning to the day to day mundane. And also it ensures that junk won't find its way to your mind and your heart.  Think of it as an internal scrubbing :-)
     As far as the stubbornness/independent personality stuff:  That can certainly sabotage your best intentions to walk closely to the Lord. The important thing that we need for ALL of our Christian life is to live in submission/surrender and _dependency on  Him_ .     I deal with the problem too -- I determine to read my Bible every day, but then I get doing other things. It's like it seems too hard, so I keep putting it off -- when it would be the most relaxing refreshing thing I could do, and would get my whole day off right -- but sometimes I find myself doing what I DON'T want to do, and NOT doing what I DO want to do (reference to Romans --- PLEASE read Romans 7:14-8:1 - this is one of the scriptures I wanted to share with you, Elizabeth).      Please also look up, in regards to this point, Psalm 32:8-9 (really good on the 'stubborn' point) and Psalm 81:8-16 - especially verses 11-16. I'm sorry I can't type it all out here for you, but I believe you will grab your Bible and look it up, because I feel you really sincerely want to know ! :-)
      Growing up in your relationship with Christ once more takes time -- Read 10:35-36. Actually, I'll type that one out here: "Therefore, do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise." (and read through to 37)
       Psalm 19:12-14 is a good prayer to memorize and pray.  See also Psalm 25:15 - "My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only He will pluck my feet out of the fowler's snare." (don't focus on your own weaknesses and insufficiencies - but let your mind dwell on His power and glory)
      Another verse I have down here for you is Hebrews 10:4, although I can't remember precisely why I wrote that down ! I'll let God apply it to your heart how He wants to :-)
      I think your praying to return to God HAS already worked, but you just can't see or feel or prove it.   Take it little by little, Elizabeth, one step and one day at a time. Don't be discouraged.    I too have felt so discouraged, I've wanted to just give it all up. But He keeps me - He's good like that. I think you need to make a personal statement of faith, that He has heard your prayer, and He will not turn away any who come to Him through faith in His son Jesus !! He promises that, and God will not go back on His Word.    I too have had doubts about my salvation - and I have doubts about just about everything, because it's just in my personality- to question my own eye-color ;-) (not saying this is you). I trust Him to show me if for some reason I'm not truly saved, as I believe I am.  He is big enough for this, and He will honor that prayer.   But I believe I am saved, and I know that because I've put my faith in Jesus to be the atonement for ALL my sin - past present and future. That is something I cannot lose. And it is forever, because it is based on what HE did for me, not on anything I can do for Him.
       It would be good if you would stop 'hiding'. I don't mean you have to share all the specifics with everybody.  But your family and friends who know Christ are there to help and support you - pray for you - encourage you - point out areas where they see God at work in your life, even when you can't seem them. But how can they do these things unless they can see the real 'you' ?  And who knows, you might be a real major help to another friend who is also in hiding.      God bless you Elizabeth. I love your heart for Him, even if you may not see it now.
Please feel free to write again ! I love talking with you. Once again, I apologize for taking so long to answer. If you write again, I will try very hard to answer much more quickly.

Much Love in Jesus,
Susan M.