Expert: Susan Milillo - 3/5/2010

Question
QUESTION: HI I'm a 28 year old female who got married young and premturely. I was a virgin when I got married. Now divorced I have sexual desires and needs that I were not awakened prior to marriage. I'm not dating anyone right now and I'm not ready to but what am I suppose to do about my urges?  They aren't all the time just once in a while but they are very real.  They aren't controlling my life or disrupting anything.  I joke about it w/ my friends but ....I know God provides for our needs but this one is he really going to provide before I get married again.  Any suggestions?

ANSWER: Dear Resai,

    Having been a virgin myself before getting married, and having a marriage now, I really sympathize with what you're telling me; because there's that 'awakening', sexually, and once you are 'awake', I know that those desires don't just go away because you no longer have the opportunity to fulfill them.
    You didn't mention the word 'masturbation', but that is probably in question here...  
I truly feel that if you were to do that, it would only increase your desires for something you cannot have in a righteous way right now.   I personally think masturbation only 'fans the flames' of desire, to be a sexually active person - which you can't be outside of marriage, in a righteous way.   There's a verse I refer to a lot that says, "Make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts". (I think it's in Romans) In other words, don't make it just 'that much' easier for your flesh to tempt you to fall into or pursue an illicit relationship.
    Sorry again it took me so long to respond! Please write again if you have any more questions or are unsure of anything I said; I'll do my best to respond right away !!

      Love in Jesus,
         Susan M.


     
    


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: ok so if masturbation "fans the fire" then what puts water on the fire?  I must admit that your answer is much of what Ive gotten before from the Christian community.  But no one discusses the other half of how to calm those urges.  As you mentioned we are flesh and those urges are a natural 'flesh-ish' feeling that I have now.  But it seems like everyone is just telling me to suck it up and don't masturbate.  


Furthermore no one talks about the fact that knowning how to pleasure oneself enables you to better express to one's spouse what you like. Because if things are followed in the order in which God intended, people would only have 1 sexual partner: their spouse.  With that spouse, you explore each other but it is helpful to know 'where' to begin.  In that manner I see a role for masturbation.  I could be wrong and I write to you open and willing to be corrected b/c obviously my 'wisdom' is lacking in some if not many ways b/c my marriage did fail.

Thanks for getting back w/ me

Resai

Answer
Dear Resai,

   I had meant to add in my response some of the things you could do to help douse the flames...
I thought I had, but looking back I see I hadn't.
   Service to others is important - pour your life out for others God brings in your life, and get active and busy caring for them; this will help divert your focus.    Also be physically active; run as hard as you can, till you're worn out.   A friend of mine had a boyfriend who literally took a cold shower when he was feeling too tempted with her physically. So I don't know, but maybe that helps some people.
   As a Christian the most important thing to keep in mind is that you have to be able to do everything that you do 'in the name of Christ'.  Do you feel you can masturbate in the name of Christ, for example.
   It is a personal decision, and I'm not going to tell you that my take on it is more 'right' than yours.   You have to be able to do it with a clear conscience.
   A couple closing thoughts - watch what you are allowing yourself to read (romance novels, or something...) and watch on tv/movies... closely examine your life to make sure you are in no way 'fanning the flames' or encouraging them more than you need to, through your actions.
   The last thing is, as ironic as it sounds, I think one of the best ways to 'douse the flames' IS in denying yourself... if it really is a sin and you are convicted that you shouldn't do it, or things that might encourage you to lean that way, you want to 'starve it out' as much as possible.
   This is not a simple issue, and to tell you the truth this is the hardest question I've had personally in a while !   God bless and guide you into a decision that feels blessed by the Lord.

Love in Jesus,
Susan M.

p.s.   I meant to mention: in marriage, you have plenty of time once you are married to explore and figure out what your own body likes... I wouldn't worry about that now.