Expert: Susan Milillo - 4/7/2010

Question
Dear Susan,

I'm a Pastor's kid. I've been raised well by my parents and my faith was well-grounded until I grew cold with my relationship with God. I've been straying from Him for over a year now and I find no peace in it. I just feel so numb before God. And I know what's keeping me from repenting is because of my relationship with my boyfriend who is a non-christian.

I thought he was really the one, I was misled by his actions. I found out later on that he is not actually who he seems to be and part of that is being a Christian. When I found out about it, I really wanted to break up with him but for some reasons I just can't. Until I found myself compromising a lot especially what I believe in and the values I hold dear. I can't seem to point out what's keeping me from breaking away from all of this. And the biggest mistake I ever made was giving myself to him. He took it by force the first time so when I realized that I'm already blemished, I lost hope. I couldn't face God anymore and it's very draining to put up a show in front of my family and the church. I feel so rotten inside, so dirty, so sinful... I want to stop from doing unworthy things before God but just right now, my heart is still like a stone.

I don't even know why I wrote this when there's a big possibility I won't heed your advice. I just feel the need to air this out. I'm so tired from all of it and yet I couldn't find the strength to once again stand up for Jesus. I feel so hopeless...I really messed up my life, big time. I never thought I'd be like this. I just hope God would break my rebellious heart and He'll give me the strength to do what is right.

Answer
Dear Snow,

   I'm a pastor's kid too! So I understand _some_ of what it might be like to be living your life.

First of all, God still loves you and accepts you as His child, as long as you once made that commitment of your heart to Jesus.  He will 'never leave you nor forsake you'. (Heb. 13)

Secondly, I am concerned in that your boyfriend 'took by force' your sexuality the first time.
That is rape, dear !!  ---   And it wasn't your fault! So in God's eyes, you were not blemished !

And even still, don't think that once you _have_ sinned by continuing to be sexually active, that you can't go back.  You could be what they call a 'recycled virgin'- in God's eyes, you could be as if you never ever consented to it after that tragic forcing.

Because he is causing you to compromise on your convictions and values, and because he actually raped you, I definitely counsel you to BREAK UP WITH THIS GUY !!!    
However, if he is prone to violence (which I believe he is , if he treated you such; rape is a violent act), or possessiveness/control, tell another responsible caring adult about your plan to break up with him - so that individual can 'watch your back' should your boyfriend end up retaliating because of your breaking up with him.

Snow, please please save your life, here and now.  This is not the path that you want to take for yourself. God loves you still, so very much, and sees the beautiful part of His plan you could live, but you will never know that unless you literally repent - which means a change in mind and direction.    There is  a verse I'd like to share with you.    It's at the end of Lamentations -- It says, 'Turn us back to You ,O Lord, and we will be restored; renew our days as of old....' Also, Jeremiah 17:14, "Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for You are my praise." - In other words, it is only God who can give us the grace and strength and ability to make an 'about face' in our lives. Our fleshly nature just is not even nearly capable of doing such a drastic thing.  Make these verses your prayer to the Lord.   And forget about if it 'feels' like you have changed. God hears your prayer of faith, and HE will do it IN you, as you trust in Him.

In God, you can do it !!  Make a choice now for your own life, that will give you life abundant.

"The thief comes only to steal, and kill , and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly."  John 10:10

Love in Jesus,
Susan M.