Expert: Pastor Don Carpenter - 5/31/2010

Question
Ooes your husband need to know when you've had sex with another man? No I don't plan on ever doing this again,and I feel super guilty and worry that just confessing to God isn't enough. Does he forgive you and still allow you to keep the secret?
I've been married for five years and have two beautiful children.husband after having kids got really big and lost interest in everything besides tv and I had lost baby weight and his friend took interest in me and one drunken night we had sex.I felt so horrible,it has happened several times since(always drinking involved)next day I'm back to feeling horrible and depressed.it has been several months maybe like a year now and I did it again,so I want to keep my family and want nothing from this guy but am I forgiven by God if I don't tell my husband and concentrate on my family and getting back into church and all.

Answer
Hi Angela,

Thank you for this very heart felt question.  I am very sorry that you have fallen prey to this devastating sin.  You do have forgiveness from God is you go to Him, but I am not going to sugar coat what you have done.

First of all, you are obviously snared by this sin, that is why you have done this multiple times.  If you really want save this marriage and bury this sin forever you need to come completely clean both to God and to your husband.

Proverbs 28:13
13 He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.

The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

As long as you keep it secret, you allow a safe haven for temptation, and a chance that it will happen again.  If you are completely honest and confess all, forsaking every tie you have to this guy, there is a chance to save your marriage.  If confess all, you make it harder to fulfill the lusts of your flesh.

Romans 13:14
14 But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.

The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

Secondly, You should know that you have broken the marriage contract and your husband would be absolutely within his Biblical right to divorce you and remarry someone that would be faithful to him.

Matthew 19:3-9
3 The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? 4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, 5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. 7 They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? 8 He saith unto them,  Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say unto you,  Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.
The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

Thirdly, If you are to save this marriage you are to come to your husband begging forgiveness, and throw yourself on his mercy.  It would be good to get your pastor involved and get into marriage counseling.  If you come completely clean and forsake all ties, your family can be saved.  Make no mistake, you will not keep this secret forever.

Numbers 32:23
23 But if ye will not do so, behold, ye have sinned against the LORD: and be sure your sin will find you out.
The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

I believe that God can help your husband forgive you, but there is no guarantee that he will be willing to stay.  After speaking with your pastor, come clean and trust the Lord to preserve your marriage.

I am sorry, I know that this is not the answer you were hoping for... but I believe it to be Biblical.  I will be praying for you.  I hope that this helps you.

In Christ
Pastor Don