Expert: Brenda Martin - 11/23/2011

Question
hai,so im confused about this guy. We are at the same college, his 21 & im 20. We are in the same classes and so became really close friends but spending too much time together has led to us having feelings for each other. This would have been simple since im single but he isnt. He has a girlfriend in another city who he has not seen in over a year and hardly speaks to. He suspects shes cheating on him since she is always busy and never calls him back. Despite believing this,he hasnt broken up with her and even put up her picture in his room. A few weeks ago we got into a discussion about relationships and he asked me what i go for in a guy. He invited me to sit close to him on the bed,then he tried to kiss me so i got up and he told me that he was just lonely,so i asked if were friends but he only said his roommate was my friend so i left. After that night things between us became strained. We were hardly talking. Lately he has been hanging around this other girl,and its really getting to me. He calls her pet names when im around and flirts with her (by the way she is one of those girls known 'intimately' by some guys around campus and the guy called her a slut once before all this). What im confused about is i like him and im jealous when i see him with that girl. But then again i know he has feelings for me and my friend also told me yesterday she noticed that he likes me. How do i let him know i like him but wont date him unless he was single-dont want to help him cheat. Also im not ready for sex until i get married,how do i communicate this to him clearly? And how do i approach him with pride and dignity about this situation? Both of us are christians by the way!

Answer
You said “He has a girlfriend in another city, & has a picture of her in his room, yet he invited you to sit close to him on the bed, then he tried to kiss you, because you refused his advances he’s hanging around this other girl now, calling her pet names & flirting with her when you’re around”

He doesn’t sound like a “Christian” to me, personally I think you’ve had a lucky escape, he is a player, he wants sex that’s quite obvious, when you didn’t give him what he was after, he moved on to someone who will.


You also said  “ Im jealous when i see him with that girl, i know he has feelings for me”

He wants you to be jealous, so that you will lower your standards & have sex with him, don’t be fooled by men like him, if he had true feelings for you, he wouldn’t treat you like that, do you really want to go out with a guy that cheats on his girlfriend & hangs about with women known as “sluts”?

Then you said “im not ready for sex until i get married, how do i communicate this to him clearly?

You already did :¬) loud & clear by leaving the room that night, think about it , he sat & told you “he’s lonely” it’s the oldest line in the book, he wanted you that night & you blew him off, give yourself a pat on the back & find a decent lad, one who actually acts like real Christian.

I quote from our bible based articles now—“Sexual morality does make sense because those who hold to it have a far better likelihood of a successful marriage. This is because they have kept marriage in high regard, respecting God’s arrangement and respecting their future mates and their mutual right to receive a clean partner in marriage”

Love based solely on passion is not an enduring love. It is a selfish, greedy love. That kind of love is well illustrated in the Bible by the case of one of David’s sons, named Amnon. He “fell in love” with his beautiful half sister Tamar. Then, through trickery, he forced her into having relations with him. After that, what? The record tells us: “And Amnon began hating her with a very great hatred, because the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her.” He sent her out into the street. (2 Samuel 13:1-19) Now, if you are a young woman, should you naďvely think that, because some boy expresses passionate love for you and wants you to have relations with him, this means he sincerely loves you? He may very well turn out to be just as Amnon was.

The Bible tells us that the wife of Egyptian officer Potiphar expressed the same kind of interest in young Joseph, who served in their house. When he resisted all her attempts to seduce him, she then showed her true colors. She viciously lied to her husband about Joseph, causing him to be unjustly imprisoned.—Genesis 39:7-20.

If you want to stay free from immorality, then stay free from the things that lead to it: conversation that always dwells on the opposite sex, also reading material or pictures that have only one aim—to excite sexual passion. Keep your mind, your eyes and your tongue occupied with clean, positive things, working toward worthwhile goals that bring enduring benefits and that leave no shame or heartache.

Above all, strengthen your knowledge and appreciation of your Creator and of the rightness and wisdom of his ways. Look to him in prayer and fix your heart on the things he promises to those who serve him. You can hold firmly to the course of sexual morality if you really want to, for Jehovah God and his Son will give you the strength you need to do it” (end article).

all the best
Brenda