Expert: Carl Fuglein - 11/8/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hi, Ive been reading a lot of your answers to people concerning sex and masturbation, and I think you're the right person for me to ask some of my questions.

I have many and dont no where to begin. I'm twenty, and I'm single; have not been in a relationship for a little over a year. Ive been baptized as well.

One of the problems I have is that I fantasize a lot. And this takes up considerable amount of time.. Its usually about being married and well having sex and such. Ive been trying to stop. Usually I do for some time then I fall back into it most times unconciously.

When I was a little younger (before I was baptised) I used to look at porn an I did sometimes after as well. Like 2 weeks ago after I looked at some, I ended up masturbated. And in between I felt really bad.. and I forced myself to stop right then... then somehow I knew tht it was because of my fantasizing that I ended up lookin at porn and then masturbating... Like i was feeding my desires and the more I fed it the more it wanted.

All my fantasizing has been about being married and having sex. I really really do want to get married one day ( I consider myself a hopeless romantic... that is also really old school and a bit more traditional) But Im here thinking that all my fantasizing has changed my conception of what marriage is or what it should be. Or maybe I never knew what it meant in the first place.

Subconciously I think I think that marraige is just about sex., after all I decided to wait til marriage to have sex. So it would seem so. By the way, I am a virgin... but (im ashamed to say) not when it comes to morals and such. Ive only not had vaginal intercourse.

Marriage was created for reproduction right? Then can I say it was made for sex? Then is my conception of what it is wrong? Or is it as I think lacking something? What or why do we get married?

ANSWER: Quick answwer to the last question.  I will answer others probably Monday - I've got a full day of church tomorrow, and it's waaaaay past my bedtime.

Marriage was created for reproduction AND companionship.  It's not made for sex only.  You get married hopefully because you're in love emotionally, spiritually AND physically.  The most important sex organ is your brain.  Sex covers all the bases - it is emotional, spiritual, physical; it's for enjoyment (inside a committed marriage relationship) AND reproduction.  Basically, you can have a marriage without sex, but you should not have sex without marriage.

I'll write more on Monday.

Blessings,

Carl


Hi, I've got more time now.

Fantasizing can be a harmless diversion.  I do it sometimes, and so do most people.  But when fantasizing progresses to watching porn and masturbation on a regular basis, then it can become harmful.  Both can become addictive, and then your brain begins to think that that's the best type of sex, which I assure you, it is not.  You need to find a way to stop, and I don't have the answers for that, wish I did, I could write a book and get rich.  The most important thing you can do is learn from any 12 step program - you CAN stop for just one day, today, and that's all you need to do.  I've not been addicted to porn or masturbation, but I have been addicted to prescription drugs (valium - I've been clean for 35 years).  Just ask God for help in stopping today.

As for your sexual past - God has already forgiven you and is pleased that you are waiting for marriage for intercourse.

I think you could benefit from speaking with a trusted, married, female (your mom, maybe an aunt or former teacher or counselor, a pastor, a co-worker, a girlfriend, etc) about marriage - what their expectations were and how they turned out, their opinions on sex, etc.  Not everyone will want to talk about that, but some will.  Your feelings about marriage being all about sex is wrong.  You cannot base a marriage just on sex - it is about so much more.  An old saying says - "looks don't last, good cooking does."  It applies to sex, too.  The sex may be great, but if you don't have a deep spiritual and emotional relationship, the marriage will not last just on sex.

I hope I've helped.  Please take the time to rate my answer, and if you ahve any additional questions, please don't hesitate to ask.

Blessings,

Carl


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for the reply... I appreciated the first reply a lot. You were busy but you still offered up something even jus somethin for me to think about.

I dont have a lot of people in my circle who are married much less who I trust. I guess I'll keep thinkin about it and when the time arises (if I do get engaged to be married) I'll make sure I ask before I make that decision to get married.

K, well okay... my other questions. It is gonna be 2 years since I got baptised, and well, I feel like I should never have been in the first place. Not because I regret it or anythin but I feel as though Ive been worse off since I did. Ive made all the worse choices since I did. It feels more condemning wen you've given your life to Christ and sin, than when you havent and sin.

U said he already forgave me, and I know that because thats what the bible teaches us. And its even worse when we beat ourselves about somethin and God has already forgiven us right? But I mean, how can he really forgive me when I keep doin the same things over and over? And I mean, knowing that he keeps forgiving me really doesnt help when I think about it.

I feel really guilty, and the more I feel guilty about something, I feel down. Then I feel better... But then after that I jus stray an go into old habits, then the cycle begins.

Anyway, yes, ive prayed (countless times) to stop the fantasizing. Then i do, sometimes even for months. Then I do it again. I think I need to now focus on not doing it again, because I got the stoppin down.

Ive decided that I should try to keep preoccupied by spending time with God. Then I think, what does that even mean? When I pray sometimes I pray like im talkin to some friend on the phone. So what should I be doin jus talkin to him more? Studying the bible more? thats a task by itself. What constitutes spending time with God?

I havent been going to church anymore either. I am goin to start back though, really soon I hope.

Answer
Hi Kay,

You said:  I don't have a lot of people in my circle who are married much less who I trust. I guess I'll keep thinking about it and when the time arises (if I do get engaged to be married# I'll make sure I ask before I make that decision to get married.

I think it's important that you do this.  I rarely recommend anything on TV, but I'd like you to watch a show for me - Parenthood.  This family is a little dysfunctional, but it accurately portrays some of what marriage and family is like.  Watch a couple shows.

My view of my marriage #we've been married 42 years# is this:  my wife is my best friend.  I would rather sit on the couch with her than anyone else.  She gets me, and I get her.  We finish each other's sentences.  We've always had a healthy sex life, although it has slowed down due to our health issues.  But we still cuddle, talk to each other, and share our feelings.  We enjoy many of the same things - museums of all kinds, the zoo, travelling #we've been to 49 states, 5 countries together (I've been to 2 more##.  We enjoy the theater, football #seasons tickets to the Voodoo Arena football team#.  Etc, etc.  We go to church together & pray together.  We do some things separately, but not many.  For a few years, we even took separate "vacations" - I went to a youth ministry convention, she went to a Meals on Wheels convention#  We raised our child together and introduced her to travelling #she's been to 25 states - still working on it##  We've known her husband since he was 16 #they were High school sweethearts##  And oh, btw, we had sex a few times#  Marriage is about living together, cleaning together, going on trips together, cooking together, and just hanging out with each other#  Sex is an enjoyable, & fun diversion, but in the overall scheme of things, it's not much compared to everything else#



You said:  K, well okay### my other questions# It is gonna be 2 years since I got baptised, and well, I feel like I should never have been in the first place# Not because I regret it or anythin but I feel as though Ive been worse off since I did# Ive made all the worse choices since I did# It feels more condemning wen you've given your life to Christ and sin, than when you havent and sin# U said he already forgave me, and I know that because thats what the bible teaches us# And its even worse when we beat ourselves about somethin and God has already forgiven us right? But I mean, how can he really forgive me when I keep doin the same things over and over? And I mean, knowing that he keeps forgiving me really doesnt help when I think about it#


Well, I kinda have to chuckle about this, no offense#  The fact that you got baptized and accepted Christ is the reason why you are feeling guilty - God is trying to tell you to stop#  If you didn't believe in God, you wouldn't be guilty now, would you?  Nope, you'd just go sinning and not pay any attention to it#  God knows you're a sinner, we all are#  I, too, do things I don't want to do and shouldn't do#  I ask forgiveness and sometimes start doing it again immediately#  The fact that you are forgiven shouldn't make you feel bad, it should make you fell better and clean#


you said:  Ive decided that I should try to keep preoccupied by spending time with God# Then I think, what does that even mean? When I pray sometimes I pray like im talkin to some friend on the phone# So what should I be doin jus talkin to him more? Studying the bible more? thats a task by itself# What constitutes spending time with God?

Good idea#  Try reading the Bible#  Before you read it, ask the Holy Spirit to help you understand it#  There are parts of the Bible that are BORING #Leviticus, Numbers, some of the prophets#, but you ought to read them anyway#  Get "The Bible for Dummies" and/or "The complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible" from Amazon:  

http://www#amazon#com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Bib

Each is only about $ 1#50 used + $4 shipping#  It will help you understand the Bible better and the complete story of the Bible#  Also, you may want to consider a 1-year Bible#  

http://www#amazon#com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Bib


Get a Bible you can read - I recommend the New Living Translation or New International Version or The Message.  You can find them on Amazon, too.

Spend time praying and meditating.  Try and clear your mind to listen for God.  The thoughts God places in your brain are real.  You can even try yoga, that will help you listen for God.



You said:  I havent been going to church anymore either. I am goin to start back though, really soon I hope.

This is the best idea you have.  Go to church, join a young adults group #or start one if there isn't one#, join a Sunday School class or Bible Study.  Go and be yourself and admit that you are a new Christian.  Talk to the pastor.  There will be help for you, and if there isn't, go to another church until you find one you like.



Kay, you've already taken the first step by talking to me.  The next steps will be shorter.  I firmly believe that God has a plan for your life #read Jeremiah 29:11#.  


Blessings,

Carl

Feel free to write again if you still have questions.  We can continue this conversation as long as you'd like to.