Expert: Carl Fuglein - 2/4/2011

Question
QUESTION: My daughter is 11 and attends a youth group through our church. Her youth pastor is 23. He was asking on FB, which she is on, under my supervision, right or wrong in your opinion (not my question), we were hoping to use it(FB)as an outreach. My question is, her youth pastor was asking for ideas for a new tattoo, he has several, and I think they are all religious. Other than a youth minister engaging in tattooing, I just think it's dumb to mark your body, your temple so to speak, and I really don't want to be part of my brothers stumbling in the case of changing their minds in the future, possible infections and bad artistry. Also in case he or she would choose other art, other than religious art. My daughter thinks he's really cool and a lot of fun, I feel most children are very impressionable at this age. I am not looking forward to a conversation about her wanting a tattoo because her youth minister thinks they are cool. What do you think? Part 2 of the same question: Her youth minister was once a cutter, I am concerned that he has replaced his addiction to pain with another form of mutilation. Because of other concerns I have for our Church the Minister over our church and I do not have a good re pore, I read an article that you responded to, and I didn't feel you have any objections to tattoos other than infections. I still feel very strongly about this. What do you think? Thanking you in advance for your time. Concerned Mother!

ANSWER: I don't think it is appropriate for a youth pastor to be asking an 11 year old ideas for a tattoo, not at all.  FB is okay for youth ministers to use, but only for encouragement or answering cultural or spiritual questions (much like I do on All Experts).  any engagement in a conversation of a serious, or semi-serious nature, I don't think is appropriate, both for his protection as well as your daughters.  At 23, he probably needs to have the senior pastor remind him that your daughter is young and impressionable along with the rest of his youth group.

If your youth minister is flaunting his tattooss and encouraging his group to get them, that is wrong.  Tattoos are a personal decision.  I personally have nothing against them as long as they are not demonic, violent, or offensive.  All my neices and nephews, and my daughter, have tattoos.  I do not, although I have thought about a small religious one.

It is not your place to make a determination if your youth minister is replacing cutting with tattoos.  It's possible, but quite frankly, until it directly affects your child, it's not any of your business - it is the business of the senior pastor or an oversight committee to ensure that he is mentally stable or in therapy.

As for your daughter getting a tattoo, BE THE MOM!  Tell her there will be no discussion of it.  When she's 18 she can make her own decision, but she legally needs your permission to get one, and you are fully within your right to say NOT ON YOUR LIFE!  Especially at age 11.  I do not disapprove of tattoos, but I still think it's up to mom and dad to decide until a child turns 18.  There are some 16 year olds that I probably would think it would be okay, but again, I would never overturn the desires of a parent.

Hope this helps,

Carl


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Carl, thank you for your prompt response....I hope you don't mind allowing me to vent, I tend to be tiring to some. I allowed my daughter to accept his friend request, realizing that what comes to her page also goes out to his 500 other friends, and as his career of youth ministry, it would basically be for encouragement, so it was not intentionally directed at her. But she sees the post, and of course, could chime in with her ideas. Which she has none at this point in time because trust me, I am the mom! I find it's much easier to nip things in the bud.
Flaunting.... I don't know, Let's just say he is proud and does not hide them. He actually mentors a 16 yr old boy with family issues, that has came to live with him. I do feel I am my brothers keeper, so when you said it was none of my business, I truly don't know where to file that! I care so deeply for people and their effects on other people. I believe good... can be a domino effect as well as bad. I ask God daily if he would take this from me. I feel HE (God) tells me that people and parents sometimes tend to overlook things, that can be detrimental. It appears that non confrontation is the route people take these days. The more I ask that this cup pass, the more comes my way to discern and be concerned about. I just don't understand wanting all the attention of tattoo especially for a youth minister. I wish I could talk to my Minister but he really seems to protect him and he was the one that brought him to our church. I feel I have a gift of discernment but when people twist that to call it judgment, I get discouraged.
Side note: Dr. Phil says a person until the age of 25 has not a full grown mind-set. May I ask your background for engaging in this type of discussion?....Just a mom on the look-out!

ANSWER: Tammy-

It sounds very difficult for you to accept tattoos.  What, exactly, do you think is wrong with them?  There are scriptures to both support and are against tattoos - can't lay my hands on my book right now.  

Go here:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jay_Bakker

And here:  http://www.willowcreek.com/news/story.asp?id=WN04052001


Jay Bakker, the son of Jim and Tammy Faye, is covered with tattoos, and is one of the most spiritual speakers I've ever heard.  What's on the outside doesn't count.  What's on your heart does.

What exactly are you discerning about this young minister?  Is it just the tattoos?  Or something else?  Have you gone to talk to him?  Maybe that's where you need to start.

Dr. Phil is not the only one.  There has been a lot written about adolescence lasting longer and longer these days.  I've read a little about it, and what I have read makes sense.  But I also buy into the fact that I'm 63 and I'm a better, more mature youth minister than I was when I was 30 when I started.  I think we all mature at different speeds on different items.  I had a student who is now about 25 and a youth minister himself who is about 13 mentally about many things, and more spiritually aware than me.

blessings,
carl



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you Carl for accepting my questions and on going conversation. I guess I just can't get past the tattoes because I feel Jesus lives in me, and I don't need to have a picture of HIM or any other on my arm to represent HIM, or me. I know who I am. It's like a showing off of sorts. I can't see Jesus wearing a pic of Jesus on his arm. Now the youth ministers girlfriend is inquiring about a few tatt's that she is interested in. Just seems for me and my daughter the environment is just to tattoed enriched. I just hope all who they entices to tatt, they will for ever be responsible, for possible blunder's and infections. And them that one day will say, "I wish I would have thought that through more". It seems Jesus was... just not gradiose. Sometimes by your choice, what's on the out side scares off an opportunity. I had thought about talking with him but the devil, or God reminds me, it's none of my business. In my background, I have no confidence but knowing God I do, it still is a struggle for me at times to know which I am to do. I am going to continue to pray about this, I really don't want to be a Debbi Downer. I just once new the controversy to Elvis shaking his hips....and now look at where we are today....I carry responsibility very seriously, if that makes any sense. What is it with overkill? You do not have to answer that, or continue with me but It has really, really helped just being heard. xo

Answer
Tammy-

Society is changing, that's for sure.  When I was growing up, only sailors had tattoos.  Now all my family has them (the next generation anyway).  I think God leads us to live in the world, not of it - that's scriptural.  We have to get along with these people, and love them.  They say that the line between hobby and mental illness is a very thin one.  Many people who have many tats fall into that category I fear.  But again, we have to live with them.

I've given a sermon in which I've set fire to a $100 bill.  Really, burned those suckers to a crisp to the point of being worthless.  The point is, if you're that $100 bill, charred around the edges and all crumpled up, God still wants you.  I've had critics who say that that $100 should be spent to feed the hungry, but consider this - if I bring one, just one, person to Christ because I feel strongly enough to blow away $100, what's more important - bringing that one person to Christ or feeding another?  We ALL need to come to Christ, and it takes different things for different people.  Christ will be glorified because of that young man's tattoos.  Think about that.

And seriously - read Matthew chapter 18 - go to the young man and tell him how you've been offended and want to get to know him better.  It's sure to work.

blessings,
carl