Expert: Carl Fuglein - 3/1/2011

Question
Hello - I'm a sophomore in college and have never had any doubts about my heterosexuality - until recently. I attend a women's college and have never given a second glance at any of the students here, because I've always been confident in my attraction to men. However, I just started taking self defense classes offered by the campus police, and one of the instructors is a woman. She is a lesbian and is pretty attractive, but adopts a more masculine appearance, wearing clothes from the men's department and donning a very short haircut. At first, I just had extreme respect for her (I still do). She has an extremely steadying presence, like she's in complete control. Initially, I couldn't help but feel like if I were ever in trouble, I would want her to be the officer on duty because of her competence and calming presence. But then I started thinking about her more often, wanting to impress her in the self defense classes, and wondering what it might be like to kiss her. Now, I'm definitely not attracted to women in general. There is a distinct difference in the way I feel around women and the way I feel around men. But it does seem like I have a crush on this one woman. It's almost like the best of both worlds - she adopts the appearance of a man, but she has the sensibility and gentleness of a woman (which can be very comforting).

I cannot begin to describe the turmoil I've felt, because I want to honor God in everything that I do, think, and feel. I would never act on my attraction to this woman, but it still troubles me that this attraction is here in the first place. Is this sort of thing common? Is it possible to be attracted not to your own sex, but to just one person of the same sex? Am I dishonoring God? I've asked Him to help me sort out these feelings and point me in the right direction, but I am in a very confused place right now. Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated. Thank you!

Answer
Josie-

If you're a sophomore, and have never had any feelings towards women before, I would think this attraction is probably two-fold - you're probably attracted to her masculine appearance, and you're attracted to her strength and authoritarian presence.

The fact that you're concerned about is also probably a pretty good indication that you know it's wrong and that she's forbidden fruit.  You are not the only heterosexual woman attracted to a Lesbian in any sense of the imagination.  Even guys sometimes joke about it - I told a gay male student of mine (now 28 years old) that I thought his boyfriend was cute, and I do, but I'm not really attracted to him.  

I wouldn't worry about it until such time that you start to watch gay porn or act out on your attraction.  We're all sinners in need of God's grace which is freely given.  This, too, shall pass away, and you'll likely laugh about it some day.  I don't mean to trivialize it, because it obviously concerns you, but I think it will go away with some prayer.  If it doesn't, then find a pastor or youth minister or trusted (really trusted) friend to talk about it with them.

hope this helps,

Blessings,

Carl