Expert: Carl Fuglein - 6/25/2011

Question
im in desperate need of help i can tell that you say the truth, though love lol and i think thats what i need im 14 years old and ive been dating my boyfriend for a 1 year and 4 months we have NOT have any problem with temtaiton of sex up until 3 or 2 months ago no he has not asked me to have sex and he know im a devoded christian so im waiting to have sex until im married and he wants to wait to (so he claims) but im seoriasly starting to doubt that he said that ever since this month started he said the idea of wanting to c a (vigaina) has poped up on his mind and he REALLY WANTS TO get it out of his mind "and his been trying really not to think about it and to take it out of his mind" and he said the only way he could get it of his mind is if he sees it and he said he wants me to show  him mine and of course i freaked out and i cried and told him NO im never going to do osme thing like that and even though i wa so husr and felt like i was taken advantege of he keept telling me that is the only way is was going to get out of his mind i told him you should pray and ask God to take it out of your mind and he said thats the first thing he did and that the thoughts didnt come as offten but he started having dreams about us having sex i didnt know what to tell him except that the devil is just trying to tempt us to do this bad things and trying to break us up this happened yesterday and today finally the fight is over and he hasnt brought it up but i dont know if i should be with him and just pray that this works out becaue ive asked God is his the one ill marry and that same night i had a dream of us in church and that every one knew we were togther and they were fine with that or if i should break up with him i dont want him to come between me and the lord relaiton ship and i dont want him to break me spiritualy so what should i do to fix this? Thank you God bless

Answer
Evelin-

Thanks for writing.  It's a mature thing to do, asking for help.

At the age of 14, you should NOT be considering being naked with your boyfriend.  Not a good idea, as it usually leads to sex.  Your boyfriend dreaming about you two having sex isn't unusal, either.  Teenage boys are wired a lot differently than girls, and all they think about is sex, except for when they are thinking about sports.  Teenage boys pretty much have a one track mind.

Should you stay with him?  Assuming he stops asking, that's up to you.  If he continues to pressure you, than I'd say dump him.  If he doesn't respect you, he's obviously not respecting God.  You may want to consider someone new.

Will the two of you get married?  Doubtful.  Trust me when I tell you that.  In 6 decades of living, I have NEVER met a married couple who started dating at 14.  I DO know of a few who started dating in hs (including my daughter), so that's a possibility, but still slim.

All in all, you need to start thinking of where you draw the line regarding sex.  If you make a decision that you will not go farther than kissing (a wise choice), he has to respect that.  If he doesn't, then he's got to change or (better) you dump him.  If your bf doesn't love Jesus more than he loves you, dump him.

I've written an essay that may help you make some decisions.  Your bf should read it too.  I've enclosed it below.

Please take the time to rate my answer and give me some feedback.

Blessings,

Carl

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Far is Too Far?

By Carl Fuglein
Do you remember the first time you rode a roller coaster?  What emotions went through your mind?  Maybe fear and excitement.  As you got onto the ride, your heart started pumping faster and faster.  The seatbelt was fastened and the bar was lowered.  The ride started and you realized that you were committed to this experience.  As you went up the first hill, you became even more excited and more scared.  Maybe you screamed, "Let me off this ride!" because you lost your nerve. Too late.  You hit the top of the first hill and think, "Omigosh, I'm gonna die!”  Then you rush down that first hill and think, "Wow, what a rush!  That wasn't so bad; in fact, it was kind of fun."  There you go--up and down all the hills.

And when the ride’s over, you want to find a bigger, faster, scarier roller coaster.  Maybe even one that turns you upside down.  If you're like me, you just can't stop riding roller coasters.  You figure out that you're not going to die and that you like the feeling of exhilaration it gives you.  You will find that the first roller coaster just won’t feel the same, once you’re ridden on that bigger, faster, scarier coaster.  Having sex for the first time is a lot like riding a roller coaster—the anticipation, the fear, the expectations, and the feeling that you could die.  However, once you make it through the first time, you’re ready to do it again and again and again. You want bigger, higher, faster, and scarier sex just to get the adrenaline rush you felt the first time you gave your virginity away.  Except when you have sex, you give pieces of yourself away—some of your emotions, some of your heart, and some of the purity that God gave you.   

God gave us the beautiful gift of sex.  He intended it to be used for creating intimacy between a husband and wife as well as for procreation.  (See Gen. 2:21-23, 3:16, and 4:1)  Instead, humans have exploited sex by committing adultery, which includes pre-marital and extra-marital sex, (Exodus 20:14) and even thinking about committing adultery.  (Exodus 20:17)  But what constitutes sex?  This is the actual question that you are asking when you ask “How far is too far?”

There are many reasons why you may be asking this question.  One, you're looking for someone to give you a specific limit.  Two, you're looking for permission to do certain "things" without feeling guilt.  Third, you really don’t know what, in God's eyes, constitutes sex.  Look up these words in the dictionary:  sex; sexual intercourse; coitus.  Still not very clear, is it?  In my dictionary, sexual intercourse has two definitions - one is coitus, the other is "sexual union involving genital contact, but without penile penetration".  But human sexuality is not just physical; it’s also an intellectual, social, ethical and spiritual act with social consequences.

Human sexuality is complex.  It’s been said that women have sex to get love while men give love to get sex.  A commodity traded between two individuals who are using each other as a means to an end.  Women are turned on by emotional intimacy, while men are more aroused by a woman’s appearance.   Does that mean a woman should refrain from intimacy on all levels?  Should a man never look at a woman? It's all part of the human sexuality "dance" leading to sexual union. Humans do all sorts of strange things prior to having sex. When you're older and in a committed marriage relationship, merely "talking" and "cuddling" can constitute sex or at the least, foreplay.

So, we come back to the question again, what is sex?  A couple’s physical relationship might go like this.

1. He sees a pretty girl or she sees a cute guy.  She smiles at him, he smiles at her.
2. They talk, nervously. They both laugh.
3. She tells a friend to tell a friend to tell him that she likes him.
4. He tells a friend to tell a friend to tell her that he likes her back.
5. They talk some more.
6. They go to the library to "study".
7. On the way home, they hold hands.
8. They go out on their first "date".
9. They hold hands, and at the door when he drops her off, he gives her a hug, and maybe even kisses her, once, quickly.
10. They go out again, and maybe kiss twice or nibble on one another’s ear.
11. After they've been going out for a while, they “experiment”, and French kiss.
12. Wow, that was fun, what's next?  Lying down on a couch perhaps, but "just kissing".
13. While still fully clothed, but lying on a bed, he touches her and she touches him.
14. Step 14 is the same as 13, only with buttons unbuttoned and zippers unzipped.
15. Ditto, only maybe without some clothes
16. Ditto again, only with no clothes.  
17. Mutual masturbation. (this might start occurring in step 13)
18. Oral sex. (Could happen as early as step 15)
19.  Protected sexual intercourse.
20.  Unprotected sexual intercourse and perhaps “kinky” sex.

So, at which step is a sin committed?  What is the definition of sex?  Where does being friends end and “friends with benefits” or “sex” begin?  The difference between 1 and 2 is tiny.  The difference between steps 9 and 10 is tiny.  The difference between steps 17 and 18 is tiny.  The difference between steps 1 and 20 is huge.  A couple must consider the step that they together think is a sin, and agree upon it. Pretend that step is a cliff.  If you go that far, you're going to fall off the cliff. Every step after that one will be tiny; but hey, it doesn't matter, because you already fell off the cliff.   

Where should a couple place their cliff?  That's pretty much up to them based on their experience and their morals.  Ninety percent of adults, if they're honest, will tell you that sex is downright fun.  But there is a LOT more to sex than just the physical part.  Sex inside marriage is guilt free.  Outside marriage, it's guilt laden.  Remember that everything you do, along with everyone you do it with, will be in your mind on your wedding night.  If you truly love your bride or groom, wouldn't you want to wait to give it all to them instead of only part of you?  Going all the way will give you emotional baggage that will be extremely hard to empty when you get married, especially if one partner is a virgin, and the other isn't.

Unfortunately, the Bible does not directly mention French kissing; it doesn't mention oral sex, it doesn’t mention masturbation.  Any genital contact, even with clothes on is sex.  Most clinical definitions of sex are just that – any genital contact constitutes sex.  Anything that could lead to the act of making a baby outside of marriage could be a sin. Let me explain, if a step would prepare your body for the act of intercourse, (specifically, causing the male to have an erection and/or the female’s vagina to become wet) it probably should be considered a sin.  For most people, that point would be step 11, French kissing.  For some, it might not happen until step 12 or 13, for others it might start as early as 9 or 10.  Once you get to that point, i.e., real sexual arousal, any labels become meaningless and it becomes more and more difficult to stop – remember those raging hormones.  Your body will be saying “More, More”, and your brain will be saying, “Stop, stop!”  

If you've already stepped off the cliff, don't despair.  There is grace - God loves you and will forgive you.  But you must try very hard not to go there again.  Trust me, there is so much more to marriage than sex.  Sure, sex is great, but being married to your best friend, even without sex, is better.

Finally, consider this.  Pledge to not have sex until marriage.  Write it down.  Sign it. Something like this on an index card:   

“On __________, 2011, I made a pledge to myself and before God to not have sex until my wedding night.  Here’s my signature to prove it.  This card is my wedding gift to you.”

Put that card in your wallet and carry it with you.  Let it get crumpled and bent and worn out.  And on your wedding night, pull it out of your wallet and hand it to your husband or wife.  It’ll be the best present you will ever give your spouse up to that point.  What comes next will be THE best.


Links:

http://www.intervarsity.org/studentsoul/item/why-wait

http://www.unification.net/tfv/tenreasons.html