Expert: Carl Fuglein - 6/23/2011

Question
Okay, so before i get into my questions, I feel like I need to really explain the situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and it has been amazing. Now, my boyfriend is not a Christian because he grew up in a really weird 'Christian' church that told him if he couldn't speak in tounges, then he is not saved. So naturally he was very turned off by that. Since we have been dating, I've been talking to him and showing him what the Bible has to say about all of that and he is really trying hard to understand real Christianity. I've been praying a LOT about it, and I feel that God is really calling to his heart.
  We also talk a lot about our future. While we are pretty young (17 and 19) we are both really mature and understand that it might not be likely. But we really hope to get married one day. We also agree that we want to wait to have sex until marriage. Although he isn't a Christian, he understands that there are many reasons behind waiting.
   So... here is the problem! Everything has been fine and dandy and we've never gotten into trouble as far as our physical relationship goes. The only thing we ever do is kiss a lot and make out (if you want to call it that). But a few days ago, we were kissing, and he started to reach his hand up my shirt to feel my breasts. And I KNOW i should've stopped him then, but I didn't. I honestly liked it a lot. After it happened, both of us immeadiately felt SUPER guilty and embarrassed, and he apologized and we agreed to just pretend it never happened. Which was fine for about 3 hours until it happened again! But this time it wasn't him, I ASKED HIM TO! I feel like SUCH an idiot and I know that is bad, but it really did feel good :(
  So we sat down to talk about it and agreed that something HAS to change STAT or we will be in BIG trouble. So we've agreed to stay out of bedrooms and stick more to public places and whatnot. We also realized that these things (and all other sins) start in your mind, and that we need to be better with our individual thoughts in order to succeed as a couple. So I have a few questions I guess.
1: What are some other things that we might be able to do to help us resist temptation when we are together?
2: How can I fix my own thoughts away from sin and onto the Lord's face? (Because honestly sometimes it just doesn't seem as 'fun')
3: I know I've been a REALLY bad Christian example, so what can I do to fix that? I feel like I could maybe use it as an example of how everyone sins, but God can still forgive but IDK!
and 4: Please pray for us! This is so hard :(

Answer
Amber-

Thanks for writing.  You've made a very mature decision in understanding that you do have sexual temptation, and that you and your bf need some help.  I hope I can.

You said:  1: What are some other things that we might be able to do to help us resist temptation when we are together?

The biggest thing you've already mentioned.  Stay out of the bedroom.  I'm a big proponent of "Explore the world around you."  Look for new and intersting things to do in your hometown and within a couple hours.  Go to museums, even if you don't think you'd like it.  Try stuff before you blow it off.  My wife and I, even after 42 years of marriage, still do this.  We're always looking for something new.  When on a trip, if we see a sign for something - we'll go do it.  The more time and energy you put into expanding your mind is less time for you to make out and worse.  Don't get me wrong - making out is not wrong, but there are limits (more about this later).


2: How can I fix my own thoughts away from sin and onto the Lord's face? (Because honestly sometimes it just doesn't seem as 'fun')

It may not be fun for you now, but have you considered your ultimate prize?  Sin is always wrong, but will always be with us.  Trying to not commit sin is always difficult, too, but generally worth it.  You will continue to sin until you die.  I'm old enough to be your grandfather, and theoretically old enough to be your Great grandfather.  I still sin, sometimes on a daily basis.  And I commit some of the same sins over and over again, but I'm trying.  Just know that you are going on to perfection, and that turning your face to the Lord is not a bad thing and ultimately will bring you joy.


3: I know I've been a REALLY bad Christian example, so what can I do to fix that? I feel like I could maybe use it as an example of how everyone sins, but God can still forgive but IDK!

Trust me, you're not all that bad an example.  Over 50% of people your age have had sex, and the stats are the same for both Christians and non-Christians.  You haven't - keep it that way.  God will forgive you no matter what.  Just ask, and you are forgiven.


4: Please pray for us! This is so hard :(

I will pray for you, and yes, it IS hard.



Some other thoughts-

At 17 and 19, the chance of you getting married isn't totally out of the questions.  My daughter has known her husband since 8th grade, they started dating as seniors in HS, dated throughout college, and then got married.  I know of others who have done that, too.  But, there's always the chance you will both change and move on when you go to college.  All the more reason to not have sex.


I've written an essay about "How Far is Too Far?" that has been well received by both teens and youth ministers.  Read this WITH your boyfriend, and start making some decisions.  Essay is below.  Please take the time to rate my answer and give me some feedback.  Also, let me know if you have any more questions.

Blessings,

Carl


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How Far is Too Far?

By Carl Fuglein
Do you remember the first time you rode a roller coaster?  What emotions went through your mind?  Maybe fear and excitement.  As you got onto the ride, your heart started pumping faster and faster.  The seatbelt was fastened and the bar was lowered.  The ride started and you realized that you were committed to this experience.  As you went up the first hill, you became even more excited and more scared.  Maybe you screamed, "Let me off this ride!" because you lost your nerve. Too late.  You hit the top of the first hill and think, "Omigosh, I'm gonna die!”  Then you rush down that first hill and think, "Wow, what a rush!  That wasn't so bad; in fact, it was kind of fun."  There you go--up and down all the hills.

And when the ride’s over, you want to find a bigger, faster, scarier roller coaster.  Maybe even one that turns you upside down.  If you're like me, you just can't stop riding roller coasters.  You figure out that you're not going to die and that you like the feeling of exhilaration it gives you.  You will find that the first roller coaster just won’t feel the same, once you’re ridden on that bigger, faster, scarier coaster.  Having sex for the first time is a lot like riding a roller coaster—the anticipation, the fear, the expectations, and the feeling that you could die.  However, once you make it through the first time, you’re ready to do it again and again and again. You want bigger, higher, faster, and scarier sex just to get the adrenaline rush you felt the first time you gave your virginity away.  Except when you have sex, you give pieces of yourself away—some of your emotions, some of your heart, and some of the purity that God gave you.   

God gave us the beautiful gift of sex.  He intended it to be used for creating intimacy between a husband and wife as well as for procreation.  (See Gen. 2:21-23, 3:16, and 4:1)  Instead, humans have exploited sex by committing adultery, which includes pre-marital and extra-marital sex, (Exodus 20:14) and even thinking about committing adultery.  (Exodus 20:17)  But what constitutes sex?  This is the actual question that you are asking when you ask “How far is too far?”

There are many reasons why you may be asking this question.  One, you're looking for someone to give you a specific limit.  Two, you're looking for permission to do certain "things" without feeling guilt.  Third, you really don’t know what, in God's eyes, constitutes sex.  Look up these words in the dictionary:  sex; sexual intercourse; coitus.  Still not very clear, is it?  In my dictionary, sexual intercourse has two definitions - one is coitus, the other is "sexual union involving genital contact, but without penile penetration".  But human sexuality is not just physical; it’s also an intellectual, social, ethical and spiritual act with social consequences.

Human sexuality is complex.  It’s been said that women have sex to get love while men give love to get sex.  A commodity traded between two individuals who are using each other as a means to an end.  Women are turned on by emotional intimacy, while men are more aroused by a woman’s appearance.   Does that mean a woman should refrain from intimacy on all levels?  Should a man never look at a woman? It's all part of the human sexuality "dance" leading to sexual union. Humans do all sorts of strange things prior to having sex. When you're older and in a committed marriage relationship, merely "talking" and "cuddling" can constitute sex or at the least, foreplay.

So, we come back to the question again, what is sex?  A couple’s physical relationship might go like this.

1. He sees a pretty girl or she sees a cute guy.  She smiles at him, he smiles at her.
2. They talk, nervously. They both laugh.
3. She tells a friend to tell a friend to tell him that she likes him.
4. He tells a friend to tell a friend to tell her that he likes her back.
5. They talk some more.
6. They go to the library to "study".
7. On the way home, they hold hands.
8. They go out on their first "date".
9. They hold hands, and at the door when he drops her off, he gives her a hug, and maybe even kisses her, once, quickly.
10. They go out again, and maybe kiss twice or nibble on one another’s ear.
11. After they've been going out for a while, they “experiment”, and French kiss.
12. Wow, that was fun, what's next?  Lying down on a couch perhaps, but "just kissing".
13. While still fully clothed, but lying on a bed, he touches her and she touches him.
14. Step 14 is the same as 13, only with buttons unbuttoned and zippers unzipped.
15. Ditto, only maybe without some clothes
16. Ditto again, only with no clothes.  
17. Mutual masturbation. (this might start occurring in step 13)
18. Oral sex. (Could happen as early as step 15)
19.  Protected sexual intercourse.
20.  Unprotected sexual intercourse and perhaps “kinky” sex.

So, at which step is a sin committed?  What is the definition of sex?  Where does being friends end and “friends with benefits” or “sex” begin?  The difference between 1 and 2 is tiny.  The difference between steps 9 and 10 is tiny.  The difference between steps 17 and 18 is tiny.  The difference between steps 1 and 20 is huge.  A couple must consider the step that they together think is a sin, and agree upon it. Pretend that step is a cliff.  If you go that far, you're going to fall off the cliff. Every step after that one will be tiny; but hey, it doesn't matter, because you already fell off the cliff.   

Where should a couple place their cliff?  That's pretty much up to them based on their experience and their morals.  Ninety percent of adults, if they're honest, will tell you that sex is downright fun.  But there is a LOT more to sex than just the physical part.  Sex inside marriage is guilt free.  Outside marriage, it's guilt laden.  Remember that everything you do, along with everyone you do it with, will be in your mind on your wedding night.  If you truly love your bride or groom, wouldn't you want to wait to give it all to them instead of only part of you?  Going all the way will give you emotional baggage that will be extremely hard to empty when you get married, especially if one partner is a virgin, and the other isn't.

Unfortunately, the Bible does not directly mention French kissing; it doesn't mention oral sex, it doesn’t mention masturbation.  Any genital contact, even with clothes on is sex.  Most clinical definitions of sex are just that – any genital contact constitutes sex.  Anything that could lead to the act of making a baby outside of marriage could be a sin. Let me explain, if a step would prepare your body for the act of intercourse, (specifically, causing the male to have an erection and/or the female’s vagina to become wet) it probably should be considered a sin.  For most people, that point would be step 11, French kissing.  For some, it might not happen until step 12 or 13, for others it might start as early as 9 or 10.  Once you get to that point, i.e., real sexual arousal, any labels become meaningless and it becomes more and more difficult to stop – remember those raging hormones.  Your body will be saying “More, More”, and your brain will be saying, “Stop, stop!”  

If you've already stepped off the cliff, don't despair.  There is grace - God loves you and will forgive you.  But you must try very hard not to go there again.  Trust me, there is so much more to marriage than sex.  Sure, sex is great, but being married to your best friend, even without sex, is better.

Finally, consider this.  Pledge to not have sex until marriage.  Write it down.  Sign it. Something like this on an index card:   

“On __________, 2011, I made a pledge to myself and before God to not have sex until my wedding night.  Here’s my signature to prove it.  This card is my wedding gift to you.”

Put that card in your wallet and carry it with you.  Let it get crumpled and bent and worn out.  And on your wedding night, pull it out of your wallet and hand it to your husband or wife.  It’ll be the best present you will ever give your spouse up to that point.  What comes next will be THE best.


Links:

http://www.intervarsity.org/studentsoul/item/why-wait

http://www.unification.net/tfv/tenreasons.html