Expert: Carl Fuglein - 9/4/2011

Question
I am 16 and I've been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months. Recently, we've been getting more and more intimate. In the moment, I never feel like it's too far. We have basically done everything except for actual vaginal penetration. He's been out of town for a few days and I haven't seen him for a week or so. During this time, the guilt and shame has really started to get to me. 5 months ago I NEVER would have seen myself doing any of this. I know it's immoral and wrong and stupid of me and if any of my friends told me they were in a similar situation, I would have encouraged them to get out and stop what they were doing. So along with the guilt and shame I also feel incredibly hypocritical. I know what I'm doing is wrong and I wish I could take it back to when we just made out, because that wasn't too far for me. I know God will forgive me. So I guess what I'm asking is how can I forgive myself? I really do love my boyfriend and I know I can stop going too far, and I'm going to talk to him and stop it the next time I talk to him and see him. But I'm just really having a hard time dealing with myself because I can't take back what I've done. I'm not depressive or suicidal or anything like that. I'm just really, really ashamed of myself. It's always in the back of my mind whenever I'm talking to my mom or one of my friends, just how shocked they would be and disappointed if they knew what I had done. I keep trying to make it a little better by telling myself that at least I'm still a virgin, but by Christian, moral, chaste standards, I know I'm not. I just don't know what to do. I feel really lost. As much as I'd like to think I have something really special with this guy, I don't know the plans the Lord has for me, and who I will end up with. I'm really dreading the possibility of telling a different man of my past with another guy. If I was dating someone who hadn't saved their complete self for me and I found out, it would be devastating to me. If there is any advice or help you could give  me, please do. I know what I did was wrong and I really want to turn it around. But the fact that I can't undo my past is really getting to me. I'm also scared for my health. We haven't had sex, and my mouth has not touched his genital region. His mouth has touched my breasts, and my vaginal area. I'm incredibly embarrassed and ashamed to say all of this, but I am worried. Is there any way I could have contracted something from that? I feel so stupid knowing I could have prevented any worry like this, and I didn't.

Answer
Maggie-

Thanks for writing to me.  It took courage for you to do that and admit what you've done, and I'm proud of you for taking the step to get back on the right road.

God has already forgiven you.  Forgiving ourselves is very difficult, but we have to realize that if God has forgiven us, that should be enough.  I wish I had other words to give you, but since you have confessed to God, you ARE forgiven.  Just try to focus on the future and pledge to be pure from now until you are married.  I've enclosed my essay on How Far is Too Far, and it may be too late for you, but you can still fill out a purity pledge and date it today.

It's unrealistic to expect a future spouse to be a virgin, especially since you have considerable sexual experience.  But think of it this way - if you find someone who has similar experience as yourself, you'll probably share the guilt and can help each other through it.  And then again, you might find a virgin spouse who is very forgiving.  I think the key here is intent - you didn't intend to go as far as you did, you just did.  Just don't do it again.

I would say you're probably not at high rish for an STD unless your bf has one.  I'm hoping that he doesn't.  If he does have an STD, it's possible, although unlikely, that he gave it to you through mouth/vaginal contact.  I would ask him if he's had other partners.  If not, he definitely does NOT have an STD.

I pray that you will start to forgive yourself.  I know it's difficult, but you have to do it to get on with your life.

Please take the time to rate my answer.

My essay is below.

blessings,

carl

How Far is Too Far?

By Carl Fuglein
Do you remember the first time you rode a roller coaster?  What emotions went through your mind?  Maybe fear and excitement.  As you got onto the ride, your heart started pumping faster and faster.  The seatbelt was fastened and the bar was lowered.  The ride started and you realized that you were committed to this experience.  As you went up the first hill, you became even more excited and more scared.  Maybe you screamed, "Let me off this ride!" because you lost your nerve. Too late.  You hit the top of the first hill and think, "Omigosh, I'm gonna die!”  Then you rush down that first hill and think, "Wow, what a rush!  That wasn't so bad; in fact, it was kind of fun."  There you go--up and down all the hills.

And when the ride’s over, you want to find a bigger, faster, scarier roller coaster.  Maybe even one that turns you upside down.  If you're like me, you just can't stop riding roller coasters.  You figure out that you're not going to die and that you like the feeling of exhilaration it gives you.  You will find that the first roller coaster just won’t feel the same, once you’re ridden on that bigger, faster, scarier coaster.  Having sex for the first time is a lot like riding a roller coaster—the anticipation, the fear, the expectations, and the feeling that you could die.  However, once you make it through the first time, you’re ready to do it again and again and again. You want bigger, higher, faster, and scarier sex just to get the adrenaline rush you felt the first time you gave your virginity away.  Except when you have sex, you give pieces of yourself away—some of your emotions, some of your heart, and some of the purity that God gave you.   

God gave us the beautiful gift of sex.  He intended it to be used for creating intimacy between a husband and wife as well as for procreation.  (See Gen. 2:21-23, 3:16, and 4:1)  Instead, humans have exploited sex by committing adultery, which includes pre-marital and extra-marital sex, (Exodus 20:14) and even thinking about committing adultery.  (Exodus 20:17)  But what constitutes sex?  This is the actual question that you are asking when you ask “How far is too far?”

There are many reasons why you may be asking this question.  One, you're looking for someone to give you a specific limit.  Two, you're looking for permission to do certain "things" without feeling guilt.  Third, you really don’t know what, in God's eyes, constitutes sex.  Look up these words in the dictionary:  sex; sexual intercourse; coitus.  Still not very clear, is it?  In my dictionary, sexual intercourse has two definitions - one is coitus, the other is "sexual union involving genital contact, but without penile penetration".  But human sexuality is not just physical; it’s also an intellectual, social, ethical and spiritual act with social consequences.

Human sexuality is complex.  It’s been said that women have sex to get love while men give love to get sex.  A commodity traded between two individuals who are using each other as a means to an end.  Women are turned on by emotional intimacy, while men are more aroused by a woman’s appearance.   Does that mean a woman should refrain from intimacy on all levels?  Should a man never look at a woman? It's all part of the human sexuality "dance" leading to sexual union. Humans do all sorts of strange things prior to having sex. When you're older and in a committed marriage relationship, merely "talking" and "cuddling" can constitute sex or at the least, foreplay.

So, we come back to the question again, what is sex?  A couple’s physical relationship might go like this.

1. He sees a pretty girl or she sees a cute guy.  She smiles at him, he smiles at her.
2. They talk, nervously. They both laugh.
3. She tells a friend to tell a friend to tell him that she likes him.
4. He tells a friend to tell a friend to tell her that he likes her back.
5. They talk some more.
6. They go to the library to "study".
7. On the way home, they hold hands.
8. They go out on their first "date".
9. They hold hands, and at the door when he drops her off, he gives her a hug, and maybe even kisses her, once, quickly.
10. They go out again, and maybe kiss twice or nibble on one another’s ear.
11. After they've been going out for a while, they “experiment”, and French kiss.
12. Wow, that was fun, what's next?  Lying down on a couch perhaps, but "just kissing".
13. While still fully clothed, but lying on a bed, he touches her and she touches him.
14. Step 14 is the same as 13, only with buttons unbuttoned and zippers unzipped.
15. Ditto, only maybe without some clothes
16. Ditto again, only with no clothes.  
17. Mutual masturbation. (this might start occurring in step 13)
18. Oral sex. (Could happen as early as step 15)
19.  Protected sexual intercourse.
20.  Unprotected sexual intercourse and perhaps “kinky” sex.

So, at which step is a sin committed?  What is the definition of sex?  Where does being friends end and “friends with benefits” or “sex” begin?  The difference between 1 and 2 is tiny.  The difference between steps 9 and 10 is tiny.  The difference between steps 17 and 18 is tiny.  The difference between steps 1 and 20 is huge.  A couple must consider the step that they together think is a sin, and agree upon it. Pretend that step is a cliff.  If you go that far, you're going to fall off the cliff. Every step after that one will be tiny; but hey, it doesn't matter, because you already fell off the cliff.   

Where should a couple place their cliff?  That's pretty much up to them based on their experience and their morals.  Ninety percent of adults, if they're honest, will tell you that sex is downright fun.  But there is a LOT more to sex than just the physical part.  Sex inside marriage is guilt free.  Outside marriage, it's guilt laden.  Remember that everything you do, along with everyone you do it with, will be in your mind on your wedding night.  If you truly love your bride or groom, wouldn't you want to wait to give it all to them instead of only part of you?  Going all the way will give you emotional baggage that will be extremely hard to empty when you get married, especially if one partner is a virgin, and the other isn't.

Unfortunately, the Bible does not directly mention French kissing; it doesn't mention oral sex, it doesn’t mention masturbation.  Any genital contact, even with clothes on is sex.  Most clinical definitions of sex are just that – any genital contact constitutes sex.  Anything that could lead to the act of making a baby outside of marriage could be a sin. Let me explain, if a step would prepare your body for the act of intercourse, (specifically, causing the male to have an erection and/or the female’s vagina to become wet) it probably should be considered a sin.  For most people, that point would be step 11, French kissing.  For some, it might not happen until step 12 or 13, for others it might start as early as 9 or 10.  Once you get to that point, i.e., real sexual arousal, any labels become meaningless and it becomes more and more difficult to stop – remember those raging hormones.  Your body will be saying “More, More”, and your brain will be saying, “Stop, stop!”  

If you've already stepped off the cliff, don't despair.  There is grace - God loves you and will forgive you.  But you must try very hard not to go there again.  Trust me, there is so much more to marriage than sex.  Sure, sex is great, but being married to your best friend, even without sex, is better.

Finally, consider this.  Pledge to not have sex until marriage.  Write it down.  Sign it. Something like this on an index card:   

“On __________, 2011, I made a pledge to myself and before God to not have sex until my wedding night.  Here’s my signature to prove it.  This card is my wedding gift to you.”

Put that card in your wallet and carry it with you.  Let it get crumpled and bent and worn out.  And on your wedding night, pull it out of your wallet and hand it to your husband or wife.  It’ll be the best present you will ever give your spouse up to that point.  What comes next will be THE best.


Links:

http://www.intervarsity.org/studentsoul/item/why-wait

http://www.unification.net/tfv/tenreasons.html