Christianity --Youth Issues/Forgiveness
Hello Pastor Don Carpenter,
I wrote this question out as a question/expression of my feelings entwined.
I carry this hurt inside of me and I know its not good for me. But the pain I feel is deep. I know I should let go off these feeling and let God help me forgive; but this is truly a mission I am facing. A mission which definitely feels impossible.
As a Christian I should forgive others for whatever wrong they do, that I may be forgiven also; but I'm finding it really hard to put that into practice.
I am 20years old and my boyfriend is 21. We have been together for about 8 years. I am very serous about him to the point of me wanting to get married to him. He means a lot to me. I can tell you it's not been easy. During the years we have broken up and gotten back together. I am a virgin and he is not. At the beginning of our relationship, he cheated on me and had 2 children with 2 different girls (whilst we were together). However, i realised why he did this. He was young, stupid and didn't know what he wanted. He also knew he was not going to get any form of sexual relations from me and i guess the peer pressure didn't help. Anyway i forgave him and decided to stay with him.
Anyway years passed, every time we broke up he would be with someone else and so would I. In my life I have been with 3 guys (including him) but because I want to stay a virgin until I get married, physically, I would only go as far as kissing them and holding hands. However, when he was with other girls, he would sleep with the girls he was with.
Now I know I have no right to be angry with him because we had broken up, but I can't help but feel betrayed and hurt. Although we would both be with other people, we would still talk everyday and he would tell me that he still loves me. For him to go as far as sleeping with other girls is painful because I loved him. And it hurts me to know that we would break up and he would use that time to sleep with another person, as though i didn't matter to him. What hurts even more is the fact that me and him haven't shared that with each other (making love). I would have thought he would want to wait for me and only me. If he loves me how could he sleep with someone else? if he loves me why would he want to?
We properly got back together properly one year ago. But, now sometimes when I kiss him, all I can see is him and someone else having sex. It just makes me feel sick and not stand the sight of him. A few weeks ago I broke up with him because he told me about other girls he slept with at the beginning of our relationship; excluding the 2 baby mamas. In addition to that he said that for the first 3 years of our relationship, every-time we had an argument, he would sleep with one of his baby mama. He said the last time he slept with her was 5 years ago on CHRISTMAS!
I have always thought that he was honest with me but when he told me this, i just couldnt believe it. He said that it was harder to tell me because it happened a long time ago and he didnt want to hurt me with something that didnt mean anything to him. I cant take it anymore. I just cant do it. why would he hurt me sooo much after everything? If he wasn't serious about our relationship then, how can i believe he is serious now? In the past he told me he was serious about me, but then I found out he was sleeping around. So just as I said if he wasn't serious then, how can i believe that he is serous now?
I have forgiven and forgotten a lot in our relationship. The children, the baby mamas, and some other girls he cheated on me with in the beginning of our relationship. I can't keep doing this. Everytime we break up, i don't want to keep wondering who he is sleeping with now.
He says that I am the most important person in his life including his children and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. But its easier said than done. I used to think he was always honest with me throughout our relationship. But when I found out about the other girls, i realised how much he lied to me. It just showed me how wrong I was to ever have trusted him with my heart. I give and give and give. All I get is being hurt and feeling unappreciated.
Lately he has tried to make things right and gain my trust back. But I don't think I can forgive him. I really want to but I can't. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about everything he has done, even the stuff that happened many years ago and it still hurts. To him all this unfaithfullnes is old news because it happened 5 years ago, but to me its not old news. I just found out a few weeks ago that is why it still hurt.
I feel like i have taken soooooo much from him. Forgiving him for all the times he has done me wrong.
He will never know the feelings that I am feel. He says he understands but the truth is he will never truly know unless it happens to him. He says that I am not the only person that has been hurt because i have been with other guys. But how can he compare his act of having sex with other girls against my act of kissing & holding hands? He said the reason why is because he knows how much I value intimate touches (kissing & holding hands). I do not let just anyone do that, and that is why he is also hurt. But again I say, how can he compare sleeping with those girls as the same as kissing?
I understand that to some people sex is just sex, but to me it is sacred. And should not be devalued. That is why i feel betrayed. I don't know what to do. I want to forgive him and move on with our lives. I love him soooo much but I just can't seem to let the past it all go.
I carry this hurt inside of me and I know its not good for me. But the pain I feel is deep. I know I should let go of these feeling and let God help me forgive; but this is truly a mission I am facing. A mission which definitely feels impossible.
I thank you for taking the time out to read this and I look forward to hearing from you.
God bless you,
Thank you so much for this very touching question. I am sorry you are going through this. It looks like you are confusing forgiveness with trust. Nowhere in the Bible do we find that we are to forgive and forget. Forgiveness is our surrender of our claim of retribution on the offender for the hurt they have caused. Whatever he did to you in the past, you need to surrender to God for payback and justice... this is forgiveness.
Romans 12:18–21 (AV)
18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. 20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. 21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.
It looks like this guy has not just fallen once... but has a pattern here and still makes excuses that what he did is not all that bad... I think your gut feeling that there is something wrong is accurate... you can forgive him,... but I don't think it may be wise to trust your future to him.