Expert: Pastor Don Carpenter - 12/30/2007

Question
My name is KT i am a 25 yr old senior in college. While i am away at college i make my own decsions such as how late to stay out,who i go out with(whether it be just friends or a potential dates)and just general everyday decsion such as what to eat for dinner. The problem is the minute i go home for the weekend of for the various breaks we get from school it is like im 12 yrs old all over again. When i am at home with my mother my freedom is severly limited.My mother has always been over protective of me and you would think that it would have gotten better as i have gotten older well it hasnt. For example when i am at home it is a great big production when i want to go out or do anything with any of my friends.She say she doesnt trust my friends because they like what she calls "mess" (whatever that is). My friends have never given me a reason not to associate with them and in my many years(at least 10 yrs)of knowing them have done nothing to make me suspicious of them. Another example of my limited freedom is that i am the only 25 yr old woman i know with a curfew. Whenever i do get to go out anywhere she demands that i be back at 100am. The last time i went out with my buddies i begged her to let me stay out with my friend at her house until 2am because one of my friends was moving away and it was het leat nite in town. My mother sad no i could only stay out until 130am because we had to be up early the next morining to go get eyeglasses(as if i dont know how to get up early for something).Now i do not have the intention of staying out all night(nothing to do after 200 am anyways lol) but a 100am CURFEW(notice its the word curfew i am emphasising)this CURFEW would be fine if i was a 16 yr old but i am 25 not 15 not 5 but 25!One recent example of her over protectiveness was that we went to a shopping center and she wanted to go to a store for plus size women and being a size 1 obviously i couldnt find any clothes in that store so i wanted to go to Big Lots which was only a few stores down. She told me no i couldnt walk there by myself because it was too dangerous to walk to (again it was only three stores down).My stepdad tried to reason with her and tell her i was n adult and fully capable of walking to the store on my own. She got upset and said again in an angry tone that i was to stay with her and we would walk to Big lots together. I have tried to speak to her about her overprotectivness and how it is out of control but she either gets mad or refuses to listen saying when im at school i can do what i want but when i am at home she wants me with her so she doesnt worry. She also says that she refuses to get rid of the curfew and that when we lived with my grandma she had a curfew and at the time she was 50. My question is it unreasonable to want to be treated like a responsible 25 yr old adult woman? How can i get to see her that not allowing me to do things on my own and make my own decisions is not helping me in becoming a capable adult its actually hampering me? Oh yea a side note when my mom was about 6 her 1st cousin was murdered and she saw the dead body right before they took it away and she never got over it and has not recieved counseling so i think thats lot of why she so overprotective.

Answer
Hi KT,

I am sorry for my late response.  YOur direct question was if I thought a curfew for a 25 year old is appropriate, no, I do not.  I am sure that this information will not help you.  You have a couple of choices, you could choose to live somewhere else when not at school.  This may be an option.  You could simply comply, understanding that the cerfew is more for her peace of mind than it is for your behavior.  If you can in love, simply abide by her wishes, this may work.  You could disobey and just let the fur hit the fan and see what happens...  but that may be the most destructive of your decisions.

I am not sure if I have helped, I hope that I have.

In Christ
Pastor Don