Expert: Carl Fuglein - 12/12/2006

Question
Hi Carl! My name is Tanya, my husband and I are the youth pastors and this Sunday we are going to talk about dating. I will be with the girls and my husband will be with the boys. What do you think are major subjects that should be talked about to help the teens understand why you're not ready to date at a young age and how to help them quote with the pressure.? Thanks a lot for your help.  

Answer
Hi Tanya-

My first question is, why are you doing it separately?  Dating is a joint activity, and should be talked about together, at least to start.  Even if you intend to talk about sexual issues, you should do it together.  The nervousness of the teens themselves will mirror the same nervousness they will have when they start dating.  Let them get over that nervousness by talking frankly about it together.  It's not rocket science.

You don't mention the age at which you're aiming this conversation - your talk would be extremely different for a 12 year old vs. a 16 year old.  I don't like to set an actual age for when I think dating is appropriate, because teens mature at wildly different paces.  If I have to, I'd say no dating until you're 16.

One of the best ones to approach any subject is to simply listen and ask them what they want to know.  Tell them point blank that you will answer any question they want to know from a clinical point of view, i.e., no personal questions about you and your husband.  Challenge them to write down their most serious questions - have them do it confidentially so they won't be embarrassed.  Yes, you're going to get embarrassing questions - ask them in the group anyway unless they are totally inappropriate to your comfort level.

Define the difference between dating and courting.  In dating, you're merely trying to figure out how to establish a relationship with and interact with a person of the opposite sex.  In courting, you're looking for a lifetime spouse.  Casual dating non-exclusively I think is a good thing - it teaches commitment (to show up on time) and responsibility (who pays, getting home on time, driving carefully) and respect (how to be a gentleman and lady).  Exclusive dating is where "stuff happens" - their bodies and hormones are all primed to reproduce, but their minds - socially and emotionally aren't even close.  I think they need to guard against getting too close to one another - it's good to have friendships with both sexes, but when it becomes exclusive and other friends take a back seat, that's when they start thinking about being "little" adults, and they're not ready for that kind of relationship.  

If you're going to talk about sex, be blunt.  Don't just say, "don't do it".  What you say is:  it's your body, you get to make your own choices.  But those choices have consequences.  Here are the consequences of having sex too early, and then tell them of the emotional, moral, physical dangers of sex.  STDs, babies, breaking one another's heart, disrepect for their future spouse (they only get to be a virgin once).

I strongly recommend that you read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." by Josh Harris.  goto www.joshharris.com  I don't agree with a lot of what he says because I think it is impractical to assume that kids are not going to want to date, but the book is good because it gives you a good idea of what dating and courting are about.  Definitely worth the money.

http://www.amazon.com/Kissed-Dating-Goodbye-Attitude-Relationships/dp/1576730360


Also good reading:  "Wait For Me" by Rebecca St. James - a Godly approach to purity.

http://www.amazon.com/Wait-Me-Rediscovering-Purity-Romance/dp/0785271279/ref=pd_...


And listen to ANYTHING Pam Stenzel says or writes - she's an abstinence speaker and is outstanding.  see www.pamstenzel.com

Hope this helps.  Please let me know how it goes and please take time to rate my answer - all we get around here is feedback, and that is important.

blessings,
carl