Expert: Brenda Martin - 6/26/2006

Question
Hello,



My wife and I are struggling with whether to send our daughter to a certain school next year.  We currently live in St. Paul, MN and are moving about half an hour away to Hastings, MN.  My wife promised our 11 year old daughter that if we move, she’ll drive her to 6 grade in St. Paul.  Now we are moving 30-40 minutes away and we are really feeling that it would be the wiser decision to send her to 6 grade in Hastings – it’s a middle school (6-8) so she would not be the “new kid” this year, she’ll make friends in her neighborhood more quickly, and we won’t have the long commute, especially in Minnesota snow.  Our daughter really wants to go to 6 grade in St. Paul because of her friends, and because as a 6th grader (it’s K-6) they get special opportunities and other things they’ve worked up to.  We are really torn – my wife feels that our daughter will resent her if we “make” her go to Hastings.  We both have a really good relationship with our daughter, so we don’t want to ruin it, even though we feel 6th grade is Hastings is the best choice.  Help!



Kevin & Gina Norman  

Answer
“WE BOTH HAVE A REALLY GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR DAUGHTER, SO WE DON’T WANT TO RUIN IT, EVEN THOUGH WE FEEL 6TH GRADE IS HASTINGS IS THE BEST CHOICE”.  

The thing is, your daughter wants to stay at St Paul because her friends are there, what she doesn’t see is, that once she moves 30-40 mins. away she will not see her friends anyway, it will be inevitable that she make new friends in her new area.

Is it possible I wonder to say; ok lets give it a try and keep you at your same school, this will involve early nights for your daughter, early morning wake up calls, not to mention the long drive each day, plus her friends in her school will not be able to make the journey to hang about with her at nights, so I would say within a very short time she will realize it is not going to work. Or just point all these things out to her, as she will not have thought about all the ins and outs.

It is unfortunate that your wife “promised” but that aside, you are the parents, she is the child, you know best, she doesn’t . I have brought up 4 and I know for a fact there were times when each and every one of them “resented” me, it goes with the territory.

If you decide to change her school, I’m sure she will not be happy to begin with, but then how many 11 year olds are? She is approaching the difficult years and will go through many mood changes, so take cover:¬)

I resented my mother loads of times when I was young, and I know my grand-daughter resents her mum often, but the fact is, when you get older you look back and realise they were right, and I believe it is only when your older that you fully appreciate your parents.

Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship so sit her down, explain all the things she as a child will not have considered, and you may be pleasantly surprised.

All the best
Brenda