Expert: Pastor Don Carpenter - 5/27/2006

Question
I would like to consult with you a dilemma I am personally facing. My only son, now 35 years old from my first marriage. He says I did not deserve his respect abondining
him, and his mother, physical abuse between me and his mother. This has a history going all the way back to 70s to a country with Muslim population, and continues on with our immigrating to USA.
I am happily married now for the last 16 years, however, relationship with my son never really recovered.
He is stating that, I as a father, he could not gain respect to me, citing my personality as delivered by my ex, since he was too young to remember.
In my last letter to him, I asked him to consider 10 commandments, #4, which relates to father son relationship. He thinks it is not valid for my case, since I am not a respectable father.
My own thinking is that, in this spiritual culture, which I am a part of it now, it is very important to have forgiveness and compassion in each of us hearts. We should have spiritual strength to face our problems, work with them, and never give up. Looking continously back without forgiveness in the heart, is not healthy for anyone. And my son will be losing out ot this, not accepting me as of today as father, as much or more than me.
Last paragraph is my own thinking, however I would like to hear your comments if you would please.
My question is that, when we look into 10 commandments, #4, is it a conditional statement for my son to make a judgement call, wheather, his father was a good father or not, and respect him accordingly.

We would like to keep our name confidential if a reference to this writeup is to be made.  

Thank you,

Hasan Tezduyar


Answer
Hi Hasan,

Thanks for this question.  The short answer is that this is not conditional.  The command however is to honor and obey... not necessarily to trust.  I think that you are right that if he does not forgive, then he is missing out, but I don't think that there is anything you can do to force the matter.  My advice is, keep showing unconditional love and see if that will eventually melt his heart.

I hope that this helps.

In Christ
Pastor Don